Am I enabling her?

Hi! I don't know where in the forum is appropriate to post this or whether it falls suitably under the aegis of any section. Hope I don't veer off topic, I'm too wordy lol.

I posted a while ago about my partner seeming to have anxious-avoidant issues in some way or shape. I have a history of relationships with women who had absent fathers in childhood. I have always seen that these women latched on to my emotional safety and strength as a surrogacy to that - the typical pattern would be for them to start off intensely as many do, but then when things seemed great they typically pulled away. Admittedly in the past I would chase or invert my prior strong behaviour/confidence on some level, as girl by girl a reactive pattern of self-blaming scripts built up, which also led me to wonder whether there was some male mental health stigma going on when I had at their request opened up sometimes. But what troubled me was always how when these relationships ended, it was almost always by either cheating, jilting for someone else, or plain abandonment, with no real explanations given to me on my part in this. This made it particularly hard to know where to change myself, not to mention that the feedback loop between 'be your best self to love and be loved, don't play games' and 'her words don't mesh with her actions, be strong and unaffected' has often caused me trouble. I was able to cut a few friends off recently, including a penfriend of 12 years who had vanished after our last visit, refused to discuss our problems, forgotten my birthday completely (that one stung), and then resurfaced after A WHOLE YEAR because *she* was at rock bottom needing someone. So I know that I am aware of the signs of manipulative behaviour, and that I am able to call people out on it and get away.

Anyways, the current partner has since summer shown a lot of traits inherent to friends/partners who the above describes - push/pull dynamic as a reaction to becoming close (possible fear of enmeshment), less demonstrable interest and consistent inconsistency in behaviours within the relationship, words intent on asking me to be open/earnest about feelings, not meshing with actions showing distancing when this occurs. She was raped when she was younger and had an unsafe father, and has recently been helping someone else through stuff that has raised these ghosts for her, so she's reliving intense stuff. It isn't me she's pulling away from, but the ghost of that past, which I represent an anchor to as a guy in her life. So I'm taking some space on my own initiative, and will be consistent in contact to help her see in time how I'm safe. This means her claims about being busy lately are not the reason for her distance, and I see markers in her that show her to be a strong potential long term partner, which is good. She may not be ready for a relationship so I am avoiding investing myself emotionally.

For my part, this is the first relationship where I've been able to change my prior patterns of insecure attachment a lot - she has taken space unannounced for 7 and 10 days, and while it was irritating she didn't warn me (which was all I had asked, and feels reasonable as a loving action), I didn't chase her at all. I've kept a diary of my thoughts/feelings about the relationship, reflections about myself and what things cause spikes in my insecurities, and challenged myself about the same.

My question is, am I using this 'analysis' of my partner's issues/distance, as a defence mechanism to enable myself to stay in a 'relationship' with a distant woman who has changed after an intense first few months of contact and affection (might qualify as love bombing, she has mentioned narcissism off her own bat a few times which is a yellow flag)? Or is my reaction simply good understanding of her dealing with her own personal issues, and a sign of healthy development? If she wasn't reliving this trauma stuff right now I'd certainly mention the lack of attention lately, but I have no calibration on whether that's a valid reason to neglect a partner for so long.

Hey man,

It seems like you are on the right track, becoming more aware of your own part in this pattern.

As always the hard part is that our awareness does not necessarily translate to others. You've reached that point of wanting to make those steps, but it doesn't mean she has or will. There is just no telling what causes someone to make those paradigm shifts. Sometimes it's reaching a rock bottom point, but it really could be anything. So the only concern then is you may find yourself frustrated at some point, hoping she will make a change she cannot.

All that aside, I think if you are learning something valuable by hanging in there and waiting for her, for now that is what works for you. Nothing wrong with that.

Sorry I don't think you understand, I'm not talking about waiting for someone, or their behaviour changing. I'm talking about whether my reasoning of what's prompting her current behaviour, which would be temporary, is a logical healthy thing, or whether it represents a co-dependent trait within me where NT people would have left the relationship either because of neglect or because they see no future for it

Hey man,

Yea, still not sure I understand your question, but...

I am a personal believer in we tend to get involved with others that reflect something about ourselves. So for example, if we keep picking narcissists, or avoidants, etc., it is because of something about ourselves.

It's healthy to figure that out, but not so healthy to keep on doing the same thing expecting a different result