Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men (continued)

In response to this old thread which I found and became very interested in:
relationship/topic117809.html
I have been through something like this with my girl of 50+ partners.

I apologize for a slightly slow start but it sets up many mens mental states regarding their reproductive organs.

I think unfortunately this is always in the back of the mind if a man finds out his woman has been with many men, orally and intercourse wise and we know one rarely happens without the other first. The main problem is giving up of everything you can sexually as a woman to men with whom you are planning no long term relationship and not just once or twice but many multiples of times. It is a complex and actually polarized issue for men and in mind penis size and that the man seeds (ejaculates during sex requires a greater depth of acceptance from the woman). Rare occurence of female ejaculation aside.

Vagina's are rarely compared, but the penises are always. Penises all do the same thing however I do not wish to get edited on my first post so will write with care - penis size is a often worrying issue in mens minds especially those who are average or below average in size. (I have heard some women are jealous of other females with large breasts) However the issue with breasts is that they are not comparable to the penis, they are not a dependent organ for the penetrative act itself like the penis. So this gives more weight and focus to the organs used in the actual act of penetration. However it is a physical fact that a larger or thicker penis can stimulate a vagina wall and clitoris more than a smaller one. I am just marginally smaller than average. So on that basis I can feel that I am definitely inferior in size. Maybe not in technique and effort but in size, without doubt. For one night stands i.e. pleasure, women voted on average for larger than average size.

You can easily confirm this by searching :

Women prefer larger than average size penis for one night stand

For a long term partner fairly irrelevant because a woman wants you for protection, finance, romance, partnership, mutual living of life, maybe children, security to be looked after, a different set of tick boxes for young men vs men to settle with. I am generalizing a bit above.
When promiscuous women are younger they are looking for excitement, thrills and want to feel as attractive and to be able to thrill a man.


What can be implied is that as a man in a longer term relationship with a woman who had sex with countless men... is probably less exciting, maybe less typically sexy, less desirable physically and in bed and a more reliable type. I don't think men find that very complementary and it leads, unsurprisingly to insecurity. In other words as needs and desires change they put up with your physical flaws. Whereas they probably went for those with chiselled good looks, tall and with a good body.

I am a fairly liberal minded person so this may seem at odds but the so called sexual revolution for women has had great potential to damage the sexual psychology of men. It has devalued the penis in some ways and specifically for the man who is in a long term relationship with a woman of many previous partners. It could be any mans penis doing the act you perform, sure you are a person not a penis but as far as sex goes and I now have been lead to believe - although it is denied - that sex is really about pleasure. Ok so you are told that it is being close and a love thing. It does not need to be, it was not when your woman opened shorts of many men and then had sex with them in a short relationship or a long one. That is what womens promiscuity has lead me to believe that sex IS just about desire pleasure and sexual fulfillment and getting satisfied.

The other issue is in law, and rightly so, it is always a woman that consents. It is ultimately the woman who decides if sex is going to happen. Men do not really tend to be sexually abused by women, maybe on rare occasion, so it is 100pct the womans decision whether sex happens.
Women are in control of commencement of sex by law.

So with power comes responsibility.... but if you are not responsible and have sex with many, many men and that is later spoken about with a future long term partner, expect it have very deep and potentially harmful consequences... on your long term male partner and on your relationship. It was ultimately the womans choice to have sex with many different men and ultimate devalue you as a male in a long term relationship. I have accepted I can never be as exciting as 50+ one night stands. Run that through your head for a minute.. no man can be as exciting as the total of 50 plus One night stands. They are the epitome of sexual excitement. On that basis I know where I stand as a diminished man. But that is ok cause I now make sure I get what I want from the relationship sexually, and this kind of lets me know that I am having some control. My partner accepts to do things that she never did with other partners, and that gives me a bit of excitement and confidence back. Enough to ensure we both have a very fulfilling sex life. But that being said.. it is always in the back of my mind that I am just a single man who can be physically replaced by literally any other man... if that is not devaluing, I don't know what is. A sI know that sex has in some way been separated from love at an earlier stage.

I have been through this and I have developed my ways of dealing with the problem. Some by myself in my own mind and some together. We chatted through at length over a period and went right through it in quite a bit of detail. I also read a book called "Retroactive Jealousy" .. cannot remember the author now.. It helped a little, but not completely I had to add my own life adjustments to my own personal situation.

So I accept to a degree that there is something I can never be for my partner and that I have a lowered sexual status caused by her consent to have other men do what I believe is best kept for very special people. Some things in life are not perfect but if the relationship is otherwise good you make efforts and keep it going and by and large we both seem fairly happy most of the time.
So you can get through it, it is not easy and just try and rest your mind from it. It is not healthy going in circles with it. Just let go for a bit consciously and reflect on it every now and then.

My advice to women of 10+ previous men would be to lie and lower numbers to 10 unless they know their man is psychologically strong enough to deal with your number of partners.A nd not only psychologically able to deal with it now.. but also consider the future and whether if at some time when your man is a bit low in confidence he may be triggered to realize the full horror of what your sexual decisions reduce him to. The type of imagery that can be brought up by many numbers of men as previous partners in a the mind of a long term male partner is awful, you don't realize how small it can make a man feel to find that out. What then makes it special for your long term partner that you would do the same to literally anyone that takes your fancy ? It is demeaning towards men as long term partners.

I am in an ok place now with my partner, the issue still arises in my mind and it hurts quite a lot, I always carry a sense of inferiority about my penis size and that I am just someone who creates sexual pleasure during sex, she has taught me she has separated sex and love and I am not entirely sure she has changed. It makes me feel a bit like I am there for sex and security, and in some ways that works both ways. I make sure I am fulfilled and that my not unreasonable consensual desires are fulfilled by my lady and that none of those other one nighter guys are getting it as good as I am now. And that is in part how I have balanced and come to terms with where I sit in the sexual heirarchy of females minds. It does not feel perfect to be honest cause she cannot un-sex those many men and I cannot forget it entirely but it works as I feel there is a lot of mutual respect for each other. This is my own way of gaining some control over what can be very dark feelings.

Hey ReggieReggie,

Insightful post, and something plenty of other males are struggling with. A bit more on that below but first...

We are humans, so there can be disconnects of truths between our primal nature, our intellect, and cultural trends of the moment. You are going to step on some toes somewhere if you look at these disconnects closely, but...

The one part you do have control over is self. Truth with self will set you free. What others think/do is outside of our control, but it's easier to focus on that than us.

Figure out what is acceptable to you, what works for you, and know you cannot make everyone happy in doing so, and that is freedom.

--

It is not possible to change a complex system like economies, or social roles, selectively. There are always going to be unwanted side-effects. What your post really gets at is that the social roles have changed, and you are pondering your new role too. Your only responsibility is to you, to figure out what works for you, and to choose to push for it or not. Others are doing the same whether you choose you, or not.

Another truth about economies, and relationships, yes, agree. Value is proportional to scarcity. If everyone gets a kiss on the lips, then it is valueless. It has social value because it's rare. Likewise if everyone gets a 1 carat diamond, then a 1 carat diamond would have no value. Same with everything else. Humans are humans though, and some want both to be true. For something to have high value, and be a common commodity (the best of both). Can't change that thinking, but you can choose for you what is valuable to you.

I expect many women may read this and could think similar thoughts but in reverse about men with whom they are in a long term relationship who have slept around. If I can condense it to a minimal of words.

Women have a lot of power and therefore responsibility, they decide which men have sex.
I find it hard that my partner gave up almost all she could offer sexually in many multiple casual encounters.
Misuse of that power devalues men willing to commit to a woman.
It has knocked my sexual confidence and sense of physical value and I have to fight at times to regain it.
Sex had great depth to me before and now my perspective has changed, it seems more animal-istic, so I focus on what I need from it, whilst having enough respect to make sure my partner is satisfied.
This shift manages to work because we can talk and share other aspects of ourselves that make up for the loss of depth.

Anyone feeling this can work their way through it all, you need to have some time yourself and go through the hurt and as long as the rest of the relationship is working, in terms of you are being listened to, and you can listen, you will find a way through.

It can be a lonesome place with these feelings because it is not exactly the kind of thing you shout about with your family and social circles. In fact the loneliness with it can be very hard and overbearing on mind and sometimes body as often emotional problems effects your whole being.

Bear in mind it does not have to be resolved tomorrow, next week or next month, give yourself time to work through it... time alone often softens the edges of things. It still crops up in mind but it has much less control over me.

You are definitely not alone in how you feel. How people feel about promiscuity in a partner (and self) varies, but it's common enough that promiscuous behavior evokes strong, primal, emotions in many. The lines over what is acceptable, and non-acceptable promiscuity vary widely too. You know if you ask enough people, you'll also find cases of those who perceive promiscuity in a partner as a desirable trait too.

All you can do is what you are doing. Be aware of how you feel about it, and choose if the relationship is more important to you than her past.

I do think you are right though that changes in social roles has left many males up in the air, what is my role? It doesn't help any either that if you do seek out male support groups or material, there is a good risk of being criticized. See the documentary "The Red Pill" by Cassie Jaye for more on that Her post production commentary on how it took her nearly a year to finally start to see some of the male point of view is more priceless than the film.

i never discuss prior relationships with partners. make it plain from first date my past is my business and his past is of no interest to me. i have done sex with eighteen men and five girls atm but i would never advertise to any friends or potential lovers.

best to save your past in your memory only. totally agree girls control who and what they allow sexually with guys or gal partners