Narcissist ex or just emotionally unstable?

It is unfortunate, but seems to be a pattern (from my own experiences), that people with the personalities of your ex have a way of picking others who are emotionally vulnerable. I don't know that it is done consciously, though have read from some who do so consciously, but if he is more on the borderline side of the spectrum, probably more unconscious than conscious.

There are also some theories out there that suggest some disordered types are taking out latent anger on those they choose as romantic partners. Again not necessarily consciously, but conscious or not, it still leaves the romantic partner's self-esteem deeply damaged.

Lindsayyy wrote:When I met him, he spun the perfect story of what he wanted (and , I do to an extent still believe him, however I do see small mirroring tendencies now that I look back). We connected in a way I had never felt , and I had thought I had found the one. He fought to break down my walls, and when I finally let him in , and decided to trust him, is when he started to push away. I did notice small amounts of it before , but It was never bad enough to raise red flags. I just thought he needed space, just as we all do.

Understood. It's where almost everyone in your situation ends up too; probably a part of him did want that perfect story. The hard thing to accept is that personality types like his will always end up sabotaging, and some of that is done to hurt himself too.

My concern for you though is that he will be back, and that you get hurt yet again. So I do hope you are speaking with someone, to strengthen yourself, and will be in a better place what to choose if he returns.

He has never really truly left.

We stopped being in contact for about a week.

It’s a pattern, he will get incredibly needy, wanting attention , and then go silent for a day sometimes 2. Then the neediness again, each time it gets longer.

This is why I have came on here, i have gotten so many mixed signals from him, which deep down I know why. But in the moment, makes it hard to remember until the next drop.

I tell myself I am done, he must be done, and then he comes again and I am sucked back in. Which, is something I need to work on.

Which is why I am so unsure of why, I could not tell if it was a rebound effect, or if he really truly does have a mental reason for all of this up and down.

Lindsayyy wrote:He has never really truly left.

We stopped being in contact for about a week.

I think sometimes it can be very difficult to know if someone has left. Some people tend to disappear suddenly and one day they will come back just like that. But what to do if someone who is very important does not come back anymore. I think it is better to have many close people in your life. Even if you are in love it is better to keep regular contacts with all your friends and relatives. You do not need to feel helpless if you are not alone.

Also, I think it is better to keep a little distance with some people, I mean emotionally. Just in case.

Good luck,
Dahlia

@Dahilaa,

I think that's good advice.

It can be hard to do because one of the things that happens in a relationship like Lindsayyy described is the partner can end up isolating themselves. I don't know if Lindsayyy has done so, but if she has...

Part of that seems to be just the initial intensity. Everything else can feel 'blah' by comparison, but then it turns into various forms of subtle abuse, the partner ends up depressed, so lacks the emotional energy to spend time with others.

Also there is sometimes a subtle threat, 'if you aren't spending all your time with me, if your every thought isn't on me, I am going to leave and find someone else who can/will'.

Sometimes people with narcissistic or abusive personalities pick someone who is already inclined to isolate themselves, since they make for good low-threat fuel to feed the narcissistic ego. This is someone who will make it all about ME.

There are probably some other reasons as well, but for the isolated partner, getting back out there and re-enaging with others can be tough to do for a while. It's exactly what is needed though to break that isolation cycle.