Narcissist ex or just emotionally unstable?

I recently broke up with someone I suspect of being NPD.

Quick overview- He has only been able to have relationships with women long distance. He was engaged, she moved up to be with him (not even in the same house, about 40 min away) and they only lasted 5 months.

Our relationship- started distance( about 2 hours away) and while we were courting it was hot and cold off and on. He had just gotten out of a relationship, I assumed he was not ready so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Finally we started dating, and the first 2 months were bliss. I thought I had found what I had been looking for. He was affectionate, he wrote me poems. He wanted me around all the time(it almost got to be too much, but I felt his love). He told me he loved me early on, about a month in and it seemed like a fairy tale. We would lay in bed staring into each others eyes.

Then, I moved about 20 minutes away from him and it was like things changed overnight. he started being critical when I was with him (which now, was a struggle to see him once a week- and that was usually at night. quick movie or walk then bed). It got worse and worse to the point that I thought we would be done.

He went away on holidays for a week, 5 days of that, I didn't hear from him Then, he got incredibly needy the last 2 days he was away and it was like nothing had changed when he got back. He was loving again, affectionate. I chalked it all up to being stressed at work, and then when he went away he was finally able to relax.

Fast forward about a month, a few fights about spending time together and we were done (by him) then back together. Then I found him on a dating site, and I ended it. We stopped talking for about a week, and ever since then it has been about 3 months of hot and cold, off and on talking, sex sometimes acting like we are together sometimes acting like we are strangers. I recently found out he has been talking to 4 exes (including me). One is the ex fiancé, who he has told that since he started talking to her again he feels like a hole has been filled in his heart and he wants to wait for her to come back to him. At the same time, he was talking to me in a sexual manner(I'm meaning, the exact time this conversation was happening).

I am not interested in being back together with him, but I want advice. I need closure, I thought I hd found the one, and thinking he had NPD helped me. now, with knowing he is talking to his ex, I am now scared and thinking I was fooled into being a rebound.

Advice please??

Hey Lindsayyy,

I doubt you'll get a clear answer. Just my guess based on my own experiences -

Some people with extreme narcissism do jump from one relationship to the next like switching out shoes each day. It is hard to know is what is real as the person with narcissism may not know either. Some say they really did feel something for the new person, others not, but even then it's hard to know what was true when the idealization phase is over. Perhaps they did feel something, and then forgot (or blocked out) what they felt.

But that written, the rebound state of mind/heart is not unique to narcissists. When one person is coming at the relationship with no previous emotional attachment (or none of significance), and the other is fresh out of a lengthy or intense relationship, there is already a potential for their paths to miss each other.

Still, it seems some people are mature enough to give themselves time to get over an ex before moving on, while others jump right into another relationship to avoid those feelings, or to fill a personal void. Some narcissists may go to the extreme later.

In your case, perhaps the truth is in the middle? He did feel something for you, but also was rebounding. However if he really does have extreme narcissism, even if he wasn't rebounding, you'd still have gone through the hot and cold, the idealization phase never lasts, and he still probably would have been pursuing others to fill that bottomless pit need for self-esteem boosts.

I guess I should elaborate on why I think he had NPD- He was out of his relationship for 9 months before we started dating. We were, however, courting about 3 months prior to that, but I also know that he was talking online to a lot of women during our time/ going on dates with them, however I was the first relationship post ex.

It seemed that as soon as we started our relationship, he became intense (n a good way-to me at the time anyway). He told me that he his ex was vindictive, spoiled and took advantage of him. I recently found out this is not the case, she told me he broke her down and changed the way she saw life. Using the words "I was turned into a cold hearted woman by how he treated me. he is like a wolf in sheeps clothing".

As I said before, they lasted about 5 months in the same area before he broke it off(after being together for 3 years). He has never been able to have a relationship that was not distance for more then a year(He told me that everyone has cheated on him, did him wrong in some way and that is why none of them lasted...however after being in a relationship with him and experiencing the emotional rollercoaster I have other feelings as to why they did not last).

I guess I was focusing on his ex in my last post and not how he made me feel, which is why I thought he had the disorder In the first place. He would make me feel like I was walking on cloud 9 one day- and then completely bring me down the next. Not by harsh words-however towards the end he was getting a little more bolder with his comments. But just simply by HOW he would talk to me. I could feel when he was on a high, and when he was on a low, and on a high, he treated me like I was his "one". On a low, I was almost like a stranger to him, he was cold. I was up and down so many times during our relationship and I chalked it up to him having anxiety and needing time to recover from his previous relationship. During the initial phase of our courtship, I could sense a pattern. Usually about a week of highs, on day of low and then repeat. As we started dating, the lows were virtually non existent for about 2-3 months, and then after that it reversed and it seemed overnight that lows were more common, followed by a day of high and then back again. He has no empathy, after a huge accident in our home town he told me "I don't know why people care so much they were just kids". I told him my mom was getting tests done for cancer, instead of asking if I was ok he said "thats awful, but right now I am dreaming of moving to the states so my mind Is occupied"

So in the end, I was very convinced something was different. But now, knowing he wants his ex back is what is blowing my mind and making me question if I was just a rebound and did not notice it.I know that in the end the love he told me he had for me was not real-you cannot love someone and then drop it that quick. But knowing there was a reason for the up and down made it easier to procecss. I guess this is more about validating my end, as I do not want to get back together with him in the slightest. However, I need some form of closure and I feel like everything he tells me is a lie. He still contacts me on the daily-and if I try to do no contact I get "why are you being so quiet, why won't you talk to me". He has come as far to show up at my house, uninvited and walk in if I do not reply to him, and when I try to talk to him about it he just goes automatically too "I still have feelings for you, I can't drop them, but I am too damaged for a commitment"

Hi Linsayyy,

Definitely could be he has an extreme narcissistic personality based on what you wrote, including this -

Lindsayyy wrote:I recently found out this is not the case, she told me he broke her down and changed the way she saw life. Using the words "I was turned into a cold hearted woman by how he treated me. he is like a wolf in sheeps clothing".

This is something that is hard to believe until you go through it. That initial idealization, followed by the ups/downs, can literally shred a partner's self-esteem. But one thing that didn't quite click with me, keeping in mind I am only going on my own intuition, and what you wrote, is that it wasn't clear if he picked you apart, or simply withdrew when he was feeling low. They are different.

It's still possible to take withdrawal personally, but it's also different than the methodical tearing down behavior. If it was more of a withdrawal behavior, that leaves me thinking more along the lines of a borderline type, though for males in particular, the lines between borderline and narcissism can be blurry. Both can coexist.

It’s hard to say, I believe I broke up with him before any real “picking apart” happened. He defiantly had a few comments, but the best way I can describe it is by using the sheep analogy. It was like he was just starting to take off his “sheeps clothing”, I was just seeing the start of it, before I found out he was cheating and ended it. A few examples :

1) the first time I was shocked at his behaviour came right after I moved closer to him. He made a comment about “how nice it is to be greeted in lingerie” and then said (very sinisterly, I had never heard his voice like this before) “but I can see you doing that, your really not the type”. I was quite shocked , looked at him and his face.... it was almost this half smile and he turned back to the TV.

2) during our courting, and when he had me on a pedestal for the 3 months (and I use that term, because that’s exactly how I felt); he would go quiet but if I gave him the evening of space, the next morning he was fine. After I moved , it was like he used silent treatments to get a rise out of me. I started giving him his space, but if I would ask to see him, to hang out or to do anything even talk on the phone after I thought he was out of it , he flipped and all of a sudden i was too pushy, controlling. One day he even told me, after I asked him to see him and he said no, that he said no just to see how upset I would get. It was like a game to him.

3) when I found out he was cheating , it was my fault. He denied it, gave a perfect excuse as to what I found , one that if I had not been watching it for a few weeks I would have believed him. He then told me I was controlling , I was crazy, that I didn’t trust him and then tried to take credit for the breakup .

For me, everything he did made me seem like I was the one in the wrong , that I was the problem and if I was just a good person and sat in the corner until he was ready for. Me , things would have changed. To me that seems like picking apart, but then again I am here to ask for advice :p

-- Thu Aug 23, 2018 8:11 am --

I should also mention, that I tried ending it with him. Asking if he was over it, and he got incredibly sweet and said “no baby I love you, you are so special to me, please don’t do this” and then proceeded to tell me what he does for me that prOves he loves me (very silly reasons, one was that he brought expensive chocolate back for me from a trip he was on- but I lapped it all up)

Hi Lindsayyy,

I admit I am not sure either, and so all I can add is my gut intuitive impressions -

I am rather leaning toward the BPD side of the scale, and that's not a diagnosis, just a word to put my thoughts in context. The NPD side of the scale is more callous, the BPD side more precarious.

Again, they can feel like the same thing, and it shouldn't necessarily change your outlook.

Thing is he either way is he not that ideal man he appeared to be at first, and that is what is so hard accept. That works in reverse too, just read the stories here from males who thought they met the ideal female, and then that wasn't true either.

Everything that goes downhill starts with the belief that the idealization is the true them, but that's also ourselves, searching for an idealization.

That aside, the vast majority of us can't tolerate someone we love idealizing someone else, or sleeping with them. It's not okay. You are right to say it crossed a line.

Please keep writing as you need.

Reading up on BPD, it defiantly does sound like him. What made me believe he had NPD was the lack of empathy, selfishness and compulsive lying. Does BPD have these characteristics? Do they have the ability to have a real relationship and care about someone in the sense of unconditional love?

Lindsayyy wrote:Reading up on BPD, it defiantly does sound like him. What made me believe he had NPD was the lack of empathy, selfishness and compulsive lying. Does BPD have these characteristics? Do they have the ability to have a real relationship and care about someone in the sense of unconditional love?

I doubt there is any simple answer. People who post here tend to be those who are going through a tough time, so don't necessarily reflect the common case. We've had many stories here from others who struggled with 'my BPD partner was so perfect when I met them, and then later... cheating on me, no empathy for me, etc'

Not that it helps you much in choosing what to do, but I personally see BPD and (simple/compensatory) NPD as related disorders. Both stem from an extreme degree of implicit self-esteem damage. These two types cope in somewhat different ways, but the root cause is the same. Both can appear to be idealizations when a relationship starts, but you really aren't seeing the 'real them' at that point because they aren't seeing others realistically when that happens. It's a two way idealization. But then... both can end up taking out their deeper issues on someone they get closer to, after the idealization bubble bursts.

Again, doesn't help you in deciding what to do, but understood you what to understand what happened.

p.s. Just from my own very limited experiences, people with BPD can be emotionally empathetic to an extreme, but they get overwhelmed. It's very endearing when that is where their head/heart is at, but keeping a relationship going remains very difficult. People with BPD are very easily hurt, and if they are hurt, they shut down, or run. NPD types are more jaded, self-protective, but many are capable of cognitive empathy.

Thanks for the insight. Thinking about this over the past few days, BPD does seem to be more likely, although at this point I guess it does not really matter from my end.

He was in a long term, distance relationship for 3 years, spent 5 months with her non long distance and then ended it(claiming she was not who he thought she was). I thought it was weird, didn't question it however but now looking back it makes a lot of sense. Every major decision he has made, that I have seen, has been impulsive.

At the end of the day, the relationship with him I would often compare to that of bi-polar disorder, and I think my self diagnosis of NPD was to help me get over what happened, although I do suspect there may be some tendencies as well. His cheating, was not physical (that I know of), however he had posted a online dating profile looking for someone in the city he was planning on moving too 4 years down the road, after talking with me about moving (We had just started dating, and I told him if we were still together, I would consider it, however it was too soon to tell. If he didn't want to continue I told him I would understand, however he told me he wanted to be with me). He seemed terrified of being tied down to me, unless I gave him a specific for sure answer, and because he didn't get one, he went looking for someone else to talk to and build with so that he would have someone there when he moved

Thanks for the chance to get this all off my chest, as well as advice. The relationship really was an emotional rollercoaster and I needed to get all of it out.

Some misc thoughts -

Yes, either way on the diagnosis, the tendency for some cluster B types to 'person-jump', 'search for backup plans', or 'seek secondary relationships for the self-esteem boosts', regardless of reason, is a common story here, and... often has a profound painful effect on the significant other. To write that another way, for the person with the cluster B personality doing so makes sense, but it doesn't change that it results in a much self-esteem damage to the loving partner who is emotionally committed.

At least he wasn't overly brazen about it, though that is not much consolation, but I think people with cluster B personalities tend to pick loyal, self-questioning, empathetic partners who tend to question "what did I do wrong?" as their first line of thinking. Ideally that is a positive trait, but add in the intensity of the relationship, and all of that early idealization, and it can leave the significant other emotionally crushed on a level they've never experienced before. And worse, leaves the SO locked in a no-win struggle to find a way out.

To turn that around into "what did you do wrong?" is very hard to do, because the SO often knows that their disordered partner will not accept that. The SO is often aware (at least intuitively) that their disordered partner is sensitive, unable/unwilling to introspect, lacks consistent empathy, idealizes (and oh the idealization was great in the beginning), looking for a reason to end it, etc., and so we avoid that challenge of "what did you do wrong?" as much as possible. If we challenge, guilt, remorse, because we know our disordered partner will shut down entirely, possibly forever.

Unfortunately this all takes a very heavy toll on the committed partner. No matter what the committed partner does it's going to hurt. Continue as-is, painful. Challenge, painful too because that will just end in the disordered partner fleeing, often for life. It's also easy to get into thinking someone else is going to be enjoying what I use to enjoy, though realistically, odds are the next person will end up going through the same cycle.

It's a long hard road to heal from what you've been through, but it does appear you are the right track. You are seeing more clearly he has unsolvable issues, and hopefully are seeing, it really would not matter what you had done, one way or another he'd have screwed it up. The disorder was both the attraction, and what made it impossible to sustain a happy relationship.