Just want to fall in love again

After ending a 6.5 years of same sex relationship, it was a good break because I am no longer attracted to female and our needs changed as we grew.. my ex is still my best friend until today. She has been my best mentor who's teaching me how to give love, how to see the world positively even though it's disappointing at times..
after ending the relationship with her.. I fell in love twice.
I was attracted intensively to a guy soon after our broke up but it didn't work out because I freaked out and the guy didn't see me as the one for him as well...
a year after that, I fell in love again with a guy for couple months but he was a broken man and he swing back to his ex-wife due to an unfinished story/ insufficient closure with the prior relationship and what we had was not as secure or good enough for him to stay.
although he came back to me after his ex-wife rejected him.. but I couldn't take him anymore because my trust has been broken towards him..
that ended in early 2015. I have been emotionally and physically involved with couple more guys after that but nothing really sticks.. I let myself fell for a bit but then I would flee or withdraw myself emotionally as soon as I figured that something was not working out or it didn't feel right.. or I was too afraid.

from all of those failures, lessons or heartbroken moments, I guess internally I concluded that I was not good enough or I happily jumped into my victim mode and feel that I was not worthy for their love.. and therefore I just stop letting myself fall for real again.

I have been trying to re-educate myself that things END ALL THE TIME and it's not my faults or anyone's faults when it does..
I guess I did all I could with the "me" at different stages.. I gave myself a best shot but my emotional maturity has been very delayed and with my dependence traits.. I have only learnt to be more self-sufficient lately.
Guy 1-M: I have learnt that I would freak out when it was too intense emotionally.. I wished that I was more brave back then and stayed and gave myself a try instead of running away
Guy 2-E: part of me can feel that I was not smart enough for him because I can't connect with him intellectually and he needed that intellectual stimulations

Guy T/I: I same for guy 2- E, I needed to be more intellectual stimulating to match up to their needs.. otherwise we can't go far romantically.. for a long relationship
this explains to me that I either improve and help myself to grow more intellectually.. so I can connect with them intellectually more?
OR I just go for people that are not stimulating intellectually.. but the truth is, I have always been attracted to nerds.. when they don't have what I have.. and for that reasons, I should catch up a little more.. just like equipping myself more something better. (i.e., need to go to the gym regularly so I can attract those who goes to the gym as well/ I need to read more if I want to attract nerds, so that I can speak more of their languages)
it's not what I am goood enough or not, it's what I need to attract the intellectual type.

-> self-sufficient (achieved, I am way more independent now)
-> emotionally attuned <- have been better at staying in touch with my emotions instead of feeling too intense and run away.. at least I am more aware of my triggers and my pattners, resulting in less numbing
-> intellectually stimulating <- this is what I need to work on
-> accept the reality of relationship, all relationships end and one will last. The only relationship that last will transform to different forms.. and it won't be as intense or as exciting as it was in the beginning.. it still ends in a way and turned into something more long lasting
-> not be afraid to get hurt or not be afraid to fall again
-> accept that: even though my heart will be broken at times, but it's fine, I still survive and I will move on and love again


slowly I will be more and more ready.. I am reminding myself to take things real slow so I won't freak out easily.. :-/ as I grow up, I am realizing that my emotions have become more and more intense and my tolerance has reduced significantly in different ways.. I just have to cope more and more with my BPD and fear of abandonment/ rejection or my victim mode.

thanks for giving me the space to process and type it out on this page.. feel free to drop me any comments or share your experience too!

This was such a great post to read.

Your most moving thoughts revolved around slowing down, being happier just with you, and less dependent on a relationship to feel okay.

slowing down, being happier just with you, and less dependent on a relationship to feel okay.

thank you I will try!

I think you are on the right track now.

This is hard to do for those of us who struggle with cluster B personalities, but putting relationships on hold (or at least slowing down), is a BIG step toward really doing something positive for us. I do get wanting a relationship to band-aid over the pain, but your now really doing something that has actual healing benefits.

xdude wrote:I think you are on the right track now.

This is hard to do for those of us who struggle with cluster B personalities, but putting relationships on hold (or at least slowing down), is a BIG step toward really doing something positive for us. I do get wanting a relationship to band-aid over the pain, but your now really doing something that has actual healing benefits.

Thanks xdude, I will slow down and get to know someone very slowly. So I won't freak out that easily. I am doing everything I can to not use people to fill up my loneliness.

You are doing the kindest/best thing you can for yourself.

On a personal level I think BPD often stems from a double whack to our sense of self. It's not just that we didn't get our own needs met, it is also that we had to put a parent's wants/needs first, at our expense, no matter how abusive it was to us.

Today, I hope, that for you, you can continue to focus on putting nobody else's needs first. You can get around to learning to take of your needs as it works for you, but even if you do nothing else, if you can avoid being someone else's ideal, to earn love, it's a step in the right direction.

--

The flip side of this is something we often write about here on SOF&F. When people write my BPD (or HPD/NPD) BF or GF seemed so ideal when I first met them, yes that's true, but it also isn't fair to them. Nobody is an ideal. Much can be learned by asking 'and why did that person become an idealization?' There are reasons why.

Even if just for today, I hope you can latch unto a mental mantra, 'I am taking a day off what others want from me'.

Today, I hope, that for you, you can continue to focus on putting nobody else's needs first. You can get around to learning to take of your needs as it works for you, but even if you do nothing else, if you can avoid being someone else's ideal, to earn love, it's a step in the right direction.

I want to try to just be me instead of wanting to earn my parents' love or approval (having to date someone who has a glorifying background/ job) to boost my low self-esteem..
I want to just enjoy the time that I spend with someone I am interested in
I want to enjoy the feelings I have for someone
I want to stop doing anything extra to earn love or attention (that's just so sad)
I want to just be me, and love myself even I am not perfect at all. I can be evil and unkind sometimes when i am in a bad mood.. but I just want to be me.. and face my inner self as honest as possible

it's tiring to live a life just to earn the attention or approval of my parents.
it's tiring to sad all the right things just to get the right attention

I just want to be me
the imperfect me.

Thanks xdude, your advices have been very powerful and it's been stuck in my head!

I think this subject is one of the crappiest parts of dealing with a mental illness, not only finding someone you trust that understands you but also being able to keep a stable relationship, I think it's been a year and a half for me, but i'm glad i'm no longer in a relationship that felt like they were using me or taking advantage of my mental illness, what sucks is I really loved this person and almost didn't care that they were disingenuous, always being fake and telling me lies, even poisoning me at one point (no joke), i'm still sad to this day, I don't know if i'll ever get over it, let alone find someone else, It took quite a while to just be able to not think about it every day, people are so damn mean.

themissingme wrote:it's tiring to live a life just to earn the attention or approval of my parents.
it's tiring to sad all the right things just to get the right attention

I just want to be me
the imperfect me.

Smile at all you wrote including this. It really did make me smile to read that you are giving yourself a break now.

For people with BPD, and NPD or HPD, it is indeed tiring trying to be an 'ideal' for the very reasons you wrote. It's really not good for anyone involved either, and ...

You may find that some people like you more for not trying to be something you cannot be, nobody can be an ideal indefinitely. I hope you attract the 'right' kind of people as a result, people who aren't looking for an idealization, just someone they can relate to and enjoy being around, yes imperfections and all.

I hope you attract the 'right' kind of people as a result, people who aren't looking for an idealization, just someone they can relate to and enjoy being around, yes imperfections and all.

thank you I will try to be the imperfect me!!!