Does being stressed out justify cheating behaviors?

The thing is... I liked this guy, and he wanted to see me even though he also had a crush on another woman. I was okay with it, as long as he was being open about things. Initially he was, and confided in me about his beginning of acquaintance with this other woman. However, not long after, he began hiding it through inconsistent stories. One moment he would say that he had not been talking to her, and another moment, he would divulge by accident that he could talk to her about anything, before going back to insisting that he had not been getting to know her. It got so confusing and unsettling, that i decided to stop taking his word for it, and find out the truth for myself. I approached the woman, and realized that they had indeed been talking. After that, I confronted the guy about his lies, but he refused to admit them. Instead, he got angry and began stonewalling me. He also got the other woman to block me on social media. Not once did he own up to his lies; instead, he continued to insist on his lies.

I got so fed up, that I pestered them quite a bit about it. I would make calls, and send messages to them, especially him. I just needed the truth, so that I could decide for myself if I still wanted to continue seeing him, since he was already neglecting me a lot for her, and I felt like a serious spare tyre. But he never opened up about this other woman, choosing to hide it till today. And during the period of time I tried getting the truth out of them, they also went overseas and became closer with one another. I'm worried now, if my insistence on getting the truth out into the open for all parties, could have led them to feel stressed out, and thus, fled overseas together on the basis of "destressing", and thus, resulted in them engaging in illicit relations with one another. Is this justifiable?

I have so many self-condemning thoughts that it was because of the stress they got from me that they chose to escape overseas together (even though that woman was already attached to another man, and not this one), and had wrong relations with one another. Would stress justify their cheating behaviors? And is it viable that I end up being the guilty party that caused them to cheat with one another, "out of stress"?

I really needed the truth so that I could decide if I still wanted to continue seeing this man. He was getting intimate with me, even though he was treating me rather shabbily, spending more time with this other woman, and coming to me once in a while only when things were not going well with her. I felt like I was being cheated, and so I kept digging for the truth that he kept trying to hide, so that I would not continue to be strung along by him just for his ego. But now my thoughts come to condemn me that if it weren't because of my insistence in bringing the truth out into the open, they would not have been stressed out by me and thus done the wrong things with one another. Do my thoughts make sense? Or is it entirely their fault that they chose to cheat as a way out/took the opportunities to cheat, on the basis of being stressed out by me?

Hey ruffleswuffles -

Is this the guy you described in your other thread here? - post2167701.html#p2167701

If not, sounds similar, but either way, you know you can't convert a player (or someone who is not interested in commitment) into a committed relationship partner.

Problem is we people may go through a phase (sometimes life long), where we pursue those who are a challenge. It's especially easy to fall into this trap if we are a low point, and they show us some attention. The other problem is, some people show near everyone some of the same type of attention.

It ends up being a sort of meaningless thing, like that person whose job it is to hand out free samples of food at the grocery store, to sell a product, there is no deeper meaning to it. Their currency is attention, and the product they are selling? They are just seeking frequent proof, a personal ego boost, that they are desirable and can obtain other's interest on demand. It's really all for them.

For your sake, please consider that this is not someone you want to be involved with. You are just going to keep hurting you if you try.

ruffleswuffles wrote:I felt like I was being cheated, and so I kept digging for the truth that he kept trying to hide, so that I would not continue to be strung along by him just for his ego. But now my thoughts come to condemn me that if it weren't because of my insistence in bringing the truth out into the open, they would not have been stressed out by me and thus done the wrong things with one another. Do my thoughts make sense? Or is it entirely their fault that they chose to cheat as a way out/took the opportunities to cheat, on the basis of being stressed out by me?

You don't need more proof than you already have - he doesn't care enough to cut the other woman out. I know it's not an easy thing to absorb but if he cared enough to begin with, there wouldn't be any other woman. Finding more evidence won't change anything but will merely open up more space for him to further gaslight you.
Yes, it is entirely their fault they cheated on you after making promises. A relationship that starts this way is unlikely to blossom into some epic love story. Any story involving a dick will inevitably end the same way, there isn't much to do there other than leave and not end up making the same mistake with next person.

bobok wrote:Any story involving a dick will inevitably end the same way.

By a dick I mean an a*shole. Made myself laugh with this one lol.

xdude wrote:Hey ruffleswuffles -

Is this the guy you described in your other thread here? - post2167701.html#p2167701

If not, sounds similar, but either way, you know you can't convert a player (or someone who is not interested in commitment) into a committed relationship partner.

Problem is we people may go through a phase (sometimes life long), where we pursue those who are a challenge. It's especially easy to fall into this trap if we are a low point, and they show us some attention. The other problem is, some people show near everyone some of the same type of attention.

It ends up being a sort of meaningless thing, like that person whose job it is to hand out free samples of food at the grocery store, to sell a product, there is no deeper meaning to it. Their currency is attention, and the product they are selling? They are just seeking frequent proof, a personal ego boost, that they are desirable and can obtain other's interest on demand. It's really all for them.

For your sake, please consider that this is not someone you want to be involved with. You are just going to keep hurting you if you try.

Hello xdude! Thank you for your response and advice. I will heed them

And yup it is the same guy...

Do you think it is my fault? Cos I realized that though he was seeing her and talking to her a lot cos he liked her, he could have kept a distance from her knowing she was seeing his friend as well. And she could have gone out with him and talked to him on the basis of just being friends too, without knowing he liked her initially. UNTIL I turned up to dig about the truth regarding their "illicit" relationship, and that guy took the opportunity to let her know that I was doing that cos I knew about his crush on her, and therefore wanted to find out the truth about their relationship progress. And that could have been when she finally found about about his long-standing crush on her, and therefore started to see him in a more romantic light too.

It might have been because of my appearance, that she finally got to know about that guy's long-standing crush on her, and therefore changed her mind and started seeing him as romantic material. If it weren't because of my appearance, she could have never found out that this guy liked her too, since this guy was the more passive type, and probably would not have confessed to her on his own.

So I'm blaming myself that if it weren't because of my attempts in finding out about the truth of their relationship, she would not have found out about this guy's crush on her, and after realizing how much better she meshes with him (since they seem to be able to click better than she can with her boyfriend), started to see him in a more romantic light, and favored him over her original boyfriend.

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Hey ruffleswuffles,

The wording 'at fault' doesn't really describe what I think, so let me answer my way -

I think we are responsible for our part of what happens in relationships, where the goal is to own our part, learn from our mistakes, improve ourselves, etc. In that sense then I think you are responsible for becoming involved with someone that you knew was 'a player', but as I wrote above, it happens. Many people go through their phase of picking a player, only to end up disappointed that the player plays.

I wouldn't try to figure out his exact motivation because I suspect it would not have mattered what you did, or didn't do. Player's play, so no matter what you did, he'd have found a way (and a reason) to carry on another relationship with someone else eventually.

By the way, obviously the term "player" is just lingo, but odds are you've heard that word before. Players are driven mostly by the attention, affirmation they are desirable, number of people they conquer, sexual addiction, various reasons, but no matter what they tell you (e.g., you are special, I can only talk to you like this, my last bf/gf was abusive, I never felt like this with anyone else before, etc.), their goal is NOT about seeking a stable committed relationship.

If I was gambling, I'd gamble that this other woman won't last long either before he is off chasing someone else. He will find a way and reason.

So back to my original suggestion, all that is really matters is for you to figure out why you picked someone like this, what was the draw, what kept you hanging in there when you knew better, etc? These questions are for you, to help change your feelings toward him, and to avoid doing so with someone else like him again.

p.s. All that written, we all know it's not healthy to be in a relationship in which we don't trust the other person. Sometimes that lack of trust is valid, sometimes not, but that this relationship left you in a state where you were in constant doubt, seeking proof, well... that's no way to live.

ruffleswuffles wrote:

xdude wrote:
So I'm blaming myself that if it weren't because of my attempts in finding out about the truth of their relationship, she would not have found out about this guy's crush on her, and after realizing how much better she meshes with him (since they seem to be able to click better than she can with her boyfriend), started to see him in a more romantic light, and favored him over her original boyfriend.

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I think you did the right thing seeking the truth, and I sympathize with how much it can hurt when you find yourself in love with someone who turns out to be dishonest. Its as if they cheated their way into your heart, by denying you the full picture of who they are.

Don't let this guy ``bench you'' and keep you as a backup, when what you could have is a real relationship with someone who gives you their full attention. Hon, it usually best to give yourself a break from guys like this. 1-3 months is usually long enough to clear your head and decide what you really want.

I wish you the best, and really hope you will go out there and get what you really want out of life. you deserve it.