Male w/ BPD and dating

I've posted once under the personality disorders forum.

I'm a male diagnosed with BPD and am introverted. Together, these two facets of me make dating other women very difficult. I'm ill-tempered with women and often feel rejected, while other times am often rejected for real. Reasons for real rejection are hard to determine cause it depends on woman and my interactions with her. Introversion also makes it difficult to go out and socialize to meet women as my social energy level decreases rapidly. I can last maybe 1-3 hours in public before hitting the showers. Sometimes my time in public is cut short further by my unstable mood throughout the day. In morning I might be motivated and high in energy and then while riding train to destination my mood hits the opposite mark and I'm sad and anxious. This can ruin my goals with meeting potential dates.

Solutions to my dilemma anyone? Any other males with BPD and were introverted and who struggled with dating, yet found some good solutions that reaped results. By results I mean more frequent dates, less tense relationships with women, and maybe even long term relationships.

For treatment, I currently work with someone who does DBT. For medications, I'm on tramadol for anti-depressant effects, klonopin for social anxiety, and seroquel for mood and psychotic episodes. They only help sometimes as in maybe some days of a given week, while other days they don't do much of anything to ease the negative symptoms.

My post is brief and I haven't given all the information on these issues, so if anyone posts please feel free to ask me for further information.

Oh and I'd prefer mostly male perspectives. Not really looking for advice from women. Women can still comment, but I will give priority to male perspectives.

Hey rhoadesd,

For me, my introversion and BPD traits meant that I also could only handle 1-3hrs of social settings before burning out, and just going out dating at random would never work for me, but... fortunately there are others ways to meet women. Once met, I tended to prefer quiet restaurants, going to a movie, let's go to the museum, let's go have a cup of coffee on the beach, etc. Places that are quieter work for me. I also do well at something like a concert, but even though that's a loud setting, it's really a limited social interaction setting, focus being on the music. That all works for another reason. If she is into the same, you may have found someone you'll be compatible with long term.

What are you doing now to meet women? Do you have a wingman, a buddy, or are you the type to prefer going alone?

xdude wrote:For me, my introversion and BPD traits meant that I also could only handle 1-3hrs of social settings before burning out, and just going out dating at random would never work for me, but... fortunately there are others ways to meet women. Once met, I tended to prefer quiet restaurants, going to a movie, let's go to the museum, let's go have a cup of coffee on the beach, etc. Places that are quieter work for me. I also do well at something like a concert, but even though that's a loud setting, it's really a limited social interaction setting, focus being on the music. That all works for another reason. If she is into the same, you may have found someone you'll be compatible with long term.

What are you doing now to meet women? Do you have a wingman, a buddy, or are you the type to prefer going alone?

My largest issue is actually meeting women somewhere. Approach and start a conversation that leads to dates. I can approach and start conversations if a woman happens to run into me randomly, but I prefer some sort of structured system of approaching and getting dates on a more consistent basis instead of letting it be random. Like say 1-2 dates each week or every couple weeks would be both manageable and satisfactory.

When you mention coffee, quiet restaurants, and going to a movie do you mean this is where you met the woman or this is where you took her out on a date? I wasn't sure from the way the post was worded.

For past month I've been going to events from New York Social Network to meet women. They host events at rooftop bars, comedy shows, yoga at the park, etc. These events are hit or miss. Some have women, but many I have no attraction for. Other times some attractive ones appear and I'll have casual conversations at some point, but it leads to nothing further. The women seem to go for socializing and the events themselves rather than wanting to find a date or suitable partner. For instance, we talk for a few minutes and then other people want to talk and do stuff, so that there is no chance of developing rapport and attraction with her. I've asked for text numbers, but they normally won't reply to the first text. I don't text more than once so I don't sound desperate.

My other method is through Match.com. I have a paid account on Match and the site also hosts public events for singles. However, the events can be very expensive sometimes and they are usually done a couple times a month, which is too infrequent for me. I went to one event which was a sword class and met about 4 women. One of them looked at my Match profile and we exchanged a few messages, but she decided I wasn't fit because I made a comment about "not liking people with extreme rightist views." I've sent about 90 messages to women of varying levels of attractiveness (by my standards), different careers and ages and haven't gotten any replies.

I thought about trying Barnes and Noble to strike up conversations with women who are browsing books or maybe doing more Meetup groups with larger amounts of women. Just not sure which Meetups are best for that. Maybe bookclubs or dance classes?

I have no wingman. I actually don't have very many friends in NY and most are too busy to hang out to be my wingman. I'd probably have to pay them to come to help me with that. No, I don't like going on my own to events as I have low confidence/self-esteem issues. I never feel comfortable in my own skin when traveling on the train and having to maneuver my way into the crowds at events.

Of course, maybe I'm not physically attractive looking to get dates. Would a picture of myself help people on here judge whether I should even be considering online or in person dating? Maybe I'm one of the unlucky few men with bad enough genes that I'm not fit for any woman.

I know looks are one factor that determines women being attracted to me, but for online dating, most women will only have my pictures to judge me. Yes, the profile text can help, but I don't think it helps enough to make them want to strike up a conversation online. Online dating is mostly about the pictures. So that's why I'm considering posting my main pic from Match on here.

Hey rhoadesd,

Absolutely do NOT post any pics of yourself here. The site rules are explicit about this. You must remain anonymous, avoiding posting any information that would reveal who you are in real life. This isn't a dating site anyway.

As for meeting women, well in reality we cross paths with women every day at work, school, while out shopping, church, whatever your day to day includes. We may not notice, or avoid during these opportunities, but it can be surprising what a 'hi', a smile, and an in the moment conversation can lead too. I do get the want to try and accelerate the process, but that's somewhat of a modern thing to do. What did people do before there was the like of match.com? Somehow they still managed to meet, and start something.

p.s. I wanted to add, that practicing those greetings, and conversations in your day to day life might help you in your more directed pursuits. It's really not about where to go meet women, but about being comfortable around them when you are there

Hey I just wanted to say that if you have already made some little steps to improve yourself this is the most important thing actually. Start with women that you meet when riding the train or you go to the same shop - just start where you really feel comfortable. Good luck to you

xdude wrote:As for meeting women, well in reality we cross paths with women every day at work, school, while out shopping, church, whatever your day to day includes. We may not notice, or avoid during these opportunities, but it can be surprising what a 'hi', a smile, and an in the moment conversation can lead too. I do get the want to try and accelerate the process, but that's somewhat of a modern thing to do. What did people do before there was the like of match.com? Somehow they still managed to meet, and start something.

p.s. I wanted to add, that practicing those greetings, and conversations in your day to day life might help you in your more directed pursuits. It's really not about where to go meet women, but about being comfortable around them when you are there

I already know how to converse with women. In fact, I do it quite often while on train or if I see some woman with a dog. That part is easy. So maybe some more sophisticated advice please. This isn't that helpful.

-- Sun Jul 29, 2018 7:39 pm --

MerryJ wrote:Hey I just wanted to say that if you have already made some little steps to improve yourself this is the most important thing actually. Start with women that you meet when riding the train or you go to the same shop - just start where you really feel comfortable. Good luck to you

Well, I think there is always a level of discomfort in approaching attractive women, but I do it anyways. Problem is I am a little lost in how to escalate it to more intimate things like dates. It's easy to be friendly and become friendzoned by many women. I need something more specific that leads to an actual future coffee date or something chill with the woman.

So a tiny bit helpful, but not the advice I'm looking for. I'm not a complete hermit or lack social skills. I socialize often. I have like 5 roommates who I'm friends with and chat regularly with. So I don't need advice on practicing conversations. I'm pretty natural at it.

Hey rhoadesd,

This specific sub-forum is for relationship issues, but this really isn't a dating site, so yea, you aren't likely to get much in the way of dating advice here beyond general suggestions.

There may be such sites, or books out there, but I have no idea where to look.

xdude wrote:Hey rhoadesd,

This specific sub-forum is for relationship issues, but this really isn't a dating site, so yea, you aren't likely to get much in the way of dating advice here beyond general suggestions.

There may be such sites, or books out there, but I have no idea where to look.

Gotcha.