He is scared to meet up with me

Hi everyone

I am new to the forum. I would like some advice regarding a trauma survivor I have been friends with for three years now.

We met doing martial arts together but he left the dojo a while ago as our sensei was taking advantage of him, forcing him to teach and not giving him additional training.

We had a huge crush on one another three years ago, but nothing came of it as he is incapable of getting close to anyone. He knows he should be in therapy but has told me he is not ready and does not trust anyone. We text a lot - for hours at least once a week - and I became a good friend to him once I understood that more than friendship was really impossible.

He has just two friends, whom he has known for 15 years. Other than that, he spends his time alone and has told me he is alone and hurt. I believe, from the little he's told me, that his father is abusive and both his mom and brother have tried to kill themselves on more than one occasion. He himself says there are whole days of which he remembers absolutely nothing, only going to bed at night.

Last night he was very depressed and when we were chatting he said I wasn't there for him when he was at his lowest and loneliest. I told him that I would have been there if he had reached out to me because I am there for him any time of the day and night. The thing is, although he has managed to meet me for coffee and a couple of hikes, he mostly cannot manage to meet up with me. It's as if he's avoiding me - he usually says he is just too busy, though he has also confessed that he is so scared of pain he mostly avoids doing anything that could trigger feelings of pain within him.

Is there anything I can do or say to assist him with this? In the past, I used to ask him if I should stop asking him to do anything, and he usually said, 'No, I want to go." What is worse, my not asking him, or my asking him knowing full well he'll probably reject the invitation? I do try to make light of it and say, "There's no rush, whenever you feel up to it." Sometimes he will surprise me and meet up with me, but when he does, he's very tense and anxious. I asked him last night if he perhaps doesn't enjoy going out and he said, "I mostly enjoy it."

So...I guess I just need to know how to behave so as not to cause him more pain.

I have also told him I have unconditional love for him (we had a conversation about this at one stage) and I will never abandon him (this is his greatest fear). He told me last night that he doesn't yet trust me enough to open up to me (after three years!) and it will take time. That's okay, though. I want him to know I'm there for him no matter what.

Hey LaylaRoseRainbow,

On the plus side, it seems like he has been honest with you. I don't think you are hurting him in anyway. The opposite, you seem to accept him, and it appears he appreciates that you ask him to hang out, and accept when he is not in the mood.

He is unlikely to ever be someone who just loves going out, but yea, until/if he is ready for therapy (as you wrote about already), there is only so much you can do as a friend.

The main thing, as always, is to be honest with you. Are you really okay with the relationship as-is?

Thanks for the response. Nice to get a response from someone!

I have accepted the 'relationship' for what it is. I told him yesterday that I can offer him unconditional love and care, which I can. He said thanks. He's improved a lot because a couple of years ago he couldn't even talk to people - he was monosyllabic. He's told me he's much less angry these days and I know it's because we're friends. I know I can do some good in his life and that's more important to me than having my own needs met! It's a learning curve for me and I've grown a lot.

My aim is to support him when he does talk about therapy again because I know it will come up. He has to get to the point at which he knows in his heart that he must take the step. A while back he even admitted that he knows he must confront his demons head-on - he said, "Once I've done that, then we can talk." I think he loves me as much as he is able to right now, and that's fine. I love him very dearly. I'm not putting my life on hold, by the way, as I've been married and divorced a couple of times and am actually very focused on my new career and my writing career right now. I love my life and I love myself.