Any chance she might come back?

Yes, well done.

Use whatever mantra, mental image, that works for you to maintain your resolve. Toxic people empower themselves by sucking the life energy (i.e., self-esteem) out of others. You deserve to feel good again.

Ugh I made the mistake of adding her number back into my phone last night. I know I shouldn't have but I'd had a few drinks after work.

Didn't message her but just saw that she was online on Whatsapp for most of the evening which in all likelihood means that she is seeing someone new. I did think she was as her ex husband and kids were away for two weeks earlier this month so I assume she used the freedom and time to get into something new. Plus obviously she hasn't reached out in the time since saying she wanted to take a break.

Has made me feel awful today. I won't be doing that again.

Feels like I'm back to square one again six weeks after she ended it with me.

Hey richdeniro,

Yea, those steps backwards are painful, but they happen.

On the positive side you've reminded yourself why the break-up occurred in the first place. All that feeling terrible about yourself is what you'd be going back to. You are a good guy, and deserve better.

I had a major breakthrough in my therapy session yesterday when we discussed Attachment theory. It was almost like a Eureka moment. I basically came to the conclusion that my last relationship was a Anxious-Avoidant relationship' with me obviously having a 'anxious attachment style', It's why I found it so hard to get over my ex and why she acted in the way she did (not that it excuses her behaviour).

There are basically three different types of attachment in adults; secure, anxious, or avoidant. They can be broken down further and if you google attachment types you can find definitions. Depending on what type of attachment type you have compared to your partner can help you see how compatible you are and how toxic the relationship might end up becoming, this link and many others out there kind of explain what I went through; aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2011/02/09/anxious-avoidant-trap/

Over the last few months I have been wondering how my ex could treat someone so badly but now I can understand why, it was her attachment style and even though I won't forget I can sort of now forgive. Of course because she was on the rebound from her divorce it would have been hard to spot her attachment style as she lovebombed me in the beginning but as soon as she returned to normal the whole avoidance came into play whereas due to my anxious attachment I became needy and insecure (although with good reason) as I just wanted that intimacy back. Now I can see it was never really there with her in the first place. Also reading about how 'avoidant-anxious' relationships are the types that usually end up those types that are always off and on. Exactly what I went through.

I can now also see why her marriage became loveless and sexless, she was married to another avoidant.

I now realise her ending it was nothing to do with me and I can forgive her for ending it by text and using the words ‘I need to fancy someone more’. The sad thing is she will never find that person she is looking for as he doesn’t exist. Until she figures out and works on her issues she will always avoid relationships. Having an anxious attachment type myself my initial instinct is to want to help her and try to fix her but I know this is impossible, if I told her about her attachment style her initial reaction would most likely be to run away - avoidance again.

I think knowing all this has given me some sort of closure as I now feel ready to move on and not have that hope there that she will get in touch again.

Very cool!

Many people here have written something similar, that learning about Attachment Theory has helped them to see more clearly.

I do think you nailed it with this -

richdeniro wrote:I now realise her ending it was nothing to do with me and I can forgive her for ending it by text and using the words ‘I need to fancy someone more’. The sad thing is she will never find that person she is looking for as he doesn’t exist. Until she figures out and works on her issues she will always avoid relationships.

As you wrote, the person she is looking for does not exist. Even if she finds someone, she'll still be unhappy and damage the relationship. Yes, really truly, there is nothing you could have done different that would have made any difference.

You are a good guy who just got involved with someone that cannot handle a relationship. Oh she may enjoy the opening moves of one, but that's rather like being excited at Christmas by the wrapping paper, only to always be unhappy with what is inside. It can be hard to know this until you get to know the person better, and almost nobody ever says 'my last relationship failed because of me', but now that you know better hopefully you can see the signs earlier.

Hang in there man.

Thanks so much and for the continued support

I did wonder how she managed to stay in her marriage for 10 years with this attachment style but she did say that it became loveless/sexless a long time ago and she was never happy.

Could that be a case of two avoidants coming together? Her ex-husband from what I understand, whilst a good guy also, didn't seem prepared to fight for her or the marriage and it must have become a case of two friends cohabiting together for the kids basically.

I still do wonder if she will ever reach out, I know she won't find better than me and that she won't find the connection we shared together. Do avoidants usually just move on with no real looking back or do they take longer to just get to that missing you kind of stage?

I also wonder if she did meet anyone and realise the grass isn't greener, would that have any effect on her or would she just move on without even thinking of me and continue looking for a different guy?

These aren't questions of hope, just a general wondering about this kind of attachment.

Yea, but it's hard to know since we only ever hear one side of the story. Could be her husband did do a lot of fighting to make it work before giving up trying.

Also it could be no matter who it is, she'd have grown bored, avoidant herself, testing the relationship, etc. Again almost nobody ever tells you this stuff about themselves when you meet them. It's almost always the other person's fault Just us humans, we see faults in others more clearly then we see our own.

We'd be guessing about the possibility of her coming back, but of course the other question is if she does come back, and she hasn't had that epiphany, would you really want to risk being hurt again?

It would take a hell of a lot for me to take her back in anyway now. She would have to recognise how she treated me, apologise and show me with her actions rather than words that she wanted me in her life.

I don't think this will happen though, I think she really did just use me and probably hasn't given me much thought at all since ending it especially as she most likely left me for someone else.

I do miss her as a friend as she did become my best friend whilst we were together. In time I hope that I can get past that.

My main issue at the moment and we’ve touched on it in therapy is due to my attachment style and insecurities I find it extremely hard to move on especially with a complete hard cut off as it’s like I meant absolutely nothing to her and the reason I wanted her to reach out is because I need that validation that I am not completely worthless. Even though it doesn’t matter as it is done I do find it hard as my happiness is dependent on other people to an extent. Her being able to be so cold and completely switch off without even a ‘how are you’ or anything ends up still hurting as it just makes me feel the whole relationship was pointless and that to her I was just completely nothing.

Hey man,

Understood. I don't have any answers either. On a personal level I think people with your attachment style probably make great partners, as you are not the type to just bail when the going gets rough, or even when everything is going fine. If you are right about her attachment style then that can be one of those things that is so hard to fathom, everything is going fine ... and then they run, avoid, etc.

It always sucks when someone doesn't get closure. Sadly it seems sometimes the only closure is just 'nothing was wrong'. I think you mentioned something important too. Sometimes the only real problem is the other person has no clue what they want. She may be the type who wanted the security, a loving partner, stable, only to then switch gears, wanting something else, until she doesn't anymore. But then if she got you back, you'd fall into your role, and she'd repeat her pattern too.

Glad you are speaking with a therapist. I still think you deserve someone better