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Fear of intimacy :(

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Fear of intimacy :(

Postby russiandoll » Mon Jul 02, 2018 4:24 pm

I have been online dating for about 2 years and every time I start getting close to someone or they show physical interest in me... I freak out. I am scared of not just sex but kissing, hand holding and everything else. A guy once asked to kiss me and I rejected him, and the one time a guy just took the initiative and actually kissed me, I just stood there and didn't kiss him back.

I feel like I have avoidant traits, and I am also just very shy. I have realised its not the act of sex itself which I find scary, or nudity or anything like that.... I have had a vaginal ultrasound and was completely cool with it, but it's the emotional intimacy which sex creates, that I'm scared of. Why this is a problem is that I've met someone who I really like, and I want to overcome this fear so there can actually be a physical element to the relationship. Do you think explaining to him how I feel and the issues I have would help? And that maybe I should tell him to take the initiative to try and help me overcome this fear? Also, does anyone have experience with this issue more broadly? And does the fear go away after you have become more experienced?
Thanks :)
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Re: Fear of intimacy :(

Postby sakura1 » Tue Jul 03, 2018 9:23 am

sorry i don't know how to help just to relate in some extent.
i think i am afraid of it too.i am not sure what it means .i think i am afraid that intimacy will lead to abandonment or shame maybe.
i am also afraid to say what i am afraid of ,even more.for the same reasons.
i think it matters to find someone that truly cares for you ,sometimes i think exactly because i am afraid i usually do the opposite of finding someone who doesn't care (except about sex only probably) because deep down i know with them i have nothing to lose but i traumatized myself more
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Re: Fear of intimacy :(

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue Jul 03, 2018 12:18 pm

openness and honesty are essential to any successful relationship. however, that said, timing can be important too. you need to feel that the time is right to broach such subjects. also, everyone is different. not everyone has a need for physical intimacy. and some people can indeed be quite avoidant too. it's all a matter of gauging the situation and feeling your way, for want of a better expression. the other thing to remember is that there's no point in winding yourself up about things that might be, because equally they might not be, and by doing so you just limit yourself. so, my advice is to try to relax as much as possible and see where things go. if you end up feeling out of your depth, then you need to address the situation. but until then, just let things develop naturally.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Fear of intimacy :(

Postby russiandoll » Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:16 pm

Update: I told him about my issues so he wouldn't interpret my lack of physical affection as coldness and he responded really well. He was very gentlemanly about it. He gave me a long hug tonight and it kind of freaked me out. I am considering inviting him to a spa retreat kind of place with me to tackle the issue on the head...
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Re: Fear of intimacy :(

Postby Reddragon2 » Fri Jul 06, 2018 4:12 pm

I can relate to this. Mostly, for me personally, it's due to fear of rejection and disgust. I can't bear the thought of someone rejecting or being disgusted by me, which I believe is inevitable. Anyway, since I'm 23, I feel like it's time to suck it up and do something about it. I guess you should just dive into it and accept that you're uncomfortable.
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Re: Fear of intimacy :(

Postby Holodeck » Sat Jul 14, 2018 4:11 pm

I used to not be like this but I too have intimacy issues that cropped up around 5 years ago.

I have a fear of pregnancy which doesn't help. My ex-husband would make me out to be the best wife ever then tear me down over things that I often didn't even do.

I finally got used to hugs thanks to my boyfriend I've been with for a few years now. I'm shocked that ever got better. We rarely have sex. I have a high libido and I'm not at all shy about discussing anything sexual but when it comes to even the small things it feels like it goes against my grain. I do them half hoping that I'll get used to it and half wanting him to learn I might be too far gone.

I wasn't like this until in a point before my divorce. I'm hoping it will reverse.
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Re: Fear of intimacy :(

Postby pamelaperejil » Sat Jul 14, 2018 7:50 pm

russiandoll wrote: Do you think explaining to him how I feel and the issues I have would help? And that maybe I should tell him to take the initiative to try and help me overcome this fear?


Thumbs up to both suggestions.

Also, does anyone have experience with this issue more broadly? And does the fear go away after you have become more experienced?
Thanks :)


Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I've sworn off relationships because I can't fix the sex thing. It has never diminished or gone away. Sometimes I think it just doesn't go away. I doubt my experience is typical, though. In your case, it may well go away.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

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Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
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