The case of the disputed inherited antiques....

Hi Good People,

Just looking for a little friendly advice:

Just got back from my third time helping out my older parents with their move into their new house. Helping pack boxes, mostly. Staying over on weekends. A lot of work. They are downsizing into a smaller house and have awhile to move in.

The other day, my mother asked me if I wanted a rare antique, silver tea urn (made in Europe) that's been in our family for generations (was my mom's grandparents). I was kind of excited to have this conversation piece. She said that she gave my sister got a big round, antique, solid oak table. She had offered it to me before but I turned it down since it's to big for my place.

While packing yesterday, I told my stepdad (who has been in our family since I was in diapers, over 45 years ago), I told him that my mom said I could have the tea urn. He was adamant that I should work something out with my sister (full blooded, BTW) and that she might not be taking the oak table after all, that she worked out something with the new tenants at the house our folk's are moving out of, that she might pick it up later. He suggested that we do a time share, one year with the urn at my place, one year at her place, and on and on. I was adamant that I don't want to "work something out" with my sister who is hot-headed and unpredictable at times, self-serving and bossy. A real handful.

My mom still thinks I should have it, and I'm disappointed, greatly in all this... I suggested that it was not in the urn's best interest to be w/ my sister since she's lived in about 25 different places in 30 years.

A bit of a gridlock, the only thing is that my folks have agreed to store this piece until things get worked out. Yet, it wouldnt' surprise me if my stepdad simply gives my a**hole sister the urn if she shows up asking for it. I call her an a**hole, since recently she resorted to physically accosting me during a heated exchange, grabbing me around the collar, I had to tell her "LET GO... " very adamantly, and she did not. I had to twist my arm around the fabric of my jacket to get out of her grip. She was also shrieking at me. This was during a day we went for a memorial to our biological father a couple months ago and got into a dispute. I did raise my voice, and apologized to her later, saying a guy my size has no right raising his voice (I was hoping she'd apologize, but she did not).

She is incredibly self-involved and self-entitled and doesn't really care about my needs, if it cuts into her game. Now, of course, the day of a memorial is not a normal, usual day, and it is understandable that she would "freak out" at me, but not to own up to it later..... just makes me sad.

Anyway, about the urn... My stepdad is pretty adamant that the urn shouldn't just be given to me... although, the oak table was given to my sister. She wanted it, changed her mind. He says the table can't really be conflated with the urn... I beg to differ: she got something she wanted, what do I get? A half-time urn with a intermittantly very angry and bossy sister who I really wish to keep at arm's length as much as possible.

Soooooooo... I'm not sure what to do. I've thought of suggesting that I take the urn to an antique appraisor and have a price estimate, then either suggest my sister pay me half or I pay her out, with half the estimate, and get to keep the urn (by the looks of similar items online, the table/chairs is worth maybe a little less than the urn).

My mother says one thing, my stepdad another. Not a comfortable situation. It's not that I care as much about owning the urn as I do about fairness...

What's fair? What options do I have?

Oh, man---let it go. No tea urn is worth all that trouble and family angst.

You're probably right... thanks for the reply.

It's hard though; it's a huge urn, like a percolator thermos, silver plated (prob. not solid silver), with language on it from the old country, probably early to mid' 1800's, maybe a bit older. Value possibly $2,000 range.

I've cooled off a bit since I posted. And, I do realize that it's not all that important, if it brings me untold grief.

I can forgive but I never forget....

Well, as the old saying goes, you can't take it with you. >cough<

I have a little theory about what you're going through. I'm a little tired tonight but will try to post tomorrow.

Okay.

So you're saying it's not about the urn itself.

So maybe it has to do with the fact that you would wish your mother and/or step-father to take your side ? Because I'm assuming that if your sister is the person you are describing, she was let off the hook for triangulating the communication times before the urn tribulations ?

Unless there's clarification from the OP, I seem to understand that it's the step-dad, not the sister, who's triangulating this situation? I mean, a time-share of the urn ownership between siblings is downright ridiculous. What is the step-dad hoping to achieve here?

Both may be triangulating ... e.g. OP's sister to keep focus on herself, and OP's step-dad could be taking advantage of sister's irresolution to undermine OP (that's just me speculating) ... But I am curious about OP's expectations regarding mother and step-father, since it seems like OP made up his mind regarding sister.

The time-share proposition is, no doubt, bizarre.

My guess is that my stepdad was looking for a creative solution so that he wouldn't have to hear about this any longer, and to try to make sure that my sister wouldn't cause any more anguish, maybe as well as me. As I've written, my folks are moving, they are elderly and under unusual stresses at this time.

Also: My stepdad was not given anything in the will from my grandparents (my mom's parents). They had it written in their will, that he was to receive nothing. That seemed cold-hearted to me, especially since he worked very hard in life and provided well for us, something which my biological father was unable to do. I would guess the former theory as to my stepdad's motives would be more likely, rather than him trying to get some control over any assets that were given to my mother. I think he's moreover just fed up with family disputes and drama and wants an easy end to any conflict.

It would be nice to think that a brother and sister could have a ritual in which they shared something like an heirloom tea decanter (better term than an urn really). Quite a rare and beautiful piece, really. But, in my case, that is not something I wish to do, at all...

What irks me mostly is being offered something than have it taken away. However, I'm not here in this life to hold grudges or "pick at scabs" (so to speak). Time heals wounds. My intuition tells me right now to just let this go for awhile, let my parents ease into their new life and, hopefully, they will have stored it for now, and then I'll wait to hear about it later. Or, I'll learn that my sister got the urn, that my stepdad got his way, that his ultimatum that I either have to share it, or lose it will have won in the end. Or, my mother will convince him to give it to me.

Or, they'll agree that it might be best to donate it to a museum (a suggestion I made about the urn) if there is no other solution, or maybe a relative/cousin who has kids (neither my sister or I have any and are too old to now). Otherwise, it's not my urn now, I've made my case for it already. It really is out of my hands. But, I don't like the idea that someone gives me something with conditions like this. I want to keep my sister at arms' length and not get wrapped up in her life as much as possible.

Kind of pisses me off, too... I just bought a used, antique china cabinet online... it would look perfect on it. Makes me sad, too. Just to have family that is not supportive enough of my feelings for a change. If I got a solid oak table given to me, I wouldn't complain that my sister got the decanter instead of me! How selfish, in my opinion.

Anyway, at some point it gets petty and idiotic, but it is the lack of caring about what I feel in all this that bothers me from both my stepdad and my sister.

-- Sun May 27, 2018 12:01 pm --

P.S.: I've also helped out my parents about 6 or 7 X the amount my sister has in recent years, with yardwork, their new house and moving. I'm not sure that should be a deciding factor in anything, and I did give freely of my time. I don't really have a right to claim that I should get special treatment as a result of this, but it could've been a factor in my mother's decision to offer me the table first, which I declined, then offer me the decanter, which I accepted. At some point, there can be a winner and loser in these situations when you have two people who want the same thing.

It is also hard to figure a lot of this out, since my mother has mild dementia. Oy... life can get complicated!