Starting to feel bitter towards women

Markness wrote:I exercised at a gym for years but my body didn't respond to my efforts. I am still out of shape and flabby.

I don't think you want a girlfriend. I think what you really want is attention and sympathy. I think you use this forum as a place to vent and regulate emotion and, in all fairness, you probably need the help and don't have very many other resources. So, one again, you remind me of myself.

I don't think it's wrong to ask. Other people aren't being forced to help you.

Ideally you would be able to soothe yourself and regulate your own emotions, but if you're just going through a rough patch and need the help, for whatever reason... meh. I guess I can understand that, as long as you realize that it's nobody's job to help you.

That's probably a controversial point of view.

-- Fri Aug 03, 2018 10:49 pm --

xdude wrote:...we avoid censorship here so long as posts are not attacking anyone or breaking the forum rules.

I think you do well.

-- Fri Aug 03, 2018 10:52 pm --

At the risk of sounding condescending (or hypocritical):

Attitude (by Charles Swindoll)

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

pamelaperejil wrote:I don't think you want a girlfriend. I think what you really want is attention and sympathy. I think you use this forum as a place to vent and regulate emotion and, in all fairness, you probably need the help and don't have very many other resources. So, one again, you remind me of myself.

I want a girlfriend. My singlehood is largely why I became clinically depressed in the first place. I think about how much I want a relationship every day but I don't know what to do in terms of finding a relationship. I don't fit in culturally where I live and I often fear I will have to become an aggressive jerk like so many guys around me are. I have Aspergers syndrome and live in the most unfriendly place for those who have it.

Markness wrote:I want a girlfriend. My singlehood is largely why I became clinically depressed in the first place. I think about how much I want a relationship every day but I don't know what to do in terms of finding a relationship. I don't fit in culturally where I live and I often fear I will have to become an aggressive jerk like so many guys around me are. I have Aspergers syndrome and live in the most unfriendly place for those who have it.

I'm sorry to hear you're single and frustrated about it. I'm sorry you don't fit in nicely to the stereotype of what women want. I'm sorry you live in the Bible Belt and feel misunderstood and out of place. Being different sucks.

Markness wrote: I think about how much I want a relationship every day but I don't know what to do in terms of finding a relationship.

Mark, there are over 70 replies in this thread which is a lot for any thread. Surely there are ideas here that you can use. I have also sent you a couple of PMs with suggestions for you.

pamelaperejil wrote:I don't think you want a girlfriend.

I think he wants one but I'm feeling the effort part really isn't his thing. There is a lot of advice here.

Markness wrote:I exercised at a gym for years but my body didn't respond to my efforts. I am still out of shape and flabby.

Well it turns out that like most things in life you get back what you put into it and nothing happens overnight. Get a personal trainer. Spend 4-5 days a week at the gym 1.5 hrs a day for three months while making a real effort. If you told me you didn't see any difference you would be lying to me.

Markness wrote:I have Aspergers syndrome and live in the most unfriendly place for those who have it.

So move someplace else! You're 29 years old. Nobody is forcing you to stay there.

Markness wrote:My singlehood is largely why I became clinically depressed in the first place.

It didn't help, but that is not what's keeping you depressed. You're depressed because in spite of all the advice you have been given here you have convinced yourself that you cannot change and there is nothing you can do about your situation.

I'll leave you with one more piece of advice; I know you are Aspie, but you need to learn to ask questions. I'm not saying it will be easy or that you have to be great at it, but you have to show interest in other people. I don't think you have asked anyone posting in this thread a single direct question.

I wish you luck. You can keep writing here about how unhappy you are and creating excuses here as to why you can't do anything, or you can make the effort to change your life. It's up to you. ( I apologize if this post comes off as a bit harsh. )

-S

Shattered Mind wrote:I wish you luck. You can keep writing here about how unhappy you are and creating excuses here as to why you can't do anything, or you can make the effort to change your life. It's up to you. ( I apologize if this post comes off as a bit harsh. )

Would it be at all helpful to reframe his behavior in your own mind? He's not asking for help getting a girlfriend or moving... he demonstrably has no intention of doing so at the moment. He's venting to help manage his own emotions and/or he's deathly bored and trying to occupy his mind by posting stuff. That's not particularly well done or worthy of him, but surely he's not really hurting anyone. It should be fairly easy to ignore him if you should wish to do so.

Markness,

I don't know if this helps you are not but will throw it out there -

A technique I use with myself at times, that works for me, is to stop saying to myself "I want [fill in the blank]" and replace it with the reality. Here are some examples of what I mean:

Suppose someone says "I want to be a CEO". Usually that means they have a selective image in their heads, focused on just the very best parts of being a CEO. If that is replaced with "I want to work 24/7, be legally responsible, go to school for several years to obtain an MBA + ideally another degree, I want to have little life outside of work, I want to spend most of my time away from home, etc.", does that change what they want? For some people, yes, that really is what they want, but the many who think they want to be a CEO, want none of that. They just mean they want an end game benefit.

Another example, some people say "I want to be famous". Again, the seemingly positive parts come to mind. Fame, people want to meet you, etc. But if replaced with "I want to be critiqued for my every performance/move, I want to work at my skill from the moment I wake until end of the day, I want to give up much of my privacy when in public, I want to be in constant competition with others, etc." does that change what they want?

So suppose you replace "I want a girlfriend", your image of how that is going to be, or want it to be, with the rest of it? Because others here have written in this thread, and many others, relationships can be very stressful too. The reality of a relationship vs the ideal, often not the same.