Starting to feel bitter towards women

Well, you told me I didn't know much and that came off as condescending to me. Yes, Aspergers makes social life hard for me but I am not a recluse. I want to engage with others but I get discouraging results so I lose my motivation.

A part of me does realize I have hard pills to swallow in regards to my low self-esteem and negativity but I don't know how to feel okay with myself. How can I suddenly feel okay when I've had so many disappointments and failures in my past? I've been told my past doesn't equal my future and what happened before can't hurt me now but my mind refuses to change.

Mark,

There are surely some qualities about you and talents you have that you can capitalize on and use in a social context.

Did I read somewhere in one of your previous posts that you work in a library or a bookstore? (It's been a while since, so I don't rightly remember here.) For example, if you like reading books in several genres, perhaps you can set up a book club in the local library or bookstore or coffeeshop. It's the responsibility of the book club leader to prepare a list of suggested books and draw up some questions to keep the discussion flow for a meeting.

The idea here is creating opportunities to meet ppl who have interests similar to your own. If your hometown doesn't offer adult classes in subjects you like or want to learn, you can arrange meetups via online and meet in a coffeeshop or restaurant to discuss common interests.

I know a woman who has suffered agoraphobia (a fear of public places) for years but has this talent for whipping up good meals. She took it upon herself to offer cooking classes in her kitchen by putting in a small ad in a local newspaper, and ppl came. Her students raved about her recipes, and she now has a blog that draws hundreds of views. She met her husband in a baking course she taught.

I know this seems daunting for you, to create your own opportunities for meeting ppl, but you do need to start somewhere with small steps. Look at and concentrate on your abilities, not the disabilities and failures, and someone will notice how you shine there. That someone may be the woman who's met her match.

I had a long message but the site crashed on me so I lost it. I am also currently short on time but I will answer that I do indeed work at a public library. However, it's a job I've come to loathe and it has not helped me socially.

shock_the_monkey wrote:

Markness wrote:I always see men punching women in the face and harassing them in all sorts of ways but they are the ones with girlfriends while I am alone.

... if this is what you think works, you're moving in the wrong circles. finding someone is less about trying and more about simply casting your nets far enough. you seem to me to be fishing in the wrong place ...

Markness wrote:I really don't want to hate women but I fear I'll have to become what I hate (A cold iron pumping alpha male) to finally have a relationship.

... and it's giving you the wrong attitude too.

I really used to hope I would have a story where I overcame my struggles and found love despite what my naysayers told me. But my story will likely end with my character dying an unhappy ending and the universe laughing at me.

Markness wrote:I've tried to do things that others tell me to do in order to attract women but nothing ever works out. (

What do others tell you to do?

perejil wrote:

Markness wrote:I've tried to do things that others tell me to do in order to attract women but nothing ever works out. (

What do others tell you to do?

1) Suppress my emotions and be an iron pumping alpha male: I spent many years at a local gym trying to put on muscle and lose weight but my body didn't respond to my efforts. I have weak muscles, belly fat, chest fat, gluteal fat, and a double chin despite all the exercise.

2) Go to church and a bible study: I grew up going to church so I knew from the beginning that churches already have established cliques and I couldn't join them. I gave a bible study a try and it was mostly sports jockies so I didn't fit in with them.

3) Go to bars: Most people my age do this. The problem is that I don't drink or smoke and even when I did drink some small amounts of alcohol, it didn't change anything. The "liquid courage" I was told women get in these kinds of settings also didn't happen.

4) Do online dating: I struck out because I do not look like Brad Pitt and the gender ratio on those sites is severely unbalanced so the deck was stacked against me.

5) Punch women in the face, tell them they smell like horses, and scream at them if they don't get you a beer: I didn't want to become like the "bad boys" who terrorized me and got all the girls for themselves but being gentle hasn't done anything for me.

6) Go to college. That's where you will find "the one": Biggest lie I've ever been told.

Markness wrote:1) Suppress my emotions and be an iron pumping alpha male: I spent many years at a local gym trying to put on muscle and lose weight but my body didn't respond to my efforts. I have weak muscles, belly fat, chest fat, gluteal fat, and a double chin despite all the exercise.

2) Go to church and a bible study: I grew up going to church so I knew from the beginning that churches already have established cliques and I couldn't join them. I gave a bible study a try and it was mostly sports jockies so I didn't fit in with them.

3) Go to bars: Most people my age do this. The problem is that I don't drink or smoke and even when I did drink some small amounts of alcohol, it didn't change anything. The "liquid courage" I was told women get in these kinds of settings also didn't happen.

4) Do online dating: I struck out because I do not look like Brad Pitt and the gender ratio on those sites is severely unbalanced so the deck was stacked against me.

5) Punch women in the face, tell them they smell like horses, and scream at them if they don't get you a beer: I didn't want to become like the "bad boys" who terrorized me and got all the girls for themselves but being gentle hasn't done anything for me.

6) Go to college. That's where you will find "the one": Biggest lie I've ever been told.

That is terrible advice.

In my opinion (and limited experience) women respond to strength.

Not to musculature, not to pretense, not to alpha male posturing. Not to cliques. Not to Brad Pitt-esque physiques. Not to screaming and abuse. Not to pseudo-intellectualism. But to actual strength.

Being at ease and comfortable in your own skin. Having "presence" and a sense of self-command. Living in your own reality. Having social skills without trying too hard. Being able to "see" a woman and make her feel recognized and special. Not putting up with her $#%^. Playing the game according to your own rules and not pandering to women's pretensions.

My advice is to find out what you're good at and then capitalize on it. If you're insecure or needy, it will show and drive women away. Same thing if you're bitter. If you're just searching for a slot filler for the sake of the status it (she) gives. The trick is not to need anyone, not to need a relationship. To have a blast just being yourself, to be content and whole by yourself first. You need to understand yourself and to understand the female mentality, what women want.

Where are you most comfortable? Chances are the women with similar interests will be hanging out there. Also, maybe diversify your interests. Ever see 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty"? If your job is boring, maybe pick up an interesting hobby.

Aim for excellence in your areas of expertise. And lose the 'by thirty' nonsense.

Corrollary question: what have you got to offer a woman in return?

The places where I am comfortable aren't in my area and I've tried to meet new friends at them but I always fail to do so.

I am a caring person and I try to be adventurous but women seem to hate men like that.

Markness wrote:The places where I am comfortable aren't in my area and I've tried to meet new friends at them but I always fail to do so.

Why?

I am a caring person and I try to be adventurous but women seem to hate men like that

Women do not hate men like that. Maybe you should try moving to another area. Also you could start a Facebook group about stuff you're interested in, or join someone else's group. Try to find people that way. Or try volunteering at an alternative, low budget radio station.

What do you like about you?

What do you like about other people?

What do you like about women?

perejil wrote:

Markness wrote:The places where I am comfortable aren't in my area and I've tried to meet new friends at them but I always fail to do so.

Why?

I live in the Bible Belt and the culture of the city I live in is shallow and boring. People just don't seem to want to make friends with me because they already have enough or they think I am ugly. My hair is thinning in the front of my head, I am overweight, and I have weak muscles.

I am a caring person and I try to be adventurous but women seem to hate men like that

Women do not hate men like that. Maybe you should try moving to another area. Also you could start a Facebook group about stuff you're interested in, or join someone else's group. Try to find people that way. Or try volunteering at an alternative, low budget radio station.

What do you like about you?

What do you like about other people?

What do you like about women?

I wish I could move but I don't have the money to do so. I earn only poverty level income as well.

I like that I am not an ignorant redneck or robotic Bible Belter.

I like people when they are open minded and friendly. When they aren't, I feel hurt.

I like how women are generally more accepting of who I am and not what I am expected to be. I also like the voices and creativity of artistic minded women. Outside of extreme obesity or anorexic skinniness, I love the feminine form as well.