Starting to feel bitter towards women

Shanzie wrote:

Markness wrote:I don't want to feel this way but my failures to establish a relationship for nearly the last 8 years is making me feel bitter towards women. I've tried to do things that others tell me to do in order to attract women but nothing ever works out. I always see men punching women in the face and harassing them in all sorts of ways but they are the ones with girlfriends while I am alone. I am almost 30 and I feel so behind and hopeless about my situation ever getting better. I really don't want to hate women but I fear I'll have to become what I hate (A cold iron pumping alpha male) to finally have a relationship.

Mark, one girl you genuinely enjoy hanging out with beats 1000 mediocre relationships, don't beat yourself over numbers, just a useless statistics. None of my female friends would ever go for 'cold iron pumping alpha male', all people crave understanding, love, friendship and honesty, not pretense nor violence. Not if you step away from temporary pleasures and observe the wider picture.

Relax and stop trying. All the guys I ever fell for sort of came accidentally in my life through some sort of mutual interest. What made me fell for them was the fact they were never obsessed with pursuing me but always had their own thing going on (their personal happiness never depended on me or any other person), fall in love with your passions and let the people come or leave if they feel like it. The less you force it, the more they'll be coming after you.
Follow your thing and sooner or later it'll lead you to those similar to you. if you're not sure what your thing is yet - then that's the direction to go first.

Well, I once tried asking a girl who liked manga out for coffee because it's something I enjoy too but she turned the offer down. I used to hope playing the guitar would make girls like me because I was told that women like guitar players but they didn't look my way and even when I go to music shows, the girls there just don't want to talk to me.

People tell me I exude desperation but how can I not feel desperate when I am almost 30 and can't even get something as simple as a coffee date? How can I feel okay when I have a past full of failures and disappointments? I wish I was never born if I had known my life was going to end up the way it has become. I feel depressed and hopeless every day I go through. I am actually worried I have a kind of depression that can't be treated and it will haunt me to my death.

Markness wrote:Well, I once tried asking a girl who liked manga out for coffee because it's something I enjoy too but she turned the offer down. I used to hope playing the guitar would make girls like me because I was told that women like guitar players but they didn't look my way and even when I go to music shows, the girls there just don't want to talk to me.

People tell me I exude desperation but how can I not feel desperate when I am almost 30 and can't even get something as simple as a coffee date? How can I feel okay when I have a past full of failures and disappointments? I wish I was never born if I had known my life was going to end up the way it has become. I feel depressed and hopeless every day I go through. I am actually worried I have a kind of depression that can't be treated and it will haunt me to my death.

Well to be perfectly honest, I'm a little wary irl of people who directly come with inquiries about coffee/date/etc without knowing much about me. Not sure how most girls feel about it. I'd only say yes (in both platonic and romantic way) to a person I've had some sort of a pre-established interaction with. I think acting friendly (discussing, sharing manga, music with no ulterior motive) and waiting for a while before suggesting coffee/gig/funeral lol is always a better idea than asking straight for a date. Could it be that you skip some initial steps and jump straight into 'wanna go out'? Not saying it's necessarily inefficient, just approaching this whole thing from my 'taking it slow' persp. Taking time to meet someone in more depth suggests effort from your side and perhaps a guarantee that you're not randomly asking just about anyone you run into for a date. I'm guessing most girls would feel offended by the latter.

Playing the guitar definitely works, no doubt there. Don't give that one up. Are you experienced enough to join someone's band?
If not, I'd put up an add and offer music lessons if I were you. Profit + likely an interesting company with at least one mutual interest. Or joining a (local) manga forum? Whatever you decide for, drop all expectations though. Desperation thing you mentioned - yes. Not an attractive trait (what I've listened to many of my friends complain about), but also not the end of the world. Adding new things in life and broadening your options should be enough to banish it.

I relate to depression struggle, dealing with your mental state first might create the welcome domino effect in other spheres of your life. Might be the root of your problem too.
And another thing, ' I've tried to do things that others tell me to do in order to attract women but nothing ever works out' - I horrendously suck at following other people's instructions (at cooking, creating, getting to places). Either I find my own way or get all lost and discouraged trying to follow other people's thought/behaviour-patterns whose internal logic doesn't work by the same rules as my own, it's a dead-end. (recently heard someone explaining how they saw a cute girl in a bus but were anxious to approach her with no intro, so they wrote a short humouristic note (phone nr included) and gave it to her seconds before they disappeared through the back door. Soon got a message btw. The girl thought it was cute)


Btw, I've seen a lot of people in these forums dealing with similar issues like yourself, perhaps you should look around a bit. Think I've seen few manga/anime threads too.

I suppose I was trying to imitate what it looks like other guys do. I also read a few times that you have to start off with romantic intentions right away or else the girl will just see you as a friend. In school, I would be nice to the girls but they didn't want to date me. They would go for the guys who harassed them instead. This made me worried that I would have to become like one of those guys and I was constantly stressing over keeping my individuality or following the crowd. I also am distraught about my 20's ending because they were supposed to be the best years of my life but they turned out to be a nightmare instead. I also have Asperger's syndrome so I have social difficulties to the point I find it difficult to even keep a conversation going.

I could play in a punk band since I can only play simple songs (I struggle with anything that I can't memorize easily) and can't do guitar solos but unfortunately there is no scene for that sort of music where I live. I live in a Bible Belt city and most of the populace loves pop country music, hip hop, popular hard rock, and don't care for anything that isn't played on mainstream radio. Music is also considered just something you either play in high school for a grade or for church or at the dive bar because it's considered just to be a hobby but not a career. Most guys my age here care more about football (Even if they don't play it), cars, drinking beer, smoking, chasing girls, and getting in fights so there is no chance of me starting a band. Manga as well as anime are also not very popular except among young teens. Most guys my age don't like manga or anime and prefer South Park or Family Guy.

Why did Shanzie's account get deleted?

I fear that there is no treatment for the depression I suffer from. The medicine I have been on isn't helping me and I just can't break my thoughts about wanting a girlfriend. Depression and Aspergers has made my brain incapable of undergoing neuroplasticity.

Hey Markness,

I don't recall if I asked you this previously, but if it helps any, do you know what it is that you believe will happen in a relationship with a GF that you are looking forward to?

I just want someone who shares common interests with me and accepts me for who I am instead of what society expects me to be. Whenever I see others in relationships, I see those things in their relationships. But I don't know how to achieve what I want.

Hi Mark,

Markness wrote: I also read a few times that you have to start off with romantic intentions right away or else the girl will just see you as a friend.

....And its bad if a girl is you friend because?????? All the guys I have been in serious relationships with I was friends first. Even if you end up as just friends she will have other female friends you'll possibly meet.

Markness wrote: In school, I would be nice to the girls but they didn't want to date me.

But did you ever try to develop a friendship with a girl while you were in school over a common interest? In some ways school made this easier since you already know everyone in your class had to study for the same tests, exams, etc. You could create or join a study group that included someone you were interested in and get to know them that way.

Markness wrote:I also am distraught about my 20's ending because they were supposed to be the best years of my life but they turned out to be a nightmare instead.

Best years? Maybe for some but definitely not all. I can understand you wanting to be in a relationship but I feel like you think some window is closing when you turn 30 and that is not true. You are at a point where I think people of both sexes get more serious about wanting long term relationships and that may work better for you.

Also I think you need to work on making yourself happier by engaging in work, studies, volunteer groups, or whatever you would enjoy. I'm not saying you should stop looking for someone, but make it priority #2 or 3 instead of #1 for a while. Right now you may think that having a girlfriend will solve all of your problems, but its important to be happy with your own life outside of a relationship as well.

Take care,
-S

Markness wrote:I just want someone who shares common interests with me and accepts me for who I am instead of what society expects me to be.

A reasonable, human want.

Markness wrote:Whenever I see others in relationships, I see those things in their relationships.

Just be careful about seeing what isn't there too. For others, many couples struggle. More a case of somewhat accepting each other.

Sometimes there is a brief period of total acceptance, the honeymoon phase, but that's short lived, based on temporary idealization. The reality comes back around.

Movies, TV, fiction books, etc., are idealizations too, not what relationships really are.

Markness wrote:But I don't know how to achieve what I want.

The world is full of people who haven't found a romantic relationship; are in one that is a struggle; who have sworn off relationships; and so on.

The reason for the question was to, hopefully, help you to take some pressure off yourself to achieve what is more of an idealization then reality.

Something others have been communicating is that at the end of the day, we are the only ones who live with ourselves 24/7. That the real solution is to turn our focus to becoming content living with ourselves, flaws, struggles, limitations, and strengths, positives, unique traits, and all. It just so happens that the more we do that, the more attractive we are to others too.

Shattered Mind wrote:....And its bad if a girl is you friend because?????? All the guys I have been in serious relationships with I was friends first. Even if you end up as just friends she will have other female friends you'll possibly meet.

I am not against having female friends. Unfortunately, even finding female friends feels impossible for me so the option of one introducing me to other female friends isn't available to me. In the culture I live in, men and women are subjected to extreme gender roles to the point they are segregated socially.

Shattered Mind wrote:But did you ever try to develop a friendship with a girl while you were in school over a common interest? In some ways school made this easier since you already know everyone in your class had to study for the same tests, exams, etc. You could create or join a study group that included someone you were interested in and get to know them that way.

I couldn't because of the gender roles of this insane culture. Girls in my culture also generally don't have male friends once they get a boyfriend because their boyfriend won't allow them to. I actually lost a female friend partly because she got a new boyfriend and said the chance of us hanging out ever again was zero.

I sometimes still have sexual dreams of a girl I was attracted to and had friendly interactions with but she always had a boyfriend and never wanted to date me.

Shattered Mind wrote:Best years? Maybe for some but definitely not all. I can understand you wanting to be in a relationship but I feel like you think some window is closing when you turn 30 and that is not true. You are at a point where I think people of both sexes get more serious about wanting long term relationships and that may work better for you.

Also I think you need to work on making yourself happier by engaging in work, studies, volunteer groups, or whatever you would enjoy. I'm not saying you should stop looking for someone, but make it priority #2 or 3 instead of #1 for a while. Right now you may think that having a girlfriend will solve all of your problems, but its important to be happy with your own life outside of a relationship as well.

Take care,
-S

Depression has killed my ability to enjoy anything. I hate my job, I am a college drop out, volunteering is considered a waste of time where I live, and I've failed to develop special talents despite trying like crazy for many years.