*TW* Relationship help - BPD? (PLEASE)

*** TRIGGER WARNING ***

My last relationship ended through a text message. We were engaged and it went from one week of them crying about them never wanting to lose me, to getting a text and never hearing from them again.
She had Borderline Personality..

Anyways.. I recently began talking to another woman and every ounce of me is saying "RUN!" but for whatever reason, I'm doing what I always seem to do.. I look past all the red flags and wind up in a toxic rollercoaster of a relationship that inevitably takes a toll on me and goes nowhere but a downhill spiral.

I can't help but blame myself because I clearly have an attraction to woman that are.. let's say "eccentric" for a better choice of words and erratic or unstable behaviour just never seems to truly faze me.
That's not entirely true since I honestly am a very sensitive person and I crave affection from my partner and if I used my last relationship as an example.. I let go the emotional and even some physical abuse and tried to see nothing but the potential "positives". Even ones that I clearly made up since I convinced myself that they were sweet and caring, just to have the words (almost verbatim) "I can't give you the affection that you want to need, that just isn't who I am". They even labeled me as needy and claimed that I asked for too much of them. It got to a point where I would be lucky to even hear from them once a week because they claimed their life was going nowhere and that they hated everything and was so busy that a simple text or phone call was a task too large to complete. The relationship began with a spark but the coldness was always there, along with the desperate need for reassurance from me. If something didn't go their way then it was the end of the world and EVERYTHING was horrible and nothing about the relationship was good. A very black and white mentality. I couldn't vent about my life without being called annoying but it was okay for me to sit for hours listening to them and lend my shoulder and support or love without any reciprocation.

I tried ending thing before and I only got back "we're not breaking up" and that's literally how it played out. When she texted that it was over, I never heard their voice again. I was nothing to them a week after they were crying about not wanting to lose me.
It's hard to wrap my mind around that thinking process.

It's possible I'm attracted to women with personality disorders since I've always been a very open minded and creative person. I'm also clinically diagnosed as an adult with ADHD so when the erratic wheels of another start to turn, I suppose it attracts me in an odd way.

*The purpose I'm here is that this woman I'm currently speaking to is all over the map and I know I should halt everything right now but I'm doing it again. I'm not being fazed and I'm screaming "don't do this to yourself again" but I keep talking to her.
She is completely different in person than when we text. Texting is almost nothing but negatives such as "a strong person can only be strong for so long, I'm going to cut myself, I don't want to live" to "I'm strong and I'm this and I'm that" etc.

We have gotten along really well in person and the negativity was pretty much negligible.
Although in text and in person, I've heard both how amazing they are, that they have an eidetic memory, how they have been manipulated and abused and so on.
Now I never want to downplay someones experiences but I've been around women before that have been very aggressive with playing the victim card and its sometimes difficult to believe them when almost every single relationship from their past.. they label the partner as a narcissist or a sociopath.

Literally every partner she has mentioned was one of those two. The only exception is her most recent ex, whom she still has in her life because they drive them to doctors appointments and it's only because they have nobody in their life that they can rely on because they are worthless and nobody would miss them etc (Their words, not mine).

I asked why would this ex go out of their way so much if they ended a 4 year relationship with you and you claim that there was never really much of a connection. They said it's likely because the ex feels guilty for leaving them during a time of health issues.
I flat out said that based on what this woman told me.. that since she makes birthday cakes and gives respect and all of this (according to her) that he is still getting some sort of boyfriend/girlfriend treatment from her without actually having any reason to lock themselves in since the relationship was ended. I said honestly that it sounds like if you weren't very sexual together (she claims) that it truly sounds like you're still in some sort of relationship with this person.

They have even tried things when they messaged me with talks of the dark cloud and self harm that they will call upon their ex because they might pick up their phone and be there for them. I really don't know if it's an attempt to make me jealous (it doesn't by the way) or she's still with this person or potentially even fictional.. I honestly have no clue.

The have been red flags like when they knew I was sleeping, they messaged me and called off a date because they need to set boundaries and not be manipulated and whatever else they said and that because I wasn't there, they went through a spiral and self harmed.

Oh and this recent ex has been described as some sort of Atypical, Aspergers genius type.. which is a little different from the typical narcissist or sociopath label she has consistently used for pretty much everyone she talks about.

It honestly sounds like he's either getting a kick out of seeing that yearning to have him around feeling, or he actually is in fact manipulating her. If any of her story is true.. he has total control over the status of whatever it is their relationship broke down to.
I said the motive for him to stick around and be there at your beck and call doesn't make any sense.. I wouldn't end a 4 year relationship just to be bothered by driving you around everywhere and putting my emotional stability on the edge.. especially since she claims they both have resentment.. things just aren't really adding up.

If I say something indicating that I'm going to back away a little, I'm instantly met with "well I need a partner that is this and that and if you're not that then etc etc"

sounds to me like someone with borderline personality and potentially some traits of narcissism herself trying to test me or pull me into their own manipulative mind game.
I'm not blind but I'm clearly stupid for engaging in a potential relationship with this woman.

I would love some advice. Even try to talk me out of it even though I'll likely still engage, knowing me to be honest.

I can share more if you ask me.. she has no official diagnosis that she would admit but said a doctor tried to tell her that she was borderline.. thats the most that really surfaced.. I think the Doc might be right and I'm not trying to be facetious..

She's actually been quite pleasant in person expect for the odd comment here and there and the constant talk of manipulative people and sociopaths and I'm the victim etc.

Please.. what are your thoughts and do you have any advice for me. If it run, then say run.. but hypothetically this continues into a relationship and she is in fact Borderline or potentially showing textbook traits of something else.. please give me advice as to how to optimize the relationship if it progresses.
The texts are the biggest hurdle.. the odd "good day" and the rest is about some psychotic person she dated or life isn't worth living and so much more.. in person.. seems pleasant and I actually enjoyed my time but my brain is telling me... you're walking into a trap that you spotted a mile away.. so why on earth are you continuing to walk forward...

Hey PDmagnet,

For most of us codependent types, we learned some deep seated messages such -

a.) You earn love by what you do for someone else.
b.) You don't deserve to be loved unless you prove it through some trial by fire, over-the-top proving it.
c.) Other people get to have problems and reasons for being screwed up, but it is our 'job' or 'lot in life' (aka our martyr syndrome) to be the voice of reason (i.e., you don't get to be screwed up, others do and this is your mission in life).

So it seems like a natural fit, she has problems, and you know what your role is to fill in the blanks. And it probably works too, for a while. You are welcomed as a fixer/saver, until you are not, then you are being a control freak, trying to change her.

You are asking the right questions! It's time to break this pattern.

It's possible I'm attracted to women with personality disorders since I've always been a very open minded and creative person. I'm also clinically diagnosed as an adult with ADHD so when the erratic wheels of another start to turn, I suppose it attracts me in an odd way.

I understand where you're coming from with this, I used to think I was attracted to personality disordered individuals because they're usually unconventional, free-spirited and often have artistic aspirations. Can't say I don't find those traits attractive even now, but I realized the issue was way more complex than that, stretching back to my own childhood.

Instead of focusing on other people's diagnoses you might need to turn your focus inwardly or the pattern will keep repeating. I personally have had my share of toxic relationships (that I'm struggling to recover from longer than I should be), another one would probably send me off to either
a psychward or suicide. I think every one of these emotional rollercoasters we engage in for the thrill of the moment takes its share of our mental stability. My naivety used to refer to these manipulative mind-fuks as 'passionate love' and believed normal people simply don't get it and aren't willing to sacrifice for love. Do I need to mention I was the one who had it all wrong?
Not gonna say 'run', though you should know by now how it will end, you just need to decide whether you're capable of going through it all over again. I don't think I'd be.

xdude wrote:Hey PDmagnet,

For most of us codependent types, we learned some deep seated messages such -

a.) You earn love by what you do for someone else.
b.) You don't deserve to be loved unless you prove it through some trial by fire, over-the-top proving it.
c.) Other people get to have problems and reasons for being screwed up, but it is our 'job' or 'lot in life' (aka our martyr syndrome) to be the voice of reason (i.e., you don't get to be screwed up, others do and this is your mission in life).

I caught myself explaining love on another place here through 'doing things for a person' (in order for them to be happy). Guess it's why I have the need to distance from most people in my life at this point.

Btw, why isn't there a codependency forum available here somewhere? Or is this one supposed to serve as the closest thing to it? Do you have a codependency forum to recommend? Slightly unconventional one, perhaps?

Yea, I don't know re why no separate codependency sub-form Just getting SOF&F here was a big step toward adding a support forum for those in relationships with people who struggle with psychological issues, but this forum is fine too. Especially when it comes to PDs, some are just never going to seek a diagnosis so all others can do is guess.

I do think it's a positive that the OP realizes he is drawn to people with BPD, or similar personalities. That's a big step.

Almost none of us codependent types start off thinking I'm going to be the one that needs therapy, or at least to do some of that soul searching. We mean well, but it also often takes a relationship to go very wrong before we are ready to face 'okay, maybe it's me' or me too.

xdude wrote:Almost none of us codependent types start off thinking I'm going to be the one that needs therapy, or at least to do some of that soul searching. We mean well, but it also often takes a relationship to go very wrong before we are ready to face 'okay, maybe it's me' or me too.

Precisely. Took me a lot of time to get there though, I perfectly understand all the phases and how every single one takes time.
Just struggling to find a forum dealing and focusing purely on codependency (and not on relationship/ people we were dating). It seems people don't talk much about it without relating it to the toxic person they were dating, I think it stretches beyond relationships.

Shenzi wrote:I think it stretches beyond relationships.

This is a good point. I can raise the idea. You are right that our focus so quickly gets diverted to the relationship.