Help, Terrible Situation w/NOS Anxiety diagnosed GF

Hi guys,
I've been here on and off for many years and it's been a great help. I haven't been here for a while, but I have this extremely problematic relationship with a woman I have been seeing for four years.

I'm 38, she's 28. We're a good looking couple, and in a lot of ways are perfect for each other but in some ways we are a terrible match. This relationships has had a tremendously negative impact on my mental health, I feel like I'm always depressed, sad, upset, and angry. There has been cheating involved on both sides, and to discuss all the details would make the most depressing romance story ever told. So to skim over the horrible details, unless some of you might think it would help or be therapeutic for me to get it out, but to make a long story short:

When we first dated, we got to know each other very well and she told me she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A couple years, and many crazy incidents later, she told me no she never had bipolar what she had was "NOS" (Anxiety Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified) which is apparently some kind of anxiety disorder.

I thought she was trying to sugarcoat her condition, and I looked it up and it looked like NOS - Anxiety could have pretty serious effects just like bipolar or BPD. And she has lied to me about so many things over the years (as admittedly, i have to her) that i don’t even know what the truth is.. when she tells me about herself or her shocking stories from her past or even when she had left me i have found she often tells the truth, while also adding in exaggerations and lies to make herself look better, so it can be anyone’s guess as to what kind of mental problems this woman has really been facing. I do know that at times when i have gotten her really angry, she tells me the truth and this has included statements like “i have mental problems” and “my counselor told me i’m crazy!” and I think she may have told me these things during manic phases. She goes through periods of what looks to me like depression and is plagued with anxiety, worry, and panic attacks. I have noticed i am starting to mirror some her mental behaviours.

Anyways guys, it's truly a sad story the way it turned out but deep down I really do love her, in some kind of sick twisted way, and although I question her love for me I'm thinking she must care for me too to have put in so many years as well. But we argue a lot, we both constantly bring up bad situations where we caught each other cheating, and just generally we argue a lot. She has said some of the most gruesome things I think a woman can say to a man who loves her, and in return I too have lost my temper and have basically verbally abused her as well. It's a really terrible situation I wish I was not in, or could get out of, but I would appreciate you guys giving me guidance on what to do and how to handle her and her silent treatments and other basic mistreatment of me.

She is giving me the silent treatment right now, and usually I'm able to find other things to do but today I got tired of penting up my anger and just blew up her phone with phone calls and voicemails, nothing angry just asking her to call me back. She claims she needs time to study for some exams next week, but I just went on skype and there she was active. I sent her a message, and boom she goes straight to "do not disturb."

I really hate myself for acting this way, but I couldn't help it. I actually feel like I hate myself for staying in this relationship, but she's a beautiful young girl who if it wasn't for her promiscuity would be a perfect wife for me. I'm trying hard to "forget about the past" but that's hard when she also brings it up, and in much more subtle and hurtful ways than i do.

Whenever she does one of her "disappearing acts" - she has often refused to see me for a week or even two, making one excuse or another such a bad argument - I'm overcome with dread that she's with another guy. This is such an unhealthy relationship, and I think I was the last one to recognize that. She has counselors, a psychiatrist, has been on lithium before she met me, has been on god knows what since she met me, and to tell you the truth I have no idea what else this woman is doing behind my back as we never lived together and see each other maybe 3 or 4 days out of the week.

I tried leaving her, and she tried leaving me, but we ended up together again and it seems like I'm even more miserable without her - as miserable as I am sometimes with her.

So basically, I'm not asking for advice on how to leave her as I don't think that's an option as I'm unfortunately in some kind of weird, sick form of love with her. I would like to ask advice on how to deal with this woman, I spent so many years blaming myself (as she and her counselor apparently blame me for everything, and that I'm the problem) and my self esteem has suffered. I just need to know how I can react to her little abuses to discourage her from mistreating me and ignoring me. Admittedly I do get angry and raise my voice but if I could go into all the craziness and insanity this woman has done to me, my friends ask me how I can continue to bear the torture.

PS: sometimes i'm just so happy with her, it's unbelievable. But at other times, like now, I'm just so depressed. I have a good job, good education, and exercise regularly. I have so many other issues to deal with in my life, and I'm just tired of constantly being exhausted by this relationship. I've tried being easygoing and letting things go and trying not to bring up the past, but the things she's done to me has angered me so much, as well as her blase reactions to how what she did made me feel, that I feel like I can't stop bringing it up.

Feel like I'm going crazy here, I'm always upset and nervous and feel like I’m starting to get panic attacks. She has all her things at my house, so i know she will probably eventually message me again next week after her “exams” are done. I do all her homework, the only courses she’s passing are the ones where i did her assignments, and she constantly belittles me by saying things like “oh you don’t really help much” bla bla bla and i always have to call her on it by saying things like “the only courses you’re passing are the ones i did for you!” She subtly insults and belittles me constantly over big things and small.

Just so exhausted by being treated like this.. i feel like i’m being used and like she’s intentionally trying to shock and traumatize me for things i did to her in the past..

Please help me on how to deal with her behaviours and mistreatment if me, and what strategies i can use to minimize her specific bad behaviours.

i know you don't want to hear this but i'll say it anyway: get out of this relationship.

honestly, what you've written here is just how i got treated by my ex-girlfriend. the exception being that i never deserved any of it. your situation is complicated a little by the fact that you think you do.

i'll tell you this for sure: she doesn't love you, though she may let you think that she does. she's using you. and all the insulting and belittling behaviour is how she tries to control you. she's being mean towards you because she knows it makes you feel guilty and that'll make you do more for her. that's not love. the more you appease her, the more she'll abuse you, because she's getting exactly what she wants from you that way, and you're reinforcing that behaviour too. stand up for yourself and you won't see her for dust. she'll be gone. she won't stick around when there's nothing in it for her.

and forget about her mental illness too. people can be mentally ill without deliberately inflicting pain on others.

i'll just add that if something feels bad then, in all likelihood, it is bad, and you should stop doing it. our feelings, unlike our thoughts, seldom lie. they're hardcoded and they've evolved over millions of years. they shouldn't ever be ignored.

shock_the_monkey wrote:i know you don't want to hear this but i'll say it anyway: get out of this relationship.

honestly, what you've written here is just how i got treated by my ex-girlfriend. the exception being that i never deserved any of it. your situation is complicated a little by the fact that you think you do.

i'll tell you this for sure: she doesn't love you, though she may let you think that she does. she's using you. and all the insulting and belittling behaviour is how she tries to control you. she's being mean towards you because she knows it makes you feel guilty and that'll make you do more for her. that's not love. the more you appease her, the more she'll abuse you, because she's getting exactly what she wants from you that way, and you're reinforcing that behaviour too. stand up for yourself and you won't see her for dust. she'll be gone. she won't stick around when there's nothing in it for her.

and forget about her mental illness too. people can be mentally ill without deliberately inflicting pain on others.

i'll just add that if something feels bad then, in all likelihood, it is bad, and you should stop doing it. our feelings, unlike our thoughts, seldom lie. they're hardcoded and they've evolved over millions of years. they shouldn't ever be ignored.

Thank you so much for this.

I always felt she didn't love me, but after reading what you wrote now I know she doesn't. I think I need to realize this fact, as it's been staring me right in the face the whole four years and I just refused to believe it.

It's been four days and she's still completely ignoring me. I'm sure her friends and counselors are also telling her the same thing you just told me.. "he doesn't love you or he wouldn't treat you like this and say such abusive things to you."

Deep down, she knows very well I love her. That's why she keeps abusing me the way she does, it's like you said I appease her and try to win her back by rewarding her for her silent treatments and poisonous words. I was just reinforcing her behavior the whole time.

She will contact me again I know it, all her things are at my place and she told me she didn't want to be bothered or stressed until her exam was over. I always get angry at her treatment of me, then when she withdraws and banishes me from her kingdom I go into all-out loneliness and depression mode and I then I start to miss her and by the time she contacts me again we start to treat each other nicely again and make plans to see each other etc.

This is such a nightmare. I don't know if it's me, or her, or just the two of us just creating this explosive angry energy based on bad past treatments of each other, but I don't know what to do.. I don't think this is over quite yet and I've heard that instituting boundaries against people who have NOS - Anxiety/bipolar disorder may help.

Her counselor is helping provide her with strategies to implement boundaries to protect herself.. which may be one of the reasons she goes into total withdrawal and ignoring mode after we have a bad fight.

How can I implement these boundaries for myself as well? I find it so hard to punish her back for her bad behaviors or enforce boundaries, as when things get good again i just want to see her again. Just need my fix.

with my ex-girlfriend, when i'd really had enough, i tried pushing back a bit and telling it how it really was. all she did was to use this against me to justify her claims that i was mistreating her.

all you can really do in this kind of situation is dis-engage, ignore, and not go back for more. eventually, she'll get the message that you're not up for playing 'merry hell' with her ... and if that's what she wants to do, she'll have to find another playmate.

i'll quote myself here ...

shock_the_monkey wrote:don't love anyone who doesn't love you in return - it'll leave a hole in your heart bigger than the grand canyon.

... been there. done that. and i'll never do it again.

shock_the_monkey wrote:with my ex-girlfriend, when i'd really had enough, i tried pushing back a bit and telling it how it really was. all she did was to use this against me to justify her claims that i was mistreating her.

all you can really do in this kind of situation is dis-engage, ignore, and not go back for more. eventually, she'll get the message that you're not up for playing 'merry hell' with her ... and if that's what she wants to do, she'll have to find another playmate.

i'll quote myself here ...

shock_the_monkey wrote:don't love anyone who doesn't love you in return - it'll leave a hole in your heart bigger than the grand canyon.

... been there. done that. and i'll never do it again.

Shock_the_monkey,

Thankfully I have gone cold turkey and am feeling much much better now. As the FOG is starting to lift, and I realize all the crazy things she ever did to me, I am seriously starting to suspect my ex gf was an utter sociopath bent on destroying me any way she could.

Did you also find this to be the case in your relationship? I'm starting to feel a little terrified at the danger I may have been in, for all those four years..

avoidatallcost wrote:Shock_the_monkey,

Thankfully I have gone cold turkey and am feeling much much better now. As the FOG is starting to lift, and I realize all the crazy things she ever did to me, I am seriously starting to suspect my ex gf was an utter sociopath bent on destroying me any way she could.

Did you also find this to be the case in your relationship? I'm starting to feel a little terrified at the danger I may have been in, for all those four years..

... my ex-girlfriend has schizophrenia. sadly, she was completely in denial about her mental health, despite being under compulsory medical supervision. if i ever dared to try to talk to her about it, i got completely shredded. if i ever mentioned anything that was in any way upsetting me, i got completely shredded. it got so bad that i just couldn't talk to her about anything anymore. she never loved me. and she never cared about how deeply she hurt me either. some of the things she came out with about me were utterly callous. and i just can't cope with her anymore. she wrung me dry.

avoidatallcost,

Please consider therapy for yourself, if it's possible in your circumstances. The reason I say this is because after such a difficult relationship, it's hard to find yourself and know what YOU really want.

You've spent four years bending over backwards to keep this relationship going and pleasing this girl friend, so there are some issues of your own to address here. Your feelings and needs are just as valid as hers, and it seems this gf is not acknowledging those. You also should try to address your own cheating in what isn't a balanced relationship.

Shock's advice is very good, in that taking some time away from this relationship will help give you some perspective but also a time to reflect on what you really want in an intimate relationship with a woman. With the woman you envision as being a positive and supportive part of your life.

Hope this helps.