Anxiety loop over dating

Hi all

I'm not really sure whether to post this in an anxiety or relationship forum, but in the end decided to keep it here.

I'm a 39 year-old separated guy, who left his loveless marriage of almost 9 years back in early 2015. I have two sons (aged 7 and 10) who I have shared custody of. Over three years on from the split of my marriage, I still have absolutely no idea what I want out of any future with women, and seem to keep getting burned when I try.

After the marriage ended, I enjoyed a lot of casual encounters with women for the first 7 months of 2015. But I hit the wall. I knew I would, but also knew I needed to get the physical 'blowing out the cobwebs' out of my system. I hit the wall when a young woman I was seeing admitted she was getting attached to me.

Having spent the previous 7 months telling myself I didn't ever want to be in a committed relationship again, this scared me and triggered some really bad anxiety I've never fully come to grips with ever since. Needless to say, she and I never met again, and I dialed back the interactions with women considerably after that.

I tried a few more interactions where everyone was clear from the start that there would be no chance of attachment. But that just led me to feel disgusted in myself, because at times I was having sexual encounters with women I wasn't actually attracted to, or the circumstances felt wrong.

So I'd retreat for a while, usually forced because my anxiety kept my libido very low and was protecting me from giving up my freedom. If I ever came to grips with it, I'd start to feel a sense of hope, so would try again, but the freedom of mind would never last.

Recently, I felt in a much clearer head space over this, so decided to try again. This time, however, we made the conscious decision to get to know each other in a non-physical sense before taking things further. We did, and we seemed to click, but with the impending approach of the first opportunity for us to do something physical, the feeling that has grown within me all week is dread. I'm dreading either feeling terrible afterward, or her getting attached. So I've called a time out. This just feels like deja vu, and I have no idea how I'm going to break this cycle.

The quandary I'm in is that, no matter what I try, it always seems to end up being about pain avoidance rather than pleasure seeking. If I take myself off the market deliberately, I end up feeling flat and anxious at the notion "is this it?". I get anxious, because of the simmering negativity around relationships I usually hold when I'm telling myself it's a good thing I'm single.

If I decide to pursue a casual interaction, I end up scaring myself off before having a chance to figure out if it's any good. While I haven't tried it yet, I know that pursuing a more committed relationship will end in a train wreck, so I'm not even going there.

The unpleasant feelings within me around this have caused a near-constant anxiety since July 2015. Sure, sometimes the anxiety is caused by other things going on in my life, but the consistent one that triggers it is women and relationships.

It's worth mentioning that my marriage was loveless for about 6 of the almost 9 years we were together. My exwife is a sociopath and a pathological liar.

If anyone has any thoughts on resources that might help, I'd really appreciate it.

Gitch

so, what you want is an uncommitted committed relationship. that must be the very definition of dissonance. it's no wonder that your flames keep going out.

we are social animals. we want intimate and lifelong relationships. you can't just flip some switch and turn that off within your being.

i know that you got burnt by your marriage, however, not every woman is going to be like that. stop trying to force things. just let life happen. and, sure enough, you'll met a woman that you connect with.



Eagles - Try And Love Again

When you're out there on your own
Where your memories can find you
Like a circle goes around
You were lost until you found out
What it all comes down to

One by one
The lonely feelings come
Day by day, they slowly fade away

Ooh, the look was in her eyes
You never know what might be found there
She was dancing right in time
And the moves she made so fine
Like the music that surrounds her

Should I stay or go?
I really want to know
Would I loose or win
If I try and love again?

Oh oh oh, gonna try and love again
Oh oh oh, I'm gonna try and love again
Oh oh oh, gonna try and love

Right or wrong, what's done is done
It's only moments that you borrow
But the thoughts will linger on
Of the lady and her song
When the sun comes up tomorrow

Well, it might take years
To see through all these tears
Don't let go
When you find it you will know

Oh oh oh, gonna try and love again
Oh oh oh, gonna try and love again
Oh oh oh, gonna try and love again
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Sometimes lose, sometimes win
Sometimes you need a friend
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Gonna try
Gonna try

Gonna try, gonna try, gonna try, gonna try
Gonna try, gonna try, gonna try, gonna try
Gonna try, gonna try, gonna try, gonna try
Gonna try

Gonna try, gonna try, gonna try, gonna try
Gonna try, gonna try, gonna try, gonna try
Gonna try, gonna try, gonna try, gonna try
Gonna try

Thanks for your reply. I've been thinking a lot about it and this issue over the last 24 hours. I think I am dealing with several issues.

The fundamental one is a straight out fear of being in a relationship. I might tell myself I want xyz, and be okay with that initially, but sooner or later, I will begin to realise I'm potentially on my way toward that, and freak out.

The secondary one is that I'm simply courting women I'm not all that attracted to. The feeling of 'disgust' I get has little to do with them, and is mostly about my fear of ending up in a relationship (bad, in my mind) with them (who I am not attracted to). It's a double blow, but it's mostly about my fear of relationships.

So essentially what I'm dealing with here sounds like a fear of relationships. Here's why.

I'm someone who likes me time. I live alone most the time, other than the weekends when my boys live with me. I enjoy being able to live life with the freedom that that affords. I like being able to go and visit my family and not feel like I have to leave when my partner wants, then later find out she's been bored for the last 3 hours and is now upset with me for not picking up on it. I like not having her drag me along to things she enjoys but I don't. I like not copping an earful about how I'm not trying hard enough with her, even though inside I feel like I'm losing my sense of self slowly but surely.

I like not having recurring dreams about periods in my life when I had more independence than I do now.

I like not being seen like someone's investment property - a great guy with a lot of potential, if only he would change x, y, and z. Most of all, I like not living with a constant nagging feeling that I'm not quite good enough, and that any moment she could explode and tell me how I've been letting her down over the past few weeks.



Have I just been dating the wrong women? That experience I just described sums up both my long term relationships. I realise relationships do take work and don't just fall into place and stay there. But in my experience, it's been an awful lot of work for ever-decreasing levels of satisfaction.

A women I once talked to about this said to me it sounds like I've either been dating the wrong women, or I'm not right for a shared life. That comment hit me because I didn't know which one it was. I still don't.

What you say about being social creatures makes total sense and I'm totally with you. But given everything I've just said, I do still wonder if I am cut out for a shared life... or maybe I've just been dating the wrong women. I wish I knew. What do you think?

gitch wrote:What do you think?

... how will you know until the right woman comes along? and how will the right woman come along if you close yourself off to relationships with women?

this little gem is from a yogi tea teabag (they have a few 'words of wisdom' on the tab attached to the teabag) ...

Love is to live for somebody, love is not to live with somebody.

... in the words of the song that i posted previously ...

When you find it you will know.

Hey gitch,

For whatever it's worth, I think you are fine as-is. Just to use an analogy, and one that may draw some ire, but this reply is for you, not for others -

Go watch some lions at a zoo (many other animals will do as well). The male lions spend a lot of time alone. Nobody thinks they are being tricked by society into behaving that way, nor does anyone say they are missing out on a more intimate relationship. We just say it's their nature.

Similarly, some people are introverts, some extroverts. While some societies highly value the extroverts, that's not universally true, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert (i.e., needing time alone to recharge).

Now that may limit who is attracted to you, and that's okay too, if someone else needs a highly involved partner, all good, but there is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself. You need alone time. This is where you are at.

I'd say just take the pressure off yourself, and see what happens.

All these posts have been massive eye-openers. You're right. We are social animals, and I'm no exception. I also know deep down that I'm not only worthy of that bond with someone, but I actually deserve it.

xdude, your post helped me to put the pieces together. The conclusion I came to is this:

I do want a relationship. I actually can't do casual interactions any more. I want something meaningful and long lasting, but it needs to be with someone I'm attracted to, and is the right personality type for me. To that end, I need to change my approach.

All the negative things I said about relationships I've been in are factors I can control. I get to define the life I lead, the people who I invite into it, and the terms under which I want to engage with them. Traits like I described (women who try to mold me into a 'perfect' partner for themselves, finding out 3 hours later that she hasn't been happy, being repeatedly brought along to activities she enjoys but I don't, being guilted because I didn't spend enough time with her) are not 'relationship' traits. They are personality traits that someone who is simply not right for me might possess. They are perhaps also symptomatic of me just doing the wrong things for her.

It's an important distinction to make, because it's wrong for me to say "If I'm in a relationship, I'm going to have to put up with those things". I only have to put up with them if I date someone who behaves like that. Given both my previous long-term relationships have ended, I think that suggests I've just picked the wrong woman twice. So why am I modelling on that?

Also, I have a responsibility to maintain my sense of personal integrity. I am older and wiser now, and I know the consequences of giving away too much of my sense of self. If I find that being compromised in any way, then I now understand the decision I have to make. I'm not just going to let it happen.

I really liked your introvert vs extrovert analogy. I'm a 'recovering introvert' these days. Naturally, I'm an introvert, but I enjoy a lot of things that typically only extroverts enjoy (public speaking, performing, networking at events etc). It's something I've taught myself, and isn't something I could do all the time, however, and I will never escape the need for alone time and autonomy in my life. My partner needs to be compatible with that.

Good stuff gitch!

Think of it as a step toward a real intimate relationship, one where they get to know the real you, what you really need/want.

You absolutely don't need to lose yourself in a relationship, even though that does attract some people, but they aren't really looking for intimacy where what is important is mutual care. They are looking for a project, a fixer-upper, an extension of themselves.

Or try dating a woman with autism/aspergers? You sound like a perfect match - lots of 'you time', no expectation that you must share their hobbies/interests, no expectation that you can pick up on their expressions/feelings (because we sure as hell can't do that to other people), and 100% loyalty (because getting used to one person is hard enough work let alone two)!

Sorry if that sounds too flippant, but if I was looking for someone then you'd be perfect!

Also... stop dating women you're not attracted to. That sounds nuts. Women do that after they run out of options and are panicking about kids, but I can't understand why a guy would bother if you don't have trouble finding other women. If it's just for sex then it's probably less drama to buy a hooker for the night.