My boyfriend is a pedophile

I apologize for this being a long story although I hope it's understandable due to the serious nature of my dilemma. I'll start with some back story. Also, I am 27 years old and my boyfriend is 24 years old.

I was single from 19 to 22 after being very seriously physically and mentally abused by an ex. It was hard for me to meet someone I trusted afterwards and more than that it was hard for me to fall in love. While feeling pretty lonely after moving back home when I finished college, I met my now boyfriend on an online dating site. I know it's cliche to say this, but I could swear he is my soulmate. At least, that's what I've thought these past 5 years. He has always been such an incredible boyfriend and he treats me like I always wished I could be treated. We both mesh so well together and we spend as much time as we can together. I truly do love him and I don't know what I'd do without him. But now I don't know what to do at all.

Last night he was acting very strange, he was staying over at my place which he usually does but he kept disappearing to his car or to the bathroom for long periods at a time. Now usually I wouldn't be suspicious of him, but he had admitted to me that earlier that week his ex had been contacting him quite a bit and had showed up to his place which he had lied about before. He told me he only didn't say anything because he knew how upset I'd be. I know they didn't do anything because I had shown up only 5 minutes after she left and he had only been home for 10 minutes so she wasn't there long. I trust him not to cheat, but last night I was being paranoid since he kept disappearing with his phone. I figured it was her trying to talk to him and since he had just lied to me days before, I just did something stupid. I snooped through his phone for the first time in 5 years. I told myself I wouldnt be that girl from the beginning but i did it anyways and what I found just makes this whole situation... unbearable. When I opened his phone he had left the web browser open. It was on some porn of "barely legal teens." This didn't bother me at all because I don't mind if he watches porn. I pressed the back button to go to the previous page he was on, though, and I found he had searched for "hot middle schoolers." I pressed back again and found google pictures of little girls in diapers. Now, let me be clear, no pictures were of the children being abused in person, it was more like pictures people post to facebook. None of the younger girls were naked, and there was adult porn in between searches. But I knew why he was looking at them and what he was doing and that just made me absolutely sick I actually threw up. I put his phone back, I didn't know what to do at that point if I should confront him or not. It was 4am and he was sleeping. I just laid down and cried for the rest of the evening trying to figure out what to do. When he woke up for work early this morning, he knew something was wrong, but he was running late so he said we will talk when he gets back.

I know this story is going to disgust some people and maybe they will tell me to go straight to the police or something like that. But I just don't know if maybe he's been through something traumatic that lead to this or what. It's hard to just label him as a monster when I know the rest of him so well. And it's weird because I've seen him around children, and he never acts inappropriately around them in fact he is nice to them but he more or less avoids too much interaction with them at all. If he sees a young cousin or something, he will give a side hug and that's the end of physical interaction. Maybe I'm being stupid, maybe people will tell me that in the comments. But I genuinely need help. I need to figure out what to do about this. If I should tell him I snooped through his phone and saw it; if I should leave him... I just don't know. I'm in so much pain finding this out about the man I've loved for these years, and it's so hard to picture life without him. But I wonder if it will be hard for me to be normal with him from now on. Please help.

Huh. Well you made me Google 'little girls in diapers' out of curiosity...

Hello, and welcome to the forums.

I can see how you'd be upset. That would be a very shaking discovery.

I'm not trying to tell you that he doesn't have a paraphilia, he might- but I'll offer some possible explanations that come up to my mind, in the hope that one of them might fit what you know of him, better.

Oh and despite the avatar, I'm speaking from the viewpoint of a genetic male, so....

First off- and this is opinion on my part- I'm of the belief, that someone can get a sexual fantasy/fetish, without ever considering doing, or even wanting/desiring/needing, to do that thing in real life. I mean, you mentioned the first page of 'barely legal'. Barely legal teen girls, guys, are popular genres... and a lot of people do age play. Acc'd to Wiki, age play doesn't display a predilection to actually engage in pedo/hebe/ephebophilia.

I know it's a reach, but I do think it's possible.

I found it interesting how you spoke of his actions around young people. That brought me in mind of another outside possibility...

I'm the OCD moderator, and I have OCD, myself:



If you look thru that forum, you'll see an awful lot of people worried they're pedophiles. We'll get an idea in our head, something we'd hate and fear being, or doing, and obsess over it. Me, I have a four-decade history of intrusive harm thoughts: to be blunt, if you were my g/f, I would have intrusive, disturbing thoughts that I wanted to kill you. Loved ones and pets, are some of the most common harm themes. These thoughts used to be very frightening, and I would very quietly and invisibly do compulsions to 'make sure that wouldn't happen', such as hiding anything that could be used as a weapon, from myself, with my Snagina having no clue as to what was going thru my mind. Mind you, OCD is OCD, but in that forum you'll see other initials used, and those are just shorthand for common themes- fears of being a pedo, are frequently referred to as POCD....

People with OCD check. We check things. I check heaters, locks. I check for weapons, if I'm having a bout of harm thoughts. POCD fears, people check online. People being afraid of being homosexual will look at same-sex porn, to check. Folks afraid of being pedophiles, will.. hopefully, and usually not, I think, seek out actual child porn, but they will as sure as the sun shines, be surreptitiously looking at 'barely legal' teens or twinks, they'll be looking at photos of children in the age range their obsessional fears have glommed onto, and they'll maybe 'check out' children in real life. Constantly, and I mean, constantly, checking and gauging their reactions, to see if they're sexually aroused. Worse, they'll get something we call 'false attractions', where their body will produce sensations that are misinterpreted as sexual arousal, but can be from the anxiety.

They'll be very nervous in the presence of children and be afraid to touch them, fearing that they're touching them inappropriately, or terrified that whatever touching they're doing, that it's really because deep down, they're a pervert. I've caught myself doing that, myself, with children. I'll be holding them, touching them, patting on them, and the thought will try to push up, telling me I'm doing something wrong, that I'm being a perv, that I have a sexual paraphilia. Fortunately for me, I've always been able to push those thoughts out of my head, fairly easily. One person's terrifying thought, is another's 'not much problem'. But for a lot of people, it's not so easy. Just as my harm thoughts would seem silly, to someone else.

It's my opinion, that we with OCD have trouble confusing thoughts with actual desires and actions. For example, I read that harm thoughts go thru many peoples' heads, and they're immediately ignored/disregarded (and I suspect, quite without even paying them any mind), by Normals. But us? Oh, hell no. If I thought it, I must want to do it! What if I do it? What if I can't control myself? I thought it, I must be a horrible person!!! How can I be sure?? and on.. and on... and on... in a vicious cycle

I'm sorry, I've gotten way more long-winded than I meant to, I didn't mean to lecture off-topic, but I didn't know if you were familiar with anxiety issues like that, or not. I didn't want to just throw out, 'maybe he's OCD'.... without any kind of explanation.

But OCD is OCD- has he shown any tendency to be the anxious sort? Does he obsess over anything noticeable, like I don't know, check locks more than the average bear, that kind of thing?

I know, for a lot of the folks with sexual anxieties, they'll be perfectly fine, then one day they'll get a thought, sometimes random, and then they'll ask, 'Am I a.....?' 'Maybe I'm a.......' and it snowballs with lightning speed, next thing, they're checking, and checking, and doubting, and fearing, and just can't help themselves from doing it.

I'm not trying to talk you out of the obvious assumptions, there's a reason obvious assumptions are obvious, after all- ducks tend to walk and quack like ducks... but I did want to point out two possibilities that might not automatically occur to someone. The first one is just supposition on my part- I've had a quite varied and outrageous fantasy history, the bulk of which, I'd never dream of living out....

...... the second, well, OCD forum is full of people always checking by looking at images, frightened that they're secretly a molester-in-waiting.

After all my chatting, does that affect your ideas of what's going on? I'm hoping it does because something clicks and makes sense- but I'm not trying to offer false hope, either. In a related note, I happen to be bisexual, and from my experience and a lot of other bisexuals, we get in a relationship, thinking that that will change us, or that the desire for whatever it is we're fighting attraction to, will go away... it doesn't. It might fade for a while, but eventually it seems to return with a vengeance. If he does have a genuine paraphilia, it might be that he struggles, with trying to outrun it. But in my experience, sexuality doesn't seem to be something we can easily escape, though we may manage to control it. I'm bi, but I don't practice it, I chose a conventional heterosexual relationship, because that's what I wanted the most. But that doesn't mean, that I don't sometimes I struggle with the other side of my sexuality.

Anyway, I don't know of any of this helps, or makes sense, but I thought I'd throw it out there, disorganised as my thoughts are.

I know I was missing something... what you said about folks urging you to go to the police. Do you have any reason to think he's looked/collected illegal images? Or doing anything to anyone? I'd be very, very reluctant to drag The Law into things, without a clear suspicion that there's something actually illegal. So far, you've mentioned nothing of that. And again, things that could be attributed to something like what I described with POCD sufferers, who could be acting exactly the same as what you've said. Looking at things to check, obsessing over them, and fighting with a constant need to check, and/or reassure themselves that they're not what they fear. Again, I'm not trying to make a case that's what's going on- I'm just saying that there are other things that fit what you have described, and don't add up to a real paraphilia. It would be awful, if the police were dragged into something like that.

In the absence of definitive proof... I think you'll just need to broach the subject, if you really want to know- or at least, hear what he will have to say for himself. Looking thru his phone was a terrible thing, but if you don't confront him, then you'll never have even a chance at closure, will you?

Do you think there's any way you can surreptitiously ask other people who know him, about his past? Without raising suspicions with them. And assuming, you'd get a straight answer.

Have you thought about paying for a background check? A good one, that includes an NCIC search (assuming you're in the US, whatever the equivalent would be, somewhere else, if legal). I mean, that would be my thought, to at first do a surreptitious background check, before I approached him.

Just some more thoughts.

there are some pretty big hitters here that are contra-indicative of him being a paedophile. you're older than him by 3 years and you've known him for 5 years without any reason to be suspicious.

now, what i'm going to say here isn't necessarily everyone's interpretation of paedophilia. paedophiles want to have sexual relations with minors. some resist those desires. others don't. it's the ones that don't that affect other peoples' lives negatively. as such, i don't personally think that curiosity should be a crime. and i'm saying this because paedophilia, from time to time, gets linked with asperger's syndrome. aspies are very child like. so, it shouldn't be too big of a surprise to realise that socially they're drawn to minors. and curiosity can get the better of them, particularly in an on-line world. i personally think that it's wrong to criminalise such curiosity.

now, to the specifics of your situation. first and foremost, you found nothing illegal. second, you're not in a position to judge whether he is a paedophile. you're very much imagining the worst here. third, you really shouldn't have rifled his phone. if i were you, i'd give myself a good slap on the wrist and try to forget about it all, unless something much more compelling happens. trying to broach this with him could open a real can of worms, not least of all why you don't trust him and why you would jumps to such a conclusion about him.

I appreciate everyone's responses here. I know it was wrong of me to go through the phone in the first place and trust me I am very regretful for it. I can definitely understand the side of it being an ODD check. Let me explain a little more about my encounters with my boyfriend if this can at all help you guys in any way to better understand the situation.

My boyfriend has always been questionable about having children, but says he wants to have them with me. Through the 5 years we have dated, I have had a younger cousin who has had a crush on my boyfriend. She is 12 and she is always wanting to be around him, sit on his lap etc. Since that started happening that is when my boyfriend started becoming more distant with her, trying to avoid contact with her and so on. This is because one of the times he was around her he got an erection and I noticed. He noticed that I noticed, and although I didn't say anything to him, he explained to me that it was just one of those random erections. I took his word for it because I know that it happens. Another time, this was more recent, I was holding my newborn baby niece and putting her to sleep when I noticed he had an erection because he was wearing pjs. This time I asked him about it, not in an accusing way but just a curious way. He told me that he just loved seeing me with a baby and it made him feel so much love and convinced him he wanted me to be the mother of his children. This made me so happy and gave me butterflies of course because I genuinely do love this man.

Fast forward to now, and I hope everyone can understand my concern after seeing the pictures due to the fact that there are children in my life that I am very protective of. Still, I genuinely believe he would never do anything to harm a child.

I will say that between the pictures I saw, there were pictures of regular adult pornography, so I don't know if that means anything or can change things. I still haven't asked him anything or confronted him because I don't know if I should and I wouldn't know how to go about doing that. I still can't see life without him in it, though. I want to be able to have a life with him and have children without this being in the back of my mind. If anyone has any other opinions or suggestions please let me know, although what I've read so far has truly helped me for the mean time. I am doing my best not to judge or jump to conclusions which is why I've come here first to get opinions from people who have had similar experiences.

letitlinger92 wrote:Still, I genuinely believe he would never do anything to harm a child.

... this is ALL that really matters here.

erections can be a bit of a nightmare. they happen when you don't want them and they don't when you do. it's all a bit hit and miss. so, i really wouldn't read anything into that.

my guess is that he, himself, is confused and he's trying to figure this out. that's why the webpages alternate from adult porn to minors.

now, you have two choices here. the first is to convince yourself that there's really nothing here and let it go. the second is to confess to him what you did and why it's bothering you. i know what i'd do, however, i'm not you.

What would you do if you don't mind me asking?

I want to be able to put it behind me but I don't want it to always be in the back of my mind and have me thinking things about him that I shouldnt.

as i said ...

shock_the_monkey wrote:if i were you, i'd give myself a good slap on the wrist and try to forget about it all, unless something much more compelling happens. trying to broach this with him could open a real can of worms, not least of all why you don't trust him and why you would jumps to such a conclusion about him.

... however, i have a very firm mentality. once i've made my mind up about something, i don't keep replaying it over and over again in my head. for you, i can well imagine that this mightn't be possible. however, think about it this way: has he ever lied to you or done anything to deliberately hurt you. my guess, from what you say of him, is 'no'. so, why should this be any different.

letitlinger92 wrote:She is 12 and she is always wanting to be around him, sit on his lap etc. Since that started happening that is when my boyfriend started becoming more distant with her, trying to avoid contact with her and so on. This is because one of the times he was around her he got an erection and I noticed. He noticed that I noticed, and although I didn't say anything to him, he explained to me that it was just one of those random erections.

I guess it depends on the meaning of, 'random'. I've had girls half that age, bouncing on my lap, and yeah. You got someone bouncing on your lap, you might get arousal. Been there. Maybe it's just semantics, but to me there's nothing random about it- cause and effect. And it's when I get like, Let's not bounce around, okay sweetie? And that's when I have to slap my brain down, for trying to tell me I'm things I ain't.

And the other... I don't know. We can't truly know what's inside another's head. I would find it odd that someone would get hard simply because you're holding a baby- unless ofc they start thinking about making one with you... I've never been one to get erections easily from just thinking, although I know lots of guys do. But I could see myself liking the notion of you pregnant with our child, if I were him, and that would be arousing.... and for some guys, that's going to equal an erection.

Yeah, there's no way of knowing. All this can be explained away, plausibly. I could totally see myself, if I didn't have more of a handle on my brain, in that one area (I actually think that for some things, my brain just has a fail-safe and goes, Nope! Not going there!) being in his shoes, and worrying and obsessively checking. Lots of folks in OCD forum, do just that. And some of us keep our darkest worries very close to our breast.

It's going to, well, it was always going to, but I think definitely it will come down to do you trust him, or not? And how much you want to reveal that you know what he's looked at on his phone, and if you'll trust what he comes up with as an explanation. Shock told you what he'd do. Me, I don't know. I simply don't really know, but then, I obsess...

So I guess I'm going to post a somewhat different opinion than the majority here. I think you need to go with a trust but verify approach given what you have seen and given that you are in a long term relationship with this guy.

The type of material you are talking about is not available on the open internet so if he had web pages open of such images I would be very surprised. You need to get his phone back and search for all .jpg and .png images. You should do the same on his computer. I hope you don't find anything but if you do you need to stop at the first image you are at least 98% sure about and write down the filename. Do not delete the image, do not copy the image, and do not continue to look through his phone/computer. At this point you will need to contact the police. If you are in the USA they will most likely do their best to copy his phone or computer hard drive without your bf ever knowing. If you turn out to be wrong your bf will never have to know and you can stop worrying. If your are right its sad for all involved.

So the question now becomes can you do this, live with what you did forever, and never say anything to your bf? I could and I would be okay with it but everyone is different.
-S