Getting over an ex

Ok, this is a long one that I'm going to try to cram into as few words as possible.

First, background info. I'm a 22 year old caucasion male, I have a partial college education, have a part time job, live with two roommates, have a supportive family, have some money, a car, not on any meds, emotionally stable, photographer by hobby, not ugly. Wasn't very social in high school, had almost no friends from about age 16 to 21. Except for one, who later became my first and only relationship.

I first met her in high school, in 2002. I was a senior (17), she was a freshman (14-15). We talked every day for a semester, then went separate ways because of scheduling. Lost contact with her until last year, when I messaged her on MySpace, and we both discovered we had feelings for eachother in high school. We got together and started dating last summer. This was my first relationship, and I also lost my virginity to her. I found her really attractive, she's my type in terms of personality too. So she was pretty much all I could ask for, and she seemed to adore me too. We were together for about 2 1/2, almost 3 months, but it felt like a lot longer. We spent a lot of time together.

Last July, I decided to reveal my pedophilia issue to her. I've written about this in the Paraphilia forum, but in brief; it was a minor case for me--no more than thoughts and the very occasional viewing of material online. But nonetheless I felt she should know. The next time we were together to talk, she revealed to me that she had cheated on me a couple weeks prior to that. So between my revealing of my pedophilia, and her revealing of her cheating, there was a big fallout, emotional breakdowns by both of us, and eventually a mutual decision to end the relationship. But surprisingly, we did it mostly on good terms, and decided to still remain friends.

The friends thing didn't last long, mostly because we were both still hurt. So after a couple months we lost touch. I later found out she was in a new relationship, that lasted until this last April or so. Then she broke up with him, and around this time I got back in contact with her. I found out he was a drug addict, alcoholic, emotionally abusive, had gotten her pregnant (she miscarried), had convinced her to get married and move to Texas with him, and she sold pot for him. Pretty much a bad relationship in just about every sense of the word. But like I said, she broke up with him. At this point, I wanted to try to be friends again, and start hanging out a little.

Then about a week after that, I found out she was already in a new relationship to a guy she had been friends with. And then about a month after that, I found out he proposed to her, she accepted, and that they're getting married next summer. And now I have reason to believe she might be pregnant again too, although I don't have official confirmation of that. Also, just for the record, she had been pregnant twice before she was with me as well--both miscarries--and has an extensive history of abusive and/or failed relationships. She has a broken family and history of pretty bad sexual abuse as a child, and she has emotional issues.

So what I'm getting at is, why do I care? Why was I so crushed that one week after one bad relationship, she was already in another? Why did I want it to be me? Why was I even more crushed when I found out she's engaged now? I'm going insane watching her throw her life away. With everything she's done wrong in her life, she really is a special girl. I've tried telling her this, and I've told her how I feel about everything, but I can't tell her what to do. Why can't I get over her? Why, after almost a year, and after seeing how many mistakes she makes and how much drama she's creating in her life, am I still so attached? Why do I still let it hurt me so much? And what do I do? Just keep trying to sit through it and hope my feelings eventually fade, or try to save her from herself, or get back with her? Just looking for thoughts, opinions, advice, conciliation, anything.

Also, just because I know it's a sensitive issue, and I don't want it to detract from this topic, I have since gotten extensive counseling by my own accord for my pedophilia issue, and have overcome it.

Are you me? (minus the pedophilia)

The answer to your question is simple. You love her.

As to why you still love her, well, I'd guess it's because she is your first love (and sexual partner). I've only had one relationship that I considered serious and it lasted about a year and a half. It has been about a year since the break up and I don't love her any less than I did then. It makes absolutely no sense to me either.

Honestly, I don't think the feeling will go away until you fall in love again. The only thing you can do is train yourself not to think about her. If you catch yourself thinking about her, do everything you can to distract yourself. Every time you spend time thinking about her you will fall into a depression. No exceptions. This is what you are trying to avoid

Yep, I've already acknowledged that I was in love with her, and probably still am. And I've even told her that. I still think about her every day, literally can't get her out of my head. I've stayed entirely rational about all of it, but the more I read or hear about what she's doing in her life and in her relationships, it gets harder and harder to bear. And you're right about the depression thing. You're also probably right about needing to fall in love again to get over it. I've had another on-going sexual partner since we broke up, and have a female friend who I'm fairly interested in, but no love and no serious relationships.

Don't talk to her. Don't look at her myspace. Never let yourself get past anything other than the general concept of her. When she comes into your mind, push her out. It's the only way it will be tolerable. This is what I do and it's very effective. It's not fool proof, but nothing is.

Dear friend;

Scorn is absolutely right, you must try to keep her away from your mind. I know what you are thinking: "It is not easy. How do I do it? Well, it is not that difficult if you know how. The answer is: "Thought Stopping Techniques". Let me tell about them. I learned to use them many years ago (I am a bit older than you. I wished I had learned about them at your age) and they have changed my life. There is a book, if you are interested, that describe them well. Here is its website:

http://www.poseidonbooks.com/what_do_I_want.htm

All these techiques are really common sense, but you would be surprise how our common sense fail us when we need it.
Please allow me to say that you have a great asset, you are young (and quite smart from what I gather), and it would be great if you learned the proper way to look at things in lifem how to keep your mind on what is beneficial, and how to be efficient at getting what you want.

Please let me know how you went with the book.

Counselor

As far as I've been able to tell, there's no way to make yourself get over it. In fact, the more I've tried to get over a past relationship the more is usually bothers me. Sadly, I think it will just take time. Love is one of those things that doesn't really let you have any say in it. Despite all the reasons why you shouldn't still be interested in someone your feelings often don't care. I know how you feel, and I hope it's over as quickly as possible.

It does take time, but you can get over her. I hear everyone saying "don't think about her," etc. - but honestly, if you want to get over it as quickly as possible, thinking about it and working through it is your best bet. Cry about it whenever you need to, listen to sad music that will make you cry and think about what you've lost --- but only if you are the type of person that can become stronger as a result. If you can't, then well, I'd go with the whole pretending she doesn't exist. You can have some solace in knowing that she seems to be a bad-decision making machine and you were probably 10x better than any guy she's been with since. Don't let it crush you, just grow from it.

I don't know about the pedophilia stuff, I hope you've gotten some help for that. I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell her that, especially only after a couple of months and despite the fact that it was only thoughts and stuff. But she was cheating on you anyway, so it's all by the wayside anyhow. But do know that humans are sick puppies for the most part - we've all had thoughts from time to time that we're not proud of - and keep to ourselves - but that's no crime unless you act on it or feel as though you can't control it; which i'm sure was your situation. If you feared yourself and what you are capable of, that will ultimately reappear at some point down the line if you don't get help. So get help.

bradley

I did get help for those reasons. And thanks for your post and input, it resonated with me the most in this thread.

I have an update on this for anybody who cares. About a week ago she broke up with the guy she was getting married to, and told me I was a good part of the reason she decided to. Not that I made any conscious effort to break them up, but her and I had been talking on the phone, and we've both realized we have stronger feelings for eachother than we do for anybody else. We've started hanging out again now as of this last Thursday, and even though I'm trying to keep it as just friends for awhile, it's pretty much a sure thing we're getting back together in the near future. Part of me is trying to be cautious, but I think we both know there's something special between us. So guess I didn't need to get over her. Thanks again to all here for the advice though.

Wow awesome man, congrats! Keep us posted!

bradley