On and Off relationship

Hi all, this is my first post here. Thank you in advance for your patience and your time.

I am in an on and off relationship with a woman my age (now both 28) for the past 3 years. If each relationship has one problem, she has the one of detachment. Every argument is folowed by her emotional detachment and a break up. Talking is never giving any solution. She becomes stubborn and walks away.

Long story short, I met her during my national service and stayed together for 5 months, before breaking up, due to an unimportant argument. She was out of a two-year relationship back then and she claimed to need time on her own.

Months later she was back. For 3 more months. Then we had an argument due to her jealousy and she walked away.

Two months later, she was back and it was a great experience. Close relationship, meeting very often, sleeping together for many days in a row etc.

Then I left to study for three months abroad. First month was great, she was missing me etc. Second month- she got jealous cause of some facebook likes etc and she got distant. For a month she was distant.

Now I am back, I saw her twice. It takes time to get back together. She is not that warm and obviously I am out of her everyday life. Her hobbies and friends are a priority, something normal since I've been absent for a relatively long time.

But this on and off has made me tired and insecure. My mood is affected by her actions. I have doubts if it worths it. But when we're together it's magical, our communication is great. And it's been three years.

Anyone been in the same situation? Any comments/advice?

Thaks for one more time.

I think you deserve someone who won't detach completely from you for periods of time. It sounds like she isn't ready to be properly committed to a relationship with you. Instead she is putting her own feelings first by separating from you. If she can't work through that to give you the commitment that you deserve, then you deserve to instead use your time to pursue someone who will be able to commit to you without periods of detachment.

There are other people out there. Ones who will treat you better by not detaching. Ultimately, if a couple breaks up once, then it is bound to happen again unless you do something radically different to change current patterns such as therapy. Take the warning signs that this won't work out and work out what you want to do about it. Good luck!

salted lipstick wrote:I think you deserve someone who won't detach completely from you for periods of time. It sounds like she isn't ready to be properly committed to a relationship with you. Instead she is putting her own feelings first by separating from you. If she can't work through that to give you the commitment that you deserve, then you deserve to instead use your time to pursue someone who will be able to commit to you without periods of detachment.

There are other people out there. Ones who will treat you better by not detaching. Ultimately, if a couple breaks up once, then it is bound to happen again unless you do something radically different to change current patterns such as therapy. Take the warning signs that this won't work out and work out what you want to do about it. Good luck!

Thank you very much for your reply, I really appreciate your time!

I wouldn't say she distances herself from me completely (only when there is a break up). The fact that it's almost 2,5 years and we keep getting back to each other (actually she is the one to get in contact) makes me more skeptical when it comes to finishing it of from my side.

Could this detachment be due to pathology?

It could be due to pathology. But ultimately everyone has some issues in relationships regardless. It's more about finding what you can work through with someone together.

I'm inclined to think that given it's been such a long amount of time that these issues have been going on in your relationship should probably indicate that it's unlikely to get better. If she had wanted to resolve the reasons that she distances herself from you, she probably already would have done it in that time frame. It can be a hard decision to break up with someone permanently.

It seems like it will go one of two ways, you will either break up with her, or you will stay with her forever (though without her addressing her detachment, this will likely continue for the relationship). How do you feel about both of these options currently?

salted lipstick wrote:It could be due to pathology. But ultimately everyone has some issues in relationships regardless. It's more about finding what you can work through with someone together.

I'm inclined to think that given it's been such a long amount of time that these issues have been going on in your relationship should probably indicate that it's unlikely to get better. If she had wanted to resolve the reasons that she distances herself from you, she probably already would have done it in that time frame. It can be a hard decision to break up with someone permanently.

It seems like it will go one of two ways, you will either break up with her, or you will stay with her forever (though without her addressing her detachment, this will likely continue for the relationship). How do you feel about both of these options currently?

Thank you again for your answer! I need the option that keeps me sane. I just cannot cut her out, I know that she is behaving through "cycles". I mean, I am conscious of what is happening, the thing is that I get disappointed every time- it's stressful. I feel that she is the one though. First and only time I've ever felt it.

It sounds stressful for you.

Why do you feel she is the one? Sometimes it's easy to get caught up idealising the other person, or feeling that there will be no-one else out there that lives up to the same standard. There may be no-one exactly the same but they would have other positive qualities and may have the added benefit of not going through these cycles that are stressing you out. But it seems you think she is the one. What is it about her and the way you are together that makes you think that she is the best fit for you?

dpan wrote:I just cannot cut her out,

You feel there is something important in your relationship with her that would make it difficult for you to cut her out. What is this?

salted lipstick wrote:It sounds stressful for you.

Why do you feel she is the one? Sometimes it's easy to get caught up idealising the other person, or feeling that there will be no-one else out there that lives up to the same standard. There may be no-one exactly the same but they would have other positive qualities and may have the added benefit of not going through these cycles that are stressing you out. But it seems you think she is the one. What is it about her and the way you are together that makes you think that she is the best fit for you?

dpan wrote:I just cannot cut her out,

You feel there is something important in your relationship with her that would make it difficult for you to cut her out. What is this?

Our relationship is full of passion and strong feelings. And I never get bored with her.

I don't want to cut her because if I do so, I will have no turning back option and I dislike changes. When I make something in my head, I need to stick with it.

dpan wrote:Our relationship is full of passion and strong feelings. And I never get bored with her.

If you were with her for the next 20 years you may not feel like that though. Eventually you will get to know her better and while you should continue to feel interested in getting to know her (people change as years go on, so there is always more to learn about someone and grow together), rarely does passion and strong feelings continue unabated for many years. There will be ebbs and flows. The thing that sustains during those times of low passion and feelings is really an ability to communicate and work through the disconnection that comes from those times.

dpan wrote:I don't want to cut her because if I do so, I will have no turning back option

Realistically, she's turned back a number of times. It sounds like the kind of thing you could work through if you changed your mind, she was open to changing things back again all the other times. If you decided to end it and thought you'd made a mistake, it sounds like she is already ok with going back together after a break up so it's maybe not all that final unless you decide to commit to it.

dpan wrote:I dislike changes. When I make something in my head, I need to stick with it.

This might be part of why you are happy to stick with a situation that's making you stressed. You have committed to it and are struggling to decide to change because you will feel fully committed to what you decide and any consequences that brings.

salted lipstick wrote:

dpan wrote:Our relationship is full of passion and strong feelings. And I never get bored with her.

If you were with her for the next 20 years you may not feel like that though. Eventually you will get to know her better and while you should continue to feel interested in getting to know her (people change as years go on, so there is always more to learn about someone and grow together), rarely does passion and strong feelings continue unabated for many years. There will be ebbs and flows. The thing that sustains during those times of low passion and feelings is really an ability to communicate and work through the disconnection that comes from those times.

dpan wrote:I don't want to cut her because if I do so, I will have no turning back option

Realistically, she's turned back a number of times. It sounds like the kind of thing you could work through if you changed your mind, she was open to changing things back again all the other times. If you decided to end it and thought you'd made a mistake, it sounds like she is already ok with going back together after a break up so it's maybe not all that final unless you decide to commit to it.

dpan wrote:I dislike changes. When I make something in my head, I need to stick with it.

This might be part of why you are happy to stick with a situation that's making you stressed. You have committed to it and are struggling to decide to change because you will feel fully committed to what you decide and any consequences that brings.

Yes, you are right, and thanks for that! Now I'm conscious of what is going on and if we break up, it will be the last time

All the best for making whatever decision you feel is right for you.

Maybe you can post an update eventually, saying how things are going with whatever you've decided?