JEALOUS - do I have a right or am I overreacting - please he

Hi everybody

I would really appreciate your opinions and views on something that is going to ruin my relationship if I don't get a grip on it.

I have been with my partner for over 4 years and he is a truly wonderful man - the best I have ever met. He has supported me and helped me through so much and has been more kind to me than anybody ever in my life.

However, we don't live together for reasons I don't really want to go into on here. This is absolutely fine, but for one thing - he has a female friend who phones him most days between 4 and 6pm. I am extremely jealous of this girl and I cannot control how upset I get at this time of day when I know they are speaking. He met her 6 years ago when he was going through a very tough time and she was there for him. They had sex once around that time. For the last 6 years they have lived at opposite ends of the country and haven't met up at all. She is in a long term relationship and due to get married soon, although I hear the relationship is strained.

I am so jealous of this girl and I get eaten up with anxiety and upset when I know they are speaking, as they have at the same time each day for the past 6 years. In my head they are talking about when they had sex, or each other's bodies, or having phone sex, or sending each other pictures. My partner says she prefers to talk about herself so he doesn't really tell her much about his life which makes me fear she will think he is available should she want to meet him for sex again.

My partner has done all he can to reassure me its just friendship and I have spoken to him about how jealous I get but the phone calls still continue. I worry I have no right to bring it up again and fear it could cause problems in our relationship.

Basically I wanted some thoughts from you guys. Am I being a completely controlling jealous bitch or do I have reason to be worried, do you think? I can't talk to anybody about this in real life because I fear they will automatically assume he is a git when he has been absolutely amazing for me. I just wish I could come to terms with his female friend who he had sex with once and speaks to for at least an hour virtually every day.

Please help. Thank you.

They literally talk every single day from 4-6pm? That's unusual. Knowing exactly why they talk at that time of the day each time might tell you a thing or two about its importance. Is it while she's returning from work or taking some kind of break?

I'd say she probably needs somewhere (or someone) to vent about her everyday problems, and since people are creatures of habits, it probably became a part of her everyday rituals.

If your boyfriends wants to cheat, he'll cheat whether over the phone or behind the corner of your building, it's useless to worry about it. You getting annoyed without proof will only push him away from you and make this over-the-phone girl seem more interesting and understanding.

Let it go and enjoy the relationship.

Hey angel....

Jealously is a sign of insecurity with ourselves. We have something (or deeply desire something) and fear losing it, because somewhere inside is the feeling that we are not good enough, or special enough, or pretty enough, or whatever enough. So, external things can be filtered through this lens, and we tell ourselves a story that is just not true. That he is doing x,y,or z. And therefore, we feel threatened and our emotional reaction is one of jealously.

It is also a fact that even when we are love with someone, or even married to someone, we do not own that person. We do not possess them, we share them.That person had a life before us, will have a life after us if they or we break up, or will have a life outside of us even if they are with us. We must accept and allow those people we love to share themselves with others. You have friends too, I am sure. And maybe a guy friend or two.

He has people in his life, and women, that he likes for a variety of reasons. You have guys in your life I am sure, that you like as well. But, he has chosen you over anyone else. He has been with you for 4 years, I think that is a very good indication of his intent. He may like other women, but he "loves" you.

You have already suggested that extreme and constant jealousy is a relationship killer. Because it leads one to want to control another's behavior to feel safe emotionally. But if you do this, you will push him away.

What to do? First make sure your own self-esteem is up to par. If you have issues here, find ways to work on them. Also, it is ok in my view, to let someone know this is a sensitive issue for you and that at times you may feel uncomfortable with this. But do not force him to make a choice, that will not lead to anything good.

Finally you have heard him reassure you that nothing is going on. Jealousy and lack of trust go hand in hand. Perhaps you have been hurt before and find trusting hard. But you are going to have to make a leap of faith and believe him. If you push for constant reassurance, that will eventually tire him out.

To summarize, your jealousy is about your relationship with yourself, not another. Of course, there are people who will try to provoke jealousy in a person deliberately in an attempt to manipulate them. You would notice that however, and I do not think this is the case here.

When you say there are people who try to provoke jealousy in a person in attempt to manipulate them, I agree with this- and if someone manipulates you it's not about your relationship with yourself. What you've said about jealousy being about your relationship with yourself sounds too polished. It's not always that black and white.

Being angry/hurt/upset with what's going on around you I think, it's empowering to take the perspective where you acknowledge how you can change- how it effects you- taking responsibility for as much of that as you can.. but no one's perfect.

You can't always take the blame for everything- sometimes things just go wrong and you're on the receiving end of some crap you don't deserve and it's not even a self awareness thing.

No matter how much self awareness you have they won't always just go away/leave you alone/whatever. They are just something you have to deal with. But they're not always significant others either- in those types of relationships there are enmeshment issues- of course you get attached, you can't help it.

The nature of those subjective relationships- having to work on yourself at the same time, that's pretty challenging. To be able to step out of the relationship at the same time and address whatever is making you feel unsettled in it or insecure or whatever. I don't know how people do it.

Are you mistaking jealousy for insecurity I wonder? Because yeah- it can definitely be provoked and used as a weapon- where people are so smart they know how to turn you into a lunatic- and make a lunatic out of you- and make it look like they did nothing wrong- when really they are adept at manipulating others.

This is off topic- sorry. I just wanted to mention a few things- I thought of it as I read your reply. To the poster above. I think the responses in this thread are great, and I don't think I have much advice for you other than the fact that I just think always getting a so called jealous person to fix themselves isn't always the problem- or the issue? I don't know.