My Best Wasn't Enough (Quite a long read)

you read it right. I did all I can but it wasn't enough.

Before you say that it's my ex partner's fault for not being appreciative, let me tell you why a huge part of this is my fault.

1. Lack of self-control.
As someone who is diagnosed with ADHD and BPD, plus showing tendencies of Social Phobia, you can already tell that I'm not easy to manage. I told him that, but he replied to me "trust me, you are not that difficult, and I will do all I can to help you". My partner sort of became my outlet. Tell you what, I guess he didn't expect it to be this difficult. I was either very very hyper or very volatile in emotions. It's hard to deal with as myself, what more for him right?

I tried my best to control myself; I really did. Despite the heavy weights of family issues, social issues, college loads, and self issues, I let him in my life and did my all to take care of him. It's so difficult to deal with everything. My anxiety made him feel restrained from doing certain things. My constant mood swings drove him crazy. It's insane.

2. Low self-worth.
Due to a bad past, I have a crushed self-esteem. It did affect him in a way - if not totally. There would be instances wherein I would feel so worthless and so sad that I made him upset. I had my suicidal tendencies here and there. I had my extremely anxious moments wherein I would cling so much to him because everyone leaves me. Like I said, he sort of became my outlet. He got tired of dealing with my negativity, and I understand that I'm not someone who is worth to be given everything.

3. Physical separation.
Yes. We used to study in the same college, but due to personal matters, we had to study in different colleges. It took a huge toll on us, because we were so used to spending everyday together in school. The distance distorted our states, and caused frequent arguments. Again, my anxiety made things worse. When he told me stories of ladies trying to flirt with him, I would go apesh*t. Add to the issue my crushed esteem, then we have ourselves an argument. Even if I trusted him, a devil in my head would always scream "he is going to replace you with someone who can also be physically with him all the time.

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I assessed everything that had happened between me and my partner, and it made me realized how sh*tty I am as a partner. I would come to therapies and all, but will stop altogether after a short period because I feel like it's not really helping me. Until this very moment, I feel hatred towards myself and I feel so upset that I never do enough to keep people in my life.

Hey Rhenna,

First, this post was very brave. It's actually rare to see a post like this. Most posts are focused on what the other person did wrong, and you've taken responsibility for your part, maybe too much responsibility, but it says a lot about you.

You know that self-esteem issues are real, and that doesn't make you weaker, it actually can make you stronger. What do you need to feel good?

Oh, and by the way, if my ex was even a fraction as insightful as you are, we'd still be together. I think you have much more strength than you are giving yourself credit for.

Thank you for saying those things to me. To be honest, I don't really know what can make me feel good at the moment; I'm still on that depressive state after the breakup - even if it doesn't look like it. And like I said, up to this point I feel mad at myself for not doing enough because I really love my ex. I probably sound exaggerated, but it's been tougher without him.