Girlfriend has HPD

My girlfriend has Histrionic Personality Disorder. I've been with her for over a year now, and it has had its ups and downs. Some wonderful moments, but much more frustration and downright awfulness at times. She told me early on that she knew this was her main disorder, and I have seen proof that she was diagnosed with HPD and bipolar. She can be very manic and also incredibly depressed especially when something (big, small, doesn't matter) goes wrong. The length of the depression is proportional to the actual legitimacy of the issue, but the intensity is the same.

But mostly it is the HPD symptoms that she fits almost completely. She can seem distant but that's the least of it. I see some posts referring to cheating or feeling distance or lack of interest. While she does get bored very easily, or sometimes doesn't stay in tune with me (not much texting while apart, going off to do something else when we are out) she is faithful to me and loves me only. Many of her personality traits would lead one to believe otherwise, but that's just not the case with her. As I said it's been over a year, and while she talks and meets many different people regularly I've seen no evidence that she is unfaithful and only felt her deep love for me. I think this is one of main areas where she diverges on HPD, as she flirts (with girls, I'm fine with that), and used to flirt with guys (at the beginning of the relationship), she doesn't go any further and makes it clear to men who make a move that she has a boyfriend; she shuts them down.

The love, the sex, the loyalty, her intelligence, and her absolute stunning beauty are her best qualities, and hence I love her back.

But the rest of her, the rest of the relationship, is mostly unbearable. I don't know how I lasted this long (yes I do, I'm in love and so is she. I am aware of how HPD affects the intensity of her feelings for me, but I don't dwell on it).

She gets upset, she cries, she screams and yells. Sometimes I stay calm, sometimes I don't; we fight. Even that is something I can deal with, and for a time, I was getting better at handling such episodes calmly. But it's the blame. I can't take the blame. More often than not, she blames either me or her mom - the two people closest to her (naturally) for anything that goes wrong. And things go wrong all the time because she is awful at time management and is always late or rescheduling meetings (therapy, psych, several different social programs, etc) and this in turn makes her panic more. And yes basically when she gets upset over something small, and/or blames me, or whatever - she has a panic attack. That's when the blame hits, and I don't know how to handle that. Somehow it's my fault, or she will tell me that I've made it so much worse.

She is very aware of her mental issues and tells me about them, told me to look it all up, which I did at the beginning of the relationship. We tried a relationship counselor, that helped a little, but there are so many things wrong about this relationship, and so many things that she does wrong in life and with us, that I'm trying to separate. We've talked about it, we both know it's coming, but we're not there yet.

Currently there is some instability in her life which should be resolved soon (living situation basically, nothing too crazy to handle for most people) and she is also trying to fine tune medications with her psych, so perhaps things can get a little better in the near future. But when those things are stable (it was for a couple months earlier this year), I still have to deal with a lot of laziness, and her desire to go off on random adventures sometimes with guys - platonic and sometimes they are cool about it, sometimes they have ulterior motives (almost all do) and she half uses that for friendship and half ignores it unless it's blatant and then she shuts them down. Still would make me jealous. But that's my issue and I can handle it better now because I've seen it happen from many different angles after all this time and ultimately I'm the object of her desire, and I do trust her.

However when we are out together, she might go off with other people, sometimes strangers, for a while, and that is not cool with me. When she's on her own, it's fine (to a point, concerns for safety etc). But when we are somewhere together, I have felt neglected in those situations. I know what it's like to have a girlfriend, I've had quite a few by now, and it's healthy to separate in various ways from time to time, but this isn't that. Still, she does come back to me.

That's a drag, but the main problems I have are how she blames and attacks me (in addition to possibly wailing/crying/screaming for way too long), and how lazy she is. Of course going anywhere with her (grocery store, restaurant, bar, etc) there's the possibility of her being overwhelming with talking, interrupting, being theatrical, etc. That has toned down since when we first met (mostly due to meds, and also more comfort with the people I know and the places we frequent). There's much more to this story. I'm actually just sticking to the things that bother me the most, at least most recently.

Why am I here? I don't know except perhaps I needed to write this down. Maybe there's some helpful advice. Thanks for reading.

Hey Forte...

Forte42 wrote:Why am I here? I don't know except perhaps I needed to write this down. Maybe there's some helpful advice. Thanks for reading.

Well, advice would depend on what you think can happen, or hope can happen or even what you will try to make happen. And it depends on what you deeply desire and see as your own core needs.

HPD is very complex. Trying to understand her, and what makes her act a certain way, or what her triggers might be, or how can I show her I really care so she will not blame or attack me, is going to leave you very frustrated in the end. The way she perceives herself, others, the world and environment around her, will be complicated by her disorder.

This is what a disorder basically is. It creates a mal-adaptive response to reality and/or distorts that reality to confirm to a mental map, or core belief system, that is firmly entrenched. All of her behavior that you witness, is ego syntonic. Which means all of her behavior, values, and feelings are in harmony with the goals and needs of the ego.

If her ego tells her that she needs to be dramatic or outrageous or sexy to receive attention, she will do that. If she feels attention is a form of love, acceptance or approval, she will continue doing that. If she feels that anyone who finds fault with that or gets hurt or angry because of it, is a wrong or hurtful or even a bad person, she will treat you as such. And this is something you can not control or fix, or change by simply trying harder etc.

This is who she is. If she has HPD, only therapy can really help her. So, for you what can you accept? Can you allow her to be herself (this is her right now) or will you find yourself consistently disappointed or hurt by her behavior? See, in the end it is about what you need/want out of relationship, deciding if she can meet that without trying to change her or find fault with her, and then making the appropriate decision based on your own answers.