Outing A BPD or not?

Update:

Well.. the story keeps going.
I manage to keep my mind free of thinking about her. It comes and goes now. The pain is healing.
But I keep hearing about the relation. At work, and in my home town. (he lived here, and his ex still does) The new 'couple' lives in the city next to mine. As much as I try not to hear stuff..I still do.

This kinda sets me back. A day... 2 days, couple of hours depending on the stuff I hear.
At work I isolate myself from her as much as I can. Wear my mp3 lots of times when we work together.
I know from friends now, that this dude is A racist. Putting lots of crap on fb.
After work i saw my cousin, I told her I no longer help her in her house. She has a new boyfriend.
He left his wife and kids.. So my cousin asked who he was. She knows him.. OMG!!! Is that girl with this dude? And she is colored??? WTF?? And again the story of my cousin telling the same stuff.. he is a racist.

At work yesterday, the girl was talking again... her dog does not like the kids, he bit one of them. (very light).. OK then... My boyfriend is banned for life at the soccer stadium. Hooligan. Well.... co workers and me just looked at each other...
I started to boil a little. So today.. we got the same shift again. (almost never happens)
I snapped. I was alone with her, I started yelling Not that loud, but loud enough.) I asked why the hell Is she staying with a racist? "I don't care." I am happy now." I told her people are laughing at you! "I don't care" I asked if she knows what she is doing? If she knows she hurt me a lot? Do you even know what damage you can do to people?
I told her to look up non bpd recovery info. So she can see for herself. Then she started the same stuff like she did months ago. "I can't talk about this stuff." "I told you before" "I feel good now, nothing is going to break us up now" "I don't care that he is a fascist" " I got to know him in the last 6 months"
I asked what if your cycle turns (devaluation)? "My cycle is good now, I feel good" (evaluation) "I only want to talk about it with the shrink" I was happy to hear she is still keeping up with therapy. I told her this conversation has nothing to do with me wanting a relationship with her, I know this will never happen. I said to look for a good guy, and tell him. Work together. I still care for your well-being. Not the love part, but just her health. "I know, I just want to be friends" I see you walking aroud" I know you don't feel good" "I don't know what to do about that.." "You have a golden heart and you want to help me, you did so much for me" I said to think... HE IS A RACIST.
Kinda stunned.. but still fired up... I left the car end went on with the job.

At the end of the shift, I showed my tattoo (semicolon) I told her this is for you, me, my dad, my family...
look it up! I said, remember what you promised me... (don't stop therapy) "i won't"
Went home.

So in conclusion, I Did not do that well today! It kinda pulled a weight of my shoulders by telling her all that. But I should not have done that. I felt this building up for 4 months now. I know she is thinking a lot now. I know I hurt her. I was stupid.. In the end I want her to be happy. Get stable, and have a good life. If I would have a part in it... Can not tell yet. Best not.. but.. will see.

As for me,
I hope all this talk will not set me back a lot. I know this will take a little time to get back on track.
But all in all, I knew from day one this guy is an ass. Now after all this time, and info. I was very right about it. She is just doing what I was thinking she was going to do. Just make it work, keep him in the dark.. and see what happens. She is fully focused on herself. What she wants. So we don't need to make a drawing out of it. We all know what will happen. Tick tick tick....

To end this day,
I started to go out more. Going to parties, In disco outfit would never do this a year ago! Yaay for me!! Picked up on my photography again.. just make the best out of it. Still doing therapy. Slowly..WE WILL RISE!

Not seeing her would be a major step forward.. but I like my job. So I'm taking the hard road. Hope it makes me stronger in the end.

THX GUYS

Regards

Little update.

She has left the job! This is very very good for me.
Now I can go full NC. Mixed feelings without a doubt. I go from anger to missing her.
I was home for a week, and she left. No message no goodbye...nothing. Good thing i was at home, so i did not have to see all the goodbye's and loving words to her. Now she will have another life, new people around her, and probably her new victims to wind around her finger.

She was not that happy at the job anymore. She would see me.. not knowing what to do or say.
She knows i know the real her. Also, she kinda lost her powers to be the new hot girl at the job. Some of her behaviors are slipping true the cracks... Her story about how she met her new dude is one big lie. "My life is now going fine, I fixed my house by my self (no mentioning of me) my new relation is going well... bla bla bla..." People who know them, and my co workers are still a little stunned how the F she is in a relationship with a racist. I think karma is gonna hit that dude big time! Probably going on his hands and knees back to his exGF and kids. Mister Alpha male will no longer be all that Alpha He thinks I was a weak dude..who was in love and could not let go or except that she did not have feelings for me. Anyway.. the sh!t will hit the fan. No longer my problem. I see it as a bad soap story now. To bad people will be hurt. And got hurt!!!

I hope this NC is gonna do the trick for me, so I can let go for real! It has been a hard 6 months. I really hope my mind is going to settle down now. I also think that the risk of her contacting me is small. We never had a thing, so no rebound for me.

I also met a new girl. Nothing serious. I can't for now. We are dating very very slowly. This is a major boost for me. The new girl knows my story, and she is fine with that. I first need to heal. Still a lot of work. Plus the fact that "her" leaving the job... kinda set some new emotions at work. So I got a little down from that. But that's okay I guess. I'm only human.

I read less and less about bpd, only when my mind gets stuck... then i read the forums... all the bad stuff bpd can do to people who "love" "them" this helps me to break the cycle in my head and move on.

All in all... things are getting better. It can only go uphill from here. So far so good.
Until next post, best regards fellow readers.

cheerz

Good to read. That you are reading less about BPD is a very good step!

Just an opinion (not fact), but I think one of the things that happens in these relationships is that so much mental energy is expended wrapped up in the other person's issues/mind, that we neglect our own mental processing. Rather like what happens if we sleep but don't dream (e.g., this is why sleeping aids are often frowned on, you may sleep but without the normal dream cycle you don't feel rested). The end result is we increasingly feel irritable, anxious, depressed, just overall mentally unwell. We need that time to work out what's going on with ourselves, and that can be near impossible in a relationship with someone who demands the focus constantly be on them, or because we've gotten caught in a cycle of a trying to figure them out.

NC is a mixed bag of emotions, but hopefully in a few days you'll notice that you are enjoying life again (even if just momentarily) without those reminders of what's going on with her.

Just to add something to X's post above...

If one can learn that the emotional energy we expend on someone else, first needs to be extended to ourselves ,things change rapidly. Trying to fill another's emotional needs with out first tending to and understanding our own, can lead us into difficult relationships and with difficult people. For they will use that energy against us in many ways.

People who are outward directed people, who believe making others feel good is their primary responsibility, find it very difficult to do the same for themselves. How many people truly understand how to nurture and care for themselves, truly? Neglecting one's emotional needs, and failing to self nurture is the equivalent of emotional abandonment. And when we do this, surprise, surprise, we look for others to fill this void. We will offer ourselves to fixing someone else (making them feel good), in the hopes they will return the favor.

This is in degrees of course, and many times we do not even realize we are being this self-sacrificial or going along to get along. If self-nurturing is uncomfortable to us at first, keep at it. Most people have to learn what truly taking care of ourselves first is really all about. And it is not selfish behavior.

Reaffirm to your self what it is you need right now. And then, give that to yourself. Sounds strange I know or weird, but you will feel so much better if you practice, practice, and practice some more. Treat yourself well, honor yourself, buy yourself something, take a trip, pursue a hobby.

Psychologically, this builds your own sense of self-esteem and self-worth and you begin to realize that you do not need someone in your life to feel happy with yourself. If you focus on meeting these, you tell yourself that you matter, you are someone of value and you are telling the world, not now, I need to take care of me first. You will be surprised how much people (healthy people) respect you for this. Respect yourself first and others will follow.

Good luck!

Thx for the reply guys,

Well as far for the no contact, I still do hear from them from time to time.
Not that I am asking about them, just overhearing others talking about her or him.
This kinda puts me in a short rush. Like the feeling you get when you need to do a emergency stop with a car. Heart rate goes up, breathing harder.. In fact, It's all the emotions from the last year that just pop up for a sec. Lasts about a minute or so. I can live with that. Thank god I don't have all these emotions Like the first month. I feel a lot better! Time does the thing.

Last week a friend told me that the "dude" is going to start a business on his own. She is getting a sort of training/course to do something kinda like he does... No idea if it's something they will do together.

So what pops in my head then: The emotions I mentioned above + A circle of thoughts comparing myself to the "dude" again. Then the better part of my brain snaps me out of it Actually... After all this reading about BPD and people who have been close to one, my reactions are kinda "normal". It just takes time.

So far, therapy with a psychiatrist + sessions kinesiology. Talking to friends and reading about all BPD stuff... does the trick. Not that I am fully back OK, by far! But it is getting better.

As far as the dating with the new girl goes,
I am open to her. I am aware that dating someone new does not heal my problem. So I keep a little distance from her. I does boost a lot! I think being honest will benefit me the most. No need to hurt her or my feelings just for my "boost". She seems fine with all of that. It does feel very weird to me. I suddenly have attention from another girl. A girl that does like me back, and shows emotion, and all the things a normal person does! Haha

It is like building a new me. A better version. I like it But yes.. it hurts, and it is not something you want to wish upon someone. I also think she was just the thing I needed in my life to finally start thinking about myself, start living!

Reading back all the posts I made, It's cool to see progress. And I like posting my progress. Hell, maybe it is helpful to someone.

Also, I am very lucky I think, that I am a very calm person. I am not violent. This could be worse! I now kinda understand all these guys that just snapped and did some bad violent stuff. I did get some very dark thoughts.. oh boy! But then again... It's OK. It's a process. It's OK to have all these emotions. It's what you do with it that is key.

NC is now 2 weeks. This already feels a lot better. I keep thinking about that clip on youtuub about that lady that meets her former lover after 30 years. The emotions you see are just so powerful.
I hope one day I can meet the BPD girl again like this. When she maybe, hopefully did a heck of a lot of therapy. And she can have a talk with me. Finally see what I was. I wish her all the best. Silly me...

aaaanyway. thx. update will follow..

cheerz

Hey mister...

All of this is good to read. Yes, it did hurt and still does. Yes, it takes time. Yes, there is ruminating and obsessive thoughts at times. Yes, there is some jealousy and comparison when someone you care about leaves for someone else and without remorse, explanation or empathy. It really is a shock, that someone can be this cold. All true. It will take time.

The best thing I can say is this. We can not control how others treat us, what they do or what they say, Whether we want to or not, we just can not. Fair or unfair, right or wrong, it is their decision to make. If this is who they are, for whatever reason, so be it.

I believe that we can and should though take ownership of our experiences, and take responsibility for ourselves. This does not mean this was justified or we deserved it, far from it. But it did happen to us, so we have to own it.

So I say, improve yourself. Find out some things you want to change about you and go for it. What you find is this, people around you will improve themselves as well because they sincerely value having you in their life, and others who will not, will self-select themselves right out of your life. For they never had your best interest at heart anyway. When they see you can no longer be manipulated, they will not even try.

And that is what winning is all about.

Mark's comments above re: taking care of you is right on. It takes time to break the habit of thinking about her first.

Update:

Yesterday was her birthday.
I started too think about last year, This time we were just starting the work in her house.
The memories of her cold look and no emotion when i came out with a surprise birthday cake.
I gave her a hug that night... This got me in a loop all day. Thinking what this dude will give her, what emotions she will show... And then I made the mistake of checking old messages on FB. I now see at some point she de-blocked me. I now see A pic of her and mister perfect. This got me thinking even more! Why would she de-block me? When did she do that? How long? Did she feel the need too talk? Or was it just her wanting me too see her with that dude?

Haha..my mind is still playing tricks on me.
In the last 3 months I had a girlfriend/friend with benefits.
We stopped seeing each other, due to her starting to get feelings for me.
There was no future in a relationship with her. 3 kids, me wanting a family of my own.
It was a great time, and also a very weird one.

I was so used to get no emotion, affection... This time all was legit.
It was a compliment for me hearing that someone actually has feelings for me.
It would be nice if it took a while longer...It was just starting to get really fun :p

All of this took my mind of the BPD girl, but when it was over, well... I kinda got in that loop again.
Thinking of the BPD girl. It is clear that I still have a lot of work!! It was a good vibe, but no solution! I knew that, it was just a temp. fix... giving my mind some rest. Now it's back to reality.


Anyway... On to the next adventure.


Bye

Hi mister37,

So I do hope that friends/with-benefits relationship ended in a way that nobody was hurt. It is a real risk that post relationship with someone who is entirely self-centered, that we may temporarily try out their personalities, and hurt others. It happens, but I did note this -

mister37 wrote:Yesterday was her birthday.
I started too think about last year, This time we were just starting the work in her house.
The memories of her cold look and no emotion when i came out with a surprise birthday cake.

Everyone has birthdays. I'd still focus on why was her's so special, keeping in mind she was using/abusing you to do something for her. Figuring out why this matters to you is for your benefit, so you can avoid repeating again with someone else who is self-centered.

mister37 wrote:I keep thinking about that clip on youtuub about that lady that meets her former lover after 30 years. The emotions you see are just so powerful.
I hope one day I can meet the BPD girl again like this. When she maybe, hopefully did a heck of a lot of therapy. And she can have a talk with me. Finally see what I was. I wish her all the best. Silly me...

Do you mean this :

Yeah, I thought about it lot myself. Powerful indeed.
Glad you're doing better.