a little help

I've been dating a woman for 8 months who I'm pretty sure is disordered... apparently it's the only type of woman I attract.

I see a mix of NPD and BPD here but wanted some input and thanks for any help in advance.

BUKU love bombing at the beginning and basically invited herself to move in with me after 3 weeks, I agreed. She has some drug and alchohol issues but even when thats' out of the picture for a month it seems things get worse.

I see a lot of splitting here. I'm either amazing ("just like her father") or I'm the ######6 devil (mostly when I question a boundary violation).

She throws away my stuff and argues about it being justified or denies it (but it never shows back up)
she never confronts, but is just very passive aggressive, lots of little quips of laughter to herself, slamming doors, muttering/bitching etc. Then if I ask her what she's on about she says "nothing".

No respect for my children-when i'm on a call or they visit, really tends to steal the show with anger in background on phone or passive aggressive $#%^ in person. She flips the ###$ out and threatens to break up a lot (seems to be a control measure that I fall for and I've seen this quite a bit).

UBER insecure, always accusing me of shit-except she doesn't... she gets mad over OTHER $#%^ and finally after several hours or days finally tells me some $#%^ on facebook set her off, something nobody would get insecure about.

Makes promises, apologizes, promises to get anger management-then breaks all promises within 48 hours, all apologies destroyed, etc.

very verbally abusive, lots of name calling, lots of ###$ yous, etc...

chooses crazy drama over talking 98% of the time, drags it out, blames me for dragging it out as I try to calm her down.

I could go on, but I'll stop there.

Here's the onion in the ointment for me: She sold her car for me to help me make a large mortgage payment and also destroyed her own phone in a tantrum once (did i mention she likes to break things, mostly things of mine?) and thus seems to have isolated herself to be dependent on me. I will be able to pay her back soon on the car and she knows this, holds it over my head in every fight... But i thought it would be weird for a pwNPD to give up their only asset to their mate, isolating themself like that... but it also seems to have trapped me as no matter how awful she is, I feel obligated to let her stay etc. til I pay her back.

a little help on wtf is up here?

Here it is not permitted for us to diagnose anyone, so consult with a professional, but yes, you are right. She has many BPD traits also mixed with NPD. Pay attention if your children say that she behaves in a different way when they are alone with her than when you are all together. A very common narcissistic trait is exactly this: behaving in a completely different way with the people they know. If she is as insecure as you say there is a high possibility of NPD. On the other hand, she controls you by making you owe her. As for her anger outburst, it's a prominent BPD trait. Watch out if she has manipulated you by saying she will commit a suicide, it's BPD. Could you please tell me: when she is angry, does she hit herself (for example, she hits her own head to the wall)?

ya, she's done that once recently-hit her head against the wall as a protest to how annoying i am via trying to reason with her

As kaloya123 has already stated no one can diagnose here, we can only speak from personal experience and what we have read here from other people experiences

But there is something going on with her (imo) Some (bpd) traits i see (even human ones)
i can relate to many of her reactions (not all)

Want to ask you a question too if i may?
have you "ever" said to her (after she reacted badly to something) "your crazy you need help"?
(coz this could escalate in to the other reactions your seeing)

Ive learnt here at this site, that its about communication.
If a person doesnt "know" whats going on they "guess" its natural, but 9 times out of ten the assumption is wrong.

For me: one eg:
my ex came in from work and saw i wasnt happy (for some reason) automatically asked "what have i done now" with an eye roll expression ...this put me on the defensive because before i could tell him "ive has a #######5 day, so im might not be great company" he would escalate it just with his assumption without even knowing he did (so in turn) it has gone from seeing im upset, to thinking its coz of him, to something completely illogical all because of a misunderstanding and lack of communication BPD traits (if it is that) are emotional responses to a giving situation (imo) i try and word it the best i can from my own explanation from myself ofc

Also are you a logical mind or emotional mind?
would be good to know too if you dont mind elaborating

Echinacea wrote:As kaloya123 has already stated no one can diagnose here, we can only speak from personal experience and what we have read here from other people experiences

But there is something going on with her (imo) Some (bpd) traits i see (even human ones)
i can relate to many of her reactions (not all)

Want to ask you a question too if i may?
have you "ever" said to her (after she reacted badly to something) "your crazy you need help"?
(coz this could escalate in to the other reactions your seeing)

Ive learnt here at this site, that its about communication.
If a person doesnt "know" whats going on they "guess" its natural, but 9 times out of ten the assumption is wrong.

For me: one eg:
my ex came in from work and saw i wasnt happy (for some reason) automatically asked "what have i done now" with an eye roll expression ...this put me on the defensive because before i could tell him "ive has a #######5 day, so im might not be great company" he would escalate it just with his assumption without even knowing he did (so in turn) it has gone from seeing im upset, to thinking its coz of him, to something completely illogical all because of a misunderstanding and lack of communication BPD traits (if it is that) are emotional responses to a giving situation (imo) i try and word it the best i can from my own explanation from myself ofc

Also are you a logical mind or emotional mind?
would be good to know too if you dont mind elaborating

mostly logical mind. but rarely wise mind lol

no, i dont escalate much, i reason. I ask her what's wrong, i do throw assumptions but they are good ones like "I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm sensing maybe you are upset about this situation and perhaps scared and thus acting this way since it's hard for you to be direct. That's okay, but not to express it the way you have here."

She usually says that kind of stuff to me "youre crazy" etc. accuses me of PD stuff.

However, after about 60 or so rage fits, I did tell her after things calmed down that i really didnt see a future here unless she went into anger management. she agreed, and agreed againa bout 12 times, hasnt quite got there yet tho

-- Mon Apr 17, 2017 3:07 am --

and my assumptions are correct more than 1/2 the time these days on her

i read her pretty well now. except lots of this stuff is out of the blue based on her delusions, most of them revolving around insecurity. and i DO mean delusions... like eg: I got some text from an "Anastasia" with a link and there was a quiet war going on for 2 days til i got it out of her that she was upset about this "anastasia".... I asked her, "so did you click the link?" i clicked it and it was a list of youtube videos from video games to love advice.... clearly spam. and a 2 day fight over that... spam, didnt even click the link... wtf

mostly logical mind. but rarely wise mind lol

thanks for reply to that (my ex is logical mind too) thats why i asked

If she has indeed agreed to "anger management" she obviously "knows she has a problem" controlling her self..so thats a good thing,

then maybe it can be talked about in a more motivational manner?
maybe get her to agree to setting wheels in motion (without fear of you giving up on her)

I did tell her after things calmed down that i really didnt see a future here unless she went into anger management

This good and bad imo...its scares her to motivate her to do it ..but at the same time imo its scares her into worrying that your going to leave her and that can cause more stuff to pile up (you see) ?

and my assumptions are correct more than 1/2 the time these days on her

i read her pretty well now. except lots of this stuff is out of the blue based on her delusions, most of them revolving around insecurity. and i DO mean delusions... like eg: I got some text from an "Anastasia" with a link and there was a quiet war going on for 2 days til i got it out of her that she was upset about this "anastasia".... I asked her, "so did you click the link?" i clicked it and it was a list of youtube videos from video games to love advice.... clearly spam. and a 2 day fight over that... spam, didnt even click the link... wtf

Yes ...i know it can be hard to understand logically (this is why i asked) emotional minds are totally different (my own experience) this is why its hard to know how to understand why she reacts.

I believe you have read her very well
But your asking for advice and that means your struggling to understand what you need to do to resolve these issues before its to late right?

From what ive learnt about me and my ex's relationship is he thought differently than me ..he never understand my emotions to anything (didnt meant he was wrong) just that i couldnt explain why i did a certain reaction. if i dont know why myself "how" could i explain it to him ...right?

its not black and white with emotions imo, its not that simple
and thats the part that needs to be understood

Edited to add

I got some text from an "Anastasia" with a link

New tec world has caused a lot of miss trust (imho)...just what i think sorry ...relationships struggled before but not like this. phones always "pinging" updates to this and that. it irritates me more than ever before ...if im with someone they are the most important to me not a online update or whatever lol ...society has changed so much that the insecurities are stronger than before

Vilified Phoenix wrote:ya, she's done that once recently-hit her head against the wall as a protest to how annoying i am via trying to reason with her

As a protest ?
Did she tell you that or was is in frustration coz you wasn't listening to her?
(i see frustration here) not a protest

Vilified Phoenix wrote:ya, she's done that once recently-hit her head against the wall as a protest to how annoying i am via trying to reason with her

Well, then she is mostly BPD. [mod edit]

Hope i helped.

Echinacea wrote:

Vilified Phoenix wrote:ya, she's done that once recently-hit her head against the wall as a protest to how annoying i am via trying to reason with her

As a protest ?
Did she tell you that or was is in frustration coz you wasn't listening to her?
(i see frustration here) not a protest

ya, frustration indeed in her head. But really projection as I was being reasonable and polite, and she was acting nuts... so i had a right to be frustrated, not her. She gets frustrated when I don't kowtow to her #######4 over and over... I'm essentially a babysitter, that's how it feels. Except it's a large, dangerous baby

My quote was to explain from my own experience of it
Every one is "allowed" to be frustrated (i didnt say you wasnt)

I understand you feel like a babysitter with a gf that has issues ..thats clear

Your are here for advice ...right?
Some advice you will not agree with (for sure) but it doesnt mean its not true

The thing is i see both sides ..but your comment i quoted i replied too
the whole situation is bigger than that one quote ..but we have to break it down in to sections.coz we have to piece it all together ...you live this life we only get parts of it that you share here.

I understand your pissed off...
but "don't shoot the messenger"