I can never make up my mind. Ruined relationships result.

I've hurt so many people over my inability to make up my mind. Life with me is a constant game of back-and-forth, or on-and-off. I can never just want one thing or feel one thing, and there's nothing that I want over something else.

I'm extremely envious of black-and-white, all-or-nothing types of people. They know what they want/feel and what they don't want/feel and they stick to it. Nothing, and I mean nothing is black and white for me. Everything exists in shades of grey. I see and understand every side of every situation and can never have an opinion. It's lead people to see me as fake or hypocritical because I can side with one thing and also side with the complete opposite of that.

All of my relationships are rather toxic. I can like and dislike someone at the same time. I can both want to date and not want to date a guy (and end up severely wasting the poor dude's time). I'm extremely prone to love triangles because I can want two people equally. If someone does me wrong, I hate them but can't let go of them because I still love them too. So, as expected, I end up being very passive aggressive toward them when I should've just cut them off (which I can't do because it would make me feel too guilty because I understand their side too much).

This is destroying me slowly day by day and my list of friends is steadily shortening. I just want to be able to WANT something FEEL something and be completely sure of it. I want to be able to like someone/something 100% and dislike someone/something 100%. I'm tired of my 50/50 lifestyle and so is everyone around me. I'd like to believe that I'm a good person but it's hard to believe that when I cause so much toxicity just from being the way I am.

How can I change this? What can be the root of this problem? Is it weak-mindedness? Am I too open-minded? Or am I just a POS? Help please.

I have an idea of what this might be. I could be very wrong, though. Does this forum allow members to make an opinionated "diagnosis"? I'm very familiar with this type of situation, because my mother is just like this. However, she has too much pride to know she has a problem. You, on the other hand, are so brave an I truly admire the fact that you can see that you may have something going on. People who have this type of problem usually blame other people for what's going on. You took charge and admitted fault. I am proud of you.

I can assure you that you are not a POS. The fact that you came here seeking an answer proves that you want to change.

Motame wrote:I have an idea of what this might be. I could be very wrong, though. Does this forum allow members to make an opinionated "diagnosis"? I'm very familiar with this type of situation, because my mother is just like this. However, she has too much pride to know she has a problem. You, on the other hand, are so brave an I truly admire the fact that you can see that you may have something going on. People who have this type of problem usually blame other people for what's going on. You took charge and admitted fault. I am proud of you.

I can assure you that you are not a POS. The fact that you came here seeking an answer proves that you want to change.

Thank you so much, you're very kind. Sadly, I only recently stopped throwing blame around and realized that the problem is me.

I'm not sure what the rules are here but I would LOVE to hear your opinionated diagnosis!

Caplibcan21 wrote:I'm not sure what the rules are here but I would LOVE to hear your opinionated diagnosis!

Hi Caplican21,

Since no one here is a professional, diagnosing anyone is off limits. It is impossible anyway.

However, one can talk from personal experience. Or even to suggest just a "guess" because in the end without knowing you personally, no one can say what may be troubling you.

Motame wrote:I have an idea of what this might be. I could be very wrong, though. Does this forum allow members to make an opinionated "diagnosis"?

Hi Motame,

You may speak from personal experience here. You can say " My mother does...". But please refrain from labeling or saying "this is you."!

For both of you we must always try to respect individuals by not conclusively saying someone is "such and such."

Thank you for the consideration

M

Caplibcan21 wrote:

Motame wrote:I have an idea of what this might be. I could be very wrong, though. Does this forum allow members to make an opinionated "diagnosis"? I'm very familiar with this type of situation, because my mother is just like this. However, she has too much pride to know she has a problem. You, on the other hand, are so brave an I truly admire the fact that you can see that you may have something going on. People who have this type of problem usually blame other people for what's going on. You took charge and admitted fault. I am proud of you.

I can assure you that you are not a POS. The fact that you came here seeking an answer proves that you want to change.

Thank you so much, you're very kind. Sadly, I only recently stopped throwing blame around and realized that the problem is me.

I'm not sure what the rules are here but I would LOVE to hear your opinionated diagnosis!

You are so welcome! That's ok that you just recently stopped throwing around the blame. What's great is that you broke a very difficult barrier and saw the fault in yourself. Do you know how awesome that is? That means that YOU are in control, and that is truly wonderful. I wish my mom could do this. Unfortunately, I think the only way for her to admit fault, is if I cut contact with her (hopefully only temporarily). Though, I doubt she will ever make as much progress as you have.

My mom has not been officially diagnosed, but 4 (yes, you read that correctly; 4) licensed professionals have given me an opinionated diagnosis of her having Borderline Personality Disorder.

Let me say that this is NOT a diagnosis for you. I could be completely wrong. This is just a guess from what I have experienced with my mother. People with BPD are not bad people. But they have the tendency to love someone one minute, and then feel as if they hate them the next. With my mother, she feels a lot of love for her current boyfriend. One week, he's the greatest thing that has ever happened to her; and she's on Cloud Nine. The next week, he does something so small that displeases her, and she's having second guesses about their relationship; and it has ruined her whole day. The love she feels is definitely real love, but I think her negative tendencies stem from severe trust issues, and possibly severe emotional trauma over the years.

Last week her boyfriend told her that he dropped his daughter off at his ex wife's house because it was her week for visitation. He said that he saw his ex wife cooking, and he made a comment saying, "You're cooking? You never cooked when we were married." My mother saw this as a way of her boyfriend showing that he is bothered by his ex wife cooking, when she never cooked while they were married. But, I know how her boyfriend is. He makes comments to everyone because he is the kind of person who likes to pick at people. But my mom saw this as a form of unresolved feelings on his part. And it bothered her for several days. She even started second-guessing their relationship.

Hey Caplibcan21,

What stood out for me in your post is the want to feel 100% sure. While I do understand why that can appear to be an enviable position, my own experience is that people who are '100% sure' either end up dramatically disappointed, or must block a lot of information (including their own conflicting emotions) to maintain a state of 100% sure. So just my opinion, but I think it's the people who are at peace with their own ambivalence, who are overall happier.

An irony is that the want to feel 100% sure can leave us very unhappy, because again, we are bound to be disappointed. In reality I don't think you'll find many people who are 100% sure anyway, at least not for long. Movies/TV characters maybe, but real people? Not really.

Question then - What is the root of this belief, that to be happy or make a choice, you need to feel 100%? How about 80%, or 90%?

Motame wrote:

Caplibcan21 wrote:

Motame wrote:I have an idea of what this might be. I could be very wrong, though. Does this forum allow members to make an opinionated "diagnosis"? I'm very familiar with this type of situation, because my mother is just like this. However, she has too much pride to know she has a problem. You, on the other hand, are so brave an I truly admire the fact that you can see that you may have something going on. People who have this type of problem usually blame other people for what's going on. You took charge and admitted fault. I am proud of you.

I can assure you that you are not a POS. The fact that you came here seeking an answer proves that you want to change.

Thank you so much, you're very kind. Sadly, I only recently stopped throwing blame around and realized that the problem is me.

I'm not sure what the rules are here but I would LOVE to hear your opinionated diagnosis!

You are so welcome! That's ok that you just recently stopped throwing around the blame. What's great is that you broke a very difficult barrier and saw the fault in yourself. Do you know how awesome that is? That means that YOU are in control, and that is truly wonderful. I wish my mom could do this. Unfortunately, I think the only way for her to admit fault, is if I cut contact with her (hopefully only temporarily). Though, I doubt she will ever make as much progress as you have.

My mom has not been officially diagnosed, but 4 (yes, you read that correctly; 4) licensed professionals have given me an opinionated diagnosis of her having Borderline Personality Disorder.

Let me say that this is NOT a diagnosis for you. I could be completely wrong. This is just a guess from what I have experienced with my mother. People with BPD are not bad people. But they have the tendency to love someone one minute, and then feel as if they hate them the next. With my mother, she feels a lot of love for her current boyfriend. One week, he's the greatest thing that has ever happened to her; and she's on Cloud Nine. The next week, he does something so small that displeases her, and she's having second guesses about their relationship; and it has ruined her whole day. The love she feels is definitely real love, but I think her negative tendencies stem from severe trust issues, and possibly severe emotional trauma over the years.

Last week her boyfriend told her that he dropped his daughter off at his ex wife's house because it was her week for visitation. He said that he saw his ex wife cooking, and he made a comment saying, "You're cooking? You never cooked when we were married." My mother saw this as a way of her boyfriend showing that he is bothered by his ex wife cooking, when she never cooked while they were married. But, I know how her boyfriend is. He makes comments to everyone because he is the kind of person who likes to pick at people. But my mom saw this as a form of unresolved feelings on his part. And it bothered her for several days. She even started second-guessing their relationship.

See, I've always looked over BPD as a possibility because they tend to be very black-and-white, no? At least when it comes to splitting. I can definitely relate to your mom when it comes to feeling multiple ways about a person and questioning relationships though. It, understandably, drove my exes and potential boyfriends up the wall. But my problem isn't really "switching" per se (loving them one second, hating them the next) but the fact that I feel love and hate simultaneously. I guess I can seem like I'm switching though when really I'm trying to make sense of what I feel. I wonder if it's the same for your mom?

xdude wrote:Hey Caplibcan21,

What stood out for me in your post is the want to feel 100% sure. While I do understand why that can appear to be an enviable position, my own experience is that people who are '100% sure' either end up dramatically disappointed, or must block a lot of information (including their own conflicting emotions) to maintain a state of 100% sure. So just my opinion, but I think it's the people who are at peace with their own ambivalence, who are overall happier.

An irony is that the want to feel 100% sure can leave us very unhappy, because again, we are bound to be disappointed. In reality I don't think you'll find many people who are 100% sure anyway, at least not for long. Movies/TV characters maybe, but real people? Not really.

Question then - What is the root of this belief, that to be happy or make a choice, you need to feel 100%? How about 80%, or 90%?

You have a point about people being 100% sure ending up majorly disappointed. I've noticed this with quite a few of those people and they take it very hard before blocking it out all together.

I'd love to be at peace with my ambivalence but it affects those around me far too much for me to just be okay with it. I don't know if it's just my area or if I somehow naturally attract these people, but most of my friends have been like this. They had strong opinions (clear likes and dislikes), people who they loved with all of their hearts and people who they hated with all their hearts- never anything in between. When they made decisions they stuck with them and when they wanted something they went for it.

I just don't feel like anything less than 100% is enough. I take everything into consideration, including that 10%. Well it's either that or I just can't be more than half-sure. You bring up a great point, however.

Hi Caplican,

Can it be simply that you have the competing human qualities of pursuit/desire and avoidance? And each is very powerful because on the one hand you crave the connection but at the same time fear it! Two competing desires (which by the way-all humans possess-we are all prone to pursue and avoid, depending on circumstance)

In many cases, this fearful way of relating/attaching can be traced back to when were young and forming our very own ideas about connections.

Now, Motame is correct that if traits of BPD are prevalent, these competing feelings/desires can range in the very intense spectrum and can lead to the confusion you have. The feelings can change, and sometimes very quickly.

Everyone in life (my opinion) has a "defended" personality. We all have psychological defenses designed to keep us safe emotionally. And we all react at times because of these defenses.

Now love and hate are very strong descriptors of feeling/relating. Is it really more nuanced then that? Is it really an intense fear of allowing yourself to be with someone? Do you feel like this will only lead you to hurt or disappointment?

mark1958 wrote:Hi Caplican,

Can it be simply that you have the competing human qualities of pursuit/desire and avoidance? And each is very powerful because on the one hand you crave the connection but at the same time fear it! Two competing desires (which by the way-all humans possess-we are all prone to pursue and avoid, depending on circumstance)

In many cases, this fearful way of relating/attaching can be traced back to when were young and forming our very own ideas about connections.

Now, Motame is correct that if traits of BPD are prevalent, these competing feelings/desires can range in the very intense spectrum and can lead to the confusion you have. The feelings can change, and sometimes very quickly.

Everyone in life (my opinion) has a "defended" personality. We all have psychological defenses designed to keep us safe emotionally. And we all react at times because of these defenses.

Now love and hate are very strong descriptors of feeling/relating. Is it really more nuanced then that? Is it really an intense fear of allowing yourself to be with someone? Do you feel like this will only lead you to hurt or disappointment?

You are so spot on. I've always had this irrational, deep-rooted fear/discomfort of getting close to others, like since toddlerhood. Yet I also, like any normal human, want to. This could precisely be why I have this problem! There is no one, no one, that I can say I've ever been TRULY close to. Ever. There's always been something blocking me. I'll bet if I actually get truly close to someone, I won't have this issue. Didn't even think of that until now, thank you.

I feel like I fear getting close to people because I inherently believe that I'll let them down or that they'll end up ditching me.