Desire relationship even though i'm typically cold

I'm a 26 year old woman who lives a fairly solitary lifestyle. I don't talk to my family, I work alone on night shift, I don't go out unless it's to get essential items or to buy things relating to my hobbies (which still isn't often), I only have one friend that lives far away that I actually feel close to emotionally and would actually cry over if he died. We are very much alike in lifestyle, humor, views on the world and blunt communication style. The only person I've ever truly related to. With everyone else I know, I feel very indifferent to or even find them to be an outright annoyance. My childhood was devoid of love and i've been through some traumatic events as an adult, which probably contributed to me being the way I am. Not much of a talker and when I do, it's rarely anything too personal. I don't express much emotion, even when I feel it. This tends to make other people kind of uncomfortable being around me or they assume I hate everyone, when in reality i'm mostly detached.

The odd thing is, despite being the way I am... I still desire romantic relationships and sex which seems uncommon for people who share similar traits. For the anime dweebs out there, i'm basically the dandere meme. I'm closed off and barely talk, but If I meet the right person and they are patient with me, I'll open up over time / become very lovey dovey. I just find it so strange, because I don't let people get close to me and have little interest to do so unless it's romantic in nature. The problem is, I struggle so much with the initial dating period for obvious reasons. It seems like i don't have much interest even when I'm beginning to. Breaking out of my routine, making time for another person is especially hard, but I know it could lead to something much more comfortable and desirable.

Not sure if I should just give up on the idea of finding someone since I struggle so much with the dating period. Am I wasting my time? Is there anyone else like this out there? What are your experiences and how do you approach dating?

Hi PP,

Well, you are protecting yourself in some way. You fear letting someone get too close and into your emotional world. Any ideas why that might be the case?

Whenever we allow someone to get close to our hearts, to be vulnerable and open, we risk the chance of being hurt. We can be rejected, and someone can leave and/or abandon us. These two "primal" fears exist in pretty much everyone to various degrees. However, for some there can be a hyper sensitivity there.Therefore we can be frightened of intimacy, afraid of being known and seen.

We can also struggle with trust. Perhaps something from long ago gave us the idea that people may not be so safe. That when you reach out to others, they will not be there for us. So why bother reaching out then? So we can live in a way that avoids closeness. Not to offend people or harm, but so we can feel safe.

But allowing someone to get close, to allow ourselves to care for another is one of the truly wonderful things about living. It is the human connection. To feel like we belong. To feel like we are loved and accepted. And that we can love and accept others. And it does not have to look a certain way.

We can only feel this however, if we allow ourselves to. And that can be a challenge for some.

Perhaps you need to find the right person. Someone who you can be honest with. Someone you can talk about this with. To not make demands on you for more then you are willing or able to give. But be as emotionally honest with them as you can. Let them know. If you seem too distant, they will misperceive your level of interest.

So do not give up. Simply know what works for you and always be authentic to yourself and others.

Hi PierogiPlease,

Your post was like looking in a mirror even though we are of opposite genders and I am a few years older. I am sorry you feel isolated and stuck in a rut. I am going through similar feelings so you aren't alone at all. There is nothing wrong with being an individual in a world that leans towards conformity so don't feel like you have to give up who you are.

//Well, you are protecting yourself in some way. You fear letting someone get too close and into your emotional world. Any ideas why that might be the case?//

Being emotional means getting abused. Vulnerability just allows sociopaths and narcissists to treat me badly. Was bullied a lot growing up, including by people I thought were my friends. Distant mom and unloving father. Sexual assault on two occasions by people I trusted. Was cheated on after being in a relationship with someone for three and a half years. Last boyfriend was abusive, liked gaslighting me all the time and loved degrading me any time I expressed confidence. so yeah. I have little reason to trust.

PierogiPlease wrote:Breaking out of my routine, making time for another person is especially hard, but I know it could lead to something much more comfortable and desirable.

PierogiPlease wrote:Being emotional means getting abused. Vulnerability just allows sociopaths and narcissists to treat me badly. Was bullied a lot growing up, including by people I thought were my friends. Distant mom and unloving father. Sexual assault on two occasions by people I trusted. Was cheated on after being in a relationship with someone for three and a half years. Last boyfriend was abusive, liked gaslighting me all the time and loved degrading me any time I expressed confidence. so yeah. I have little reason to trust.

Well, this is a lot pain and hurt. And anyone would be impacted if they have had similar experiences. Anyone would be reserved and cautious, and self-protecting. And trust would be almost impossible. These experiences are more then likely holding preventing you from finding what you are looking for.

But you came here to these forums because you have these wants/needs/desires....and you are looking for ways to feel happier.

PierogiPlease wrote:The odd thing is, despite being the way I am... I still desire romantic relationships and sex which seems uncommon for people who share similar traits.

PierogiPlease wrote:Breaking out of my routine, making time for another person is especially hard, but I know it could lead to something much more comfortable and desirable.

So you want this. But considering what you wrote there are no easy answers. And I do not think any routine Relationship advice will help. The way forward may be to work through these painful experiences with someone who can help you with them. Because unless you take a look at those how can you move forward in a more positive way?

Have you sought out any counseling or therapy?

I was going to ask about that but I wasn't sure if it was a good question or not. What kind of culture do you live in, Pierogi? I have a feeling you might live in the Bible Belt.

//Have you sought out any counseling or therapy?//

I was in therapy for a total of 3 years and I know I need to go back, since I don't have much of a support system around me. The problem is, I don't have enough money to afford it. So i'm pretty much stuck being silent.

//I was going to ask about that but I wasn't sure if it was a good question or not. What kind of culture do you live in, Pierogi? I have a feeling you might live in the Bible Belt.//

I'm from the MIdwest. What gave you the impression i'm from the Bible Belt?

Well, you mentioned people stereotyping you for being not much of a talker. In the Bible Belt, the people here think being shy or quiet correlates with being a misanthrope or a serial killer in waiting.

Hello PierogiPlease,

A few thoughts for you since therapy is not an option at the current time.

In terms of relationships, friendships etc, what makes you feel safe? When are those times present or with people where you do not feel pressured to either conform or be a certain way, where you can just be yourself? Without any expectations? Just you?

You mentioned a friend whom you care about very much. So, you can very well engage with others. And as you said in your first post, you do want too, just need to proceed at a certain pace. Which is ok. You need to truly know someone first. So, perhaps instead of creating some pressure on yourself relative to dating, you can meet people another way.

I realize that you have said you keep pretty much to yourself, but do you have any other social outlets where you can engage with others, such as hobbies or interests? Perhaps you can mingle with some like minded people and takes things slowly.

As for the dating pool, yes it is difficult. Do not be hard on yourself about that one. It is very much hit or miss, mostly miss. You are not alone with your frustrations. And many people have various agenda's with dating. Tough to trust sometimes who is a good guy versus one who is not.

I am not a big fan of social media, and would never advocate online dating sites( stay away please), but have you been able to connect with people on line"? On line interacting can lesson the pressure, and allow you to be yourself.

I feel most safe if i'm in a small group of people or one on one with someone I already know. When others aren't drinking or on drugs, I feel more at ease as well. It's a hard thing to avoid really, especially since i'm a musician. If I want to play shows or go see live music, i have to deal with drinking / drug use. Not sure if I really can be myself 100% aside from the one friend I mentioned. I'm always suspicious people are going to turn on me at some point or if they are male friends, i'm always a bit paranoid about getting raped again or touched when I don't want it.

Aside from music, not really. My hobbies are all quite introverted in nature. I spent majority of my time alone as a child and wasn't allowed many friends. Most other kids were deemed "influenced by Satan" according to my dad and therefore not fit to be around me. So I'd entertain myself with things that only required me to enjoy it, was big into reading for example.

I do a lot of chatting online, yeah. I even run a chat server. The internet definitely puts a lot less pressure on me and it's much easier to find those who value similar things or at least have the same interests. Stuff like OK Cupid is absolutely terrible. Mostly full of horny men who want to use me or they want a open / polyamorus relationship which I am VERY opposed to. When it comes to relationships, i'm traditional and like monogamy. A concept which is apparently a non-existent thing for 20 somethings.

tl;dr I struggle to believe I can have a normal life and don't know how to be myself or trust people.