Air Deflating Quickly

• Diagnosis: Clinical Depression, Anxiety, BPD + PTSD
• Medication: Cold Turkey with a DEF poss of relapse

Was diagnosed with BPD while with current bf (Almost 4 years together). Once discovered, I felt I could work this out with him. We go through some very hard times which I don’t feel are all based on me but poss enhanced bc of my condition. BF is all I have in my life.

Currently living together and he feels we should live separately for the moment. Devastated to the highest degree at the moment. Been crying for almost 2 weeks. I am a cutter but I haven’t done it in a while. Current thoughts go there and beyond but I just fight internally with myself bc I consider tomorrow, I don’t want to go to work with cuts on my arm.

Background:
• Before diagnosis, I have had these issues since I was 19 years old. Currently 34.
• Physical altercations with bfs, cutting myself
• Been to jail twice for fighting with bfs (days, no sentences)
• Mother: Diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia – been taking care of her solely for 7 years
• Parents did not raise me – short time in foster care
• Raised by step grandmother and aunts/uncles – Verbal and physical abuse
• Sexual molested since I was 5 until maybe late middle school
• No close relationship with family members

My life has been my bf but maybe bc of BPD, it just don’t play out too well. I feel that all problems we have are mine based on my diagnosis but I feel that I am in this box and he wants to live separately. No physical harm between us.

• When I’d go to the gym – he’d call me screaming that it doesn’t take 3 hours to be gone for the gym or he’d say, “do you HAVE to go to the gym?”
• Out with friends – he has called screaming that I can hang with them but I won’t go with him
• Friends invite me out of town – “I don’t want you to go.”
• Plan to run errands – “Stay here with me” as he falls asleep
• He went out to a bar and later invited me once I got off from work. On the drive there, I was talking to a friend about my emotional roller coaster and current battles. I texted him once I arrived and told him I was in the parking lot but on the phone. 30 minutes later, I go inside, he is nowhere to be found. Texted him. He said he left. SMH. He’s going on 51 mind you. Even when I told him what I was talking about, he got even more angry and asked, “was that so important to talk about that right at that moment?!”
• He says we should not incur any new friends of the opposite sex while in the relationship. He feel that male friends should not be in my house regardless – Not only does he acquire a female friend, he moves in with her and I have no knowledge of it until maybe 5-6 months later.
• Moved out from him after the constant threats from him for me to get out and we stayed in the relationship. Broke up a few days but called me begging to come back into my life. I expressed that therapy would be the only way and we would see how it plays out. He was ok with that but he wanted to move back together and do therapy. – NOW HE is telling me he’s moving out into this new home and we live separate for the moment. At first the home was for “us” he said. I found the home and we moved forward. Within 2 weeks, he told me I wasn’t moving with him. “We need therapy.”

When I say there is one one else in my life, I mean that. I have close friends but they do not know of my issues at all when it comes to my diagnosis. I was just expressing my issues to a friend as I mentioned in this post and she has known me about 10 years. Cant talk to bf. He always just stares at me when I cry and I am so emotional. That hurts even worse and actually makes me get angry.
Advice please. Thank you.

For someone with BPD hearing that their significant other thinks they should live separately is probably one of the hardest things to hear. I have to congratulate you though because it sounds as if you are managing the situation and taking things in stride, despite feeling devastated at the moment.

Your boyfriend has said he wants you both to seek therapy in order for the relationship to continue. Is that something you have both pursued together?

In reading your post I also see some ways he has possibly been inappropriate as well, so he may benefit from therapy as well. Just from your post he may have anger or trust issues?

It sounds like therapy is the next step, for both of you, either individually or as a couple.

You were diagnosed with BPD so you must be in therapy or you were recently?

Your boyfriend has said he wants you both to seek therapy in order for the relationship to continue. Is that something you have both pursued together?

I am fine with therapy. Just didn't want to move away for a second time. To me, that's my wake up call saying that it shouldn't be a second move out but a break up instead. Though I don't want that either but that seems to be more logical.

Just from your post he may have anger or trust issues?

Yes, I have both anger and trust issues.

You were diagnosed with BPD so you must be in therapy or you were recently?

No therapy for a while but start back wednesday. No meds nor therapy for quite a while. What bothers me most is that when I was on my meds, he complained about the lack of sex. Got off the meds to try to accommodate him. In the end, he wants to leave.

Therapy. Jailed twice for fighting? You don't need that. You need to control your anger.

You have had a very hard life and you need to protect yourself. I know it is hard. I have worked on my anger issues since medicated for bipolar. Maybe a different med that doesn't affect your libido?