Husband left me - different person.midlife crisis?

My husband and I were married nearly 18 years. We had a good marriage, despite the tragedies and losses. He was my best friend and he would send me text messages everyday to say he loved me. There were some things about him that were different, but I always thought it was his personality. He is creative and spontaneous and often does not thing things through.
After horrific tragedies and (criminal/jail terms) with some of his family members and the death of my mum, he left me after nearly 18 years marriage. It was five months after my mum passed away that he told me to check on something(at the back of our home) and when I came inside he was gone! No note, no conversation. It was Easter and everything was ok. When I called him on his phone he said he felt trapped in the marriage and had to fulfil his dreams! I had no idea he was unhappy. I know he was close to my mum but he didn't talk about her after her death. I was heavy in grief. The long story short was he was having an online affair with a person in Japan and he was planning to visit her. He left just before my birthday, came back (not to me) and then left again to be with her (on our wedding anniversary). He was a kind, gentle man, careful not to hurt others feelings, but now he has changed. Leading up until he left me, he was running(to lose weight) and one day thought our neigbhours had been murdered. He was speeded up more so then ever(he has always had lots of energy, etc) but he was talking quicker, walking quicker and just really "fired-up". I had wondered if he was taking some type of drug??

So he went to Japan but the r/ship didn't work out and he stayed there little while. He was quite depressed and angry with me. He blames me for our marriage breakdown. This is a man that sent me text messages everyday to say how much he loved me. I have known him 20 years (or thought I knew him). He took out credit card and loans to finance the trip to Japan and also the accommodation. It was bizarre - I didn't even know he liked Japan - all very new news to me! He is obsessed with the country. He paints(his hobby is art) and he spent 6 weeks painting.
He joined facebook and added random friends -- over 400 people, mostly Asian women. He comments 'randomly' how beautiful they are. He doesn't know them! He was reserved with me, and didn't like being out in public much. But now, this person is different - he loves the busyness of Tokyo city and spent time there. He plans to go back and this will be his fourth trip. He never went overseas before. I really loved him - adored him but he hates me! My heart is broken and I can't see what has happened. Mr dr feels he may have a mental illness. Throughout our marriage he was a bit reckless sometimes(with an investment) and also spontaneous. I thought it was his personality. He was very much into Art(still is ) and was planning on painting to sell. He bought lots of canvases - but he only painted one painting..he has left everything behind in our home. He abandoned his life with me. He is only in his early 40's. I didn't realise mid life crisis could go on this long anyway. He always said he loved him and commented on the way I looked but I am not Asian so I don't fit into his category. He also like very young women now. We lost our only baby (sixteen years) ago and he lost his brother and dad in tragedies. There was a lot of heartache in both of our lives. I Have forgiven him but still puzzled. He just says ai was too controlling. I don't think I was. He did have a gambling problem but I took care of the finances and everything was fine. He was a good man but now he is strange. His taste in music has changed - even food and he dresses differently. I think he has forgotten the love we had for one another. When I tell him he left me at a point in my life where I needed him, he cant understand that. He just says "I am sorry and didn't mean to hurt you". He told me I had been a good wife and he gave me a rating of 97percent. He told me he couldn't do relationship anymore!! He had strong convictions(because of our faith) in marriage and not to commit adultery. But now he doesn't care! His reputation has changed and he doesn't care. He works two jobs now(when he was with me he was tired and wanted to wind down and work three days - now he works five days, two jobs with little sleep. He is always working out and has tonnes of energy but won't ever help me with things. He walked away from all responsibilities. I even had to sort through more things of my mum's - he doesn't care. He has yelled at me and told me to "move on' and that I should be over all of the grief by now. He left me 10 months ago. He is selfish now - he used to be giving and kind, but now Facebook is all about him. Posting photos of himself(does selfies all the time - even when he is working or out in the street. He isn't ashamed. Before he didn't want to draw attention to himself, but now he is bold and has this confidence I have never seen before. It's kind of an arrogant confidence. I don't see him bu t have had some contact via phone (txt messaging) and have seen him on facebook purely because I am intrigued in what he is doing now. The man I loved and adored and whom, I thought adored me has gone! I am still in shock and am wondering what goes on in his head. He told me Asian women make for good wives and he wants something different. I reminded him that he loved me and we had a good relationship but he is angry and says I made him unhappy. One day he came to the home to collect some things and I was crying and couldn't look at his face and he got a bit angry with me. He used to send me photos of his holiday and also when he has gone out to dinner or bought something new. I told him to stop as it was hurting me! When he left for Japan a day before my birthday I was crushed and then met up with the new person on our wedding anniversary. He had another relationship when he came back home(it was mainly online on fb and he planned to go overseas and meet this person, but he told me he broke it off. He wasn't upset and yet he would say on Facebook he loved her a million times over and she was a gem to him. I was confused as how he had no remorse. He has no remorse or compassion for me. I tell him I am grieved as I lost mum and him within five months of one another. He can't understand my pain. He just carrys on as though nothing has happened. He is happy now bu t has told me he is in debt. He works day and night fo finance this new lifestyle jetsetting to Japan. I know he is drinking now(he told -me - never drunk before and hated alcohol. He has met women in bars etc. He was shy with me and it was always difficult to get him to stay 20 mins in a coffee shop. He gets moody now and has shouted at me to leave him alone. One day I sent him too many texts and he called the police on me. So he is kind of fragile. I can't understand what happened to him. His mum is similar to this, she has had numerous relalationships with men and has major depressive illness. His other family members have been reckless too and drug taking. When my husband was young, he was a herion addict but came through all that and went on to do well. I don't think he takes drugs now but has starte d drinking. Tells me it's only two or three beers with a meal. His taste in music has changed as well - also food. He eats food he would have never eaten with me. He wears different clothes, he wore just ordinary(nice clothes) with me but now wears "superman tops" He would NEVER ever have worn them with me and would say they were Ugly...I know a diagnosis cant be given here but I just wonder what happened. He even left his pets behind and never asks after them. He was an avid gardener but left all that behind too. I care for him still and wonder what has happened, to give and walk away on a good marriage(we had our stresses and issues but nothing serious). I know life was sad but we were planning on going on a holiday together. He was good to my mum as well. I am not angry with him, more confused. I am hurt that he is a womaniser now (he wasn't with me) He was shy but this person is bold and confidant in himself. He was on a dating site an d lied that he was divorced(I found him on the site). He said "I am an honest and loyal person and I Hate liars". (This was part of his profile). He lies now..so terribly.

Any ideas? Mid life crisis with elements of mental health issues?

That's brutal, Grace. I admire what you're doing. Whenever we can better understand something, especially when it's as painful and confusing as this, it can make it a little more bearable.

When I see what you're describing, like the dramatic shift in lifestyle, beliefs, and attitude towards you, I think of depression. I think of someone who has been struggling to enjoy things a more normal person would because of a structural and/or chemical problem in his brain. I see someone who would go above and beyond at times to try to feel something good, such as through telling you he loves you on a daily basis, because his default state of mind without professional help might be a very sad state. If this is true, he would have left because his mind struggles to experience joy. Instead of looking in the mirror and asking himself if everything was working like it should in his head, he decided to blame others and attribute the sadness to them, like you. Maybe leaving wasn't to hurt you but done mainly out of desperation for trying to address a deeper problem he doesn't realize or understand. If this is true, you're a victim of his ignorance and he is a victim of his own ignorance too.

If I'm guessing right, and there are more reasons to believe I'm wrong than right about this, then there's not much you can. Maybe he'll call asking for help or seeking to reconcile because his new lifestyle didn't fill the void he feels. If that happens, whether you hate him or still love him, the best thing you can do for the both of you is encourage him to seek professional help. If he's experiencing depression, this is a disorder generally requiring prescribed medication provided only by a professional therapist. Although I'm just guessing, I hope my interpretation will provide you something to think about that at least feels less daunting and confusing than what you've been experiencing so far. This is a guess made by an amateur but also one I hope you find helpful.

(What I can tell you confidently is midlife crisis's don't exist. People do experience crisis's during our midlife but it's not any more or less common than the kinds of crisis we have at all ages. These crisis's aren't caused by any specific age but instead by specific events and problems we experience at all ages.)

Thank you so much. You are very insightful and the 2nd person to mention "depression" to me. My local dr said "possibly bipolar". I feel helpless and also bad because he blames me. I know I am not perfect but I was a very caring wife and this this is brutally hurtful. Forgiving is easy part but my self-esteem is rocked, not to mention my heart...- broken! He keeps looking for the most perfect life but I wonder if he will find it. Thanks again.