Breakup has ruined me...

Hi everyone.

I am writing here because I genuinely have no where to turn. I am getting to the point where I feel like life is not worth living. I am in the worst state of my life, and I have never been through anything as awful as this. I am usually not an emotional person AT ALL, everyone around me knows this. However the situation I am going through, I cannot even explain what it has done to me. I feel destroyed and I cant speak to my friends about it. I am begging you all for help...

I dated a girl on and off for about 8 months, and then for the next 4 months we became a couple (12 months in total). For the first 8 months when I was dating her, she appeared to be extremely classy, a good girl, good morals, calm, sensible and a real lady. Through out our 8 months of dating I started liking her more and more and eventually we became a couple. However, as soon as we became an item...I started learning the truth of who she really was. Its so devastating to say that, I can go on and on about all the horrible things she did but my heart physically cannot take it for me to write it all out so I will summarize it:

I found out that through out our 4 months as a couple, from the start she was cheating on me. She cheated on me with approximately 10+ guys, I honestly don't even know the real figure but this is as far as I know. She lives with her best friend, and as we live in a very small town..I found out through mutual friends that random men had been leaving their house at all hours of the nights. She would go out partying, and dance/flirt/grind on other men. She had sex with so many men during our time together. She was having sex with her ex throughout our whole relationship. This kills me to say, but she had unprotected sex with her ex one morning, and I happened to come knocking on her door to ask her out for lunch. She told me to come back later, and we also had unprotected sex. Later on that night, she had sex with her ex again. I would hear stories of how she woke up after a night out with a man in her bed fully clothed, she lied about the incident and I later found out she had been cheating on me with him for 2 months. I would find texts and messages to other men. I would have to physically gather evidence to catch her out, but despite me doing this she would lie in my face and act like I am crazy! She would lie, manipulate me in to thinking I am just being paranoid and sensitive. She even swore on a child's life and my life that she wasn't lying when she was lying.

But...what hurts me the most more than cheating (yes it gets worse), is that she would on most days lie and make up a totally fake story about how "someone" had rang her, texted her, she had found out that I am cheating/lying/my intentions with her weren't honest. She would on so many occasions put me in situations where I would have to defend myself, prove to her that I wasn't being unfaithful, prove to her that I had true intentions with her. She would make up completely fake stories of that people had been saying things to her. She would even mention names of the people who she claimed had told her that I was cheating, when the people hadn't even said a word! She made me doubt some of the closest people in my life, people who I trust 100% by claiming they were speaking about me.

She put me through absolute hell. Honestly I am balling my eyes out as I write this, and before her...I was a guy who had all the confidence of the world. I can't even remember the last time I weeped like this before this woman ruining my life. The worst thing is, her friends and family would also send me messages and texts, claiming I was "over sensitive" and "a psycho" that made her life hell because I would "falsely accuse her of cheating". All these people, they knew what she was doing behind my back!! When I would go to her house, her friend and sister would laugh in my face and say "youre just crazy, you need to relax. Gosh, you not normal". I even caught my ex and her friend once making up a false story about me cheating and when I caught them out and questioned them about it, they smirked in my face!!

I would have to defend myself and fight my corner everyday against false accusations when SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS CHEATING, LYING AND MANIPULATING!!!!!! And to remind you all, this isn't even all she has done. I nearly lost my job! I cannot function after this. I cant believe who she turned out to be, when she showed me a completely different side to herself in the beginning!? Please someone explain how it makes sense?!

I also began to see some signs of her being kind of controlling, but I am not sure. She asked me to block a girl off facebook because "she didn't like her", and she wasn't always happy when I was out with my friends and used to tell me to go home, I didnt listen. (is this a sign of controlling behavior?)

The worst thing is, and I am struggling so bad with this...Ever since I have broken up with her she has been chasing me. She emails and calls constantly. She came outside my house last week balling her eyes out, she had a panic attack. She begged and pleaded, told me how much she regrets it and how much she loves me. That she has been miserable and she cant be without me. That she has changed, that she has realized what she lost. That she has realized that what she was doing wasn't okay. She spent 2 hours just crying and crying and apologizing. And honestly, I'm starting to believe her!!!! It scares me, because I'm starting to miss her, I'm starting to make excuses for her in my head, starting to think maybe shes being honest with her apology and will never do it again.

I don't know if what I have been through is emotional abuse? I feel completely out of my mind..How is it possible for me to want to get back with someone like her? Ive developed horrible anxiety and I am a shadow of the happy confident guy I was once.

Sorry everyone for the long post, but please please I am pleading...Help me! What should I do? How should I think? I don't have anyone to talk to because its such a horrible and embarrassing situation. She has crushed me.

Hi devastatedguy,

You've had your life long sense of self-esteem, of who you are, torn apart. If you've had a relationship with a deceptive, manipulative personality type, no doubt you are in deep pain. There is a bright side to what happened, but it's going to take time to work through the painful emotions.
This is going to be one of the most painful experiences you'll go through, though I urge you to trust that something good will come out of this (more on that below)...

You really do need to talk with someone, ideally a therapist, but one way or another, to get some support. There is no shame in this, and it is step 1 in rediscovering who you really are, why you got into this relationship, and why you tried to make it work despite so much hurt. In the mean time please feel free to write as much as you can here.

While you are working on healing, I also urge you to pick at least one positive thing to try and focus on such as -

I am thankful I am not being lied to today.

I am thankful I am not having to defend myself today.

I am thankful I am not have to pretend how I feel today.

And so on, whatever works for you. This won't entirely alleviate what you are feeling, that will take time but it may help to start the process of embracing new thoughts and feelings. Even though it can be impossible to see now, you can end up as a new you, with a much clearer understanding of who you really are, and a sense of self-esteem that runs much deeper than the you who got into this relationship. Also, a you that is far more aware of others including those to avoid in relationships going forward.

Best,
X

Hi sir,
first I want to tell you that I am proud of you. You need courage to come and share your story here and wanting to solve the problem instead of victimizing about it. It is already a big step.

So I am not a psychologist, I am only 22 y-o but I will tell you what I think. Do what you want about it , hopefully it will help you out. I will go paragraph by paragraph until it is solved.

So the first thing you need to know is about mask. First you have no power over it, mask are very hard to see and it is very painful when the person remove the mask because we had false expectations and it is a big punch to the face, especially after 8 months of seeing it, being use to it etc...The wrong thing about it , it is that you are focus on only the negativity and you refuse to see the positive aspects about it.

''she appeared to be extremely classy, a good girl, good morals, calm, sensible and a real lady. ''
What do you think it means about you? If she feels the need to be extremely classy, good girl, good morals, calm etc... Don't you think it represent who you are? Yeah she made a mask to match up your personality so be freaking proud of this. She had to take 8 MONTHS which is CRAZY, to match up your personality because you are spreading strenght, positivty, class etc... how dare you to say

I am getting to the point where I feel like life is not worth living. I am in the worst state of my life, and I have never been through anything as awful as this.

Why would you change? Stay the classy, good value guy, this is who you were and there is no freaking reason to change. You worked your entire life to be that great person and you would throw that away because of a girl? I might be rude, but adapt yourself to events. Events are what makes you grow. She was not a good match for you, because she teached you a lot of stuff and right now you don't see it, but I will explain you some patterns and hopefully it will make you see the treasure that she gave you so it doesnt happen again to you later.


Lying and refusing to take the blame:
The first thing you need to understand is that behaviour explains A LOT about her. This girl clearly had a hard past and she was missing some vitals aspects (attention and love). Instead of working on herself, she prefer to victimize herself and it is why she is stuck in her fake world. She has no control over her life and she is constantly in panic mode so it is WAY easier for her to say that it is others fault. That way she doesnt touch her own ego and since she already have low self-esteem and self-confidence, she is not making it even lower. For sure it is super frustrating for you because you sound like the bad person in the story according to her , and it is very frustrating because you are not living your life as a victim. You broke your ass in 10 pieces to grow and to become a better person, to have good values etc and one girl make screw everything up. So yeah I understand your madness.... you give everything you have to a person and she spit to your face. But that kind of behaviour only talk about her, and if people believe it, it is their problems. If they come and talk to you
-hey you did that to this girl blabla
you just need to answer :
-I guess I did, I will take the false accusation because she is broke enough to invent some stuff instead of working on herself, and with all the respect I have for her, even after what she did, I could not care less about what she invent to make herself feel better. Period. You don't have to argue with people to show you are a good person, just change your vybe and set it back to what it was. If people believe her, let them. Again it is just a representation of who they are. And if they are draining you just cut the bridges, at this point you don't have energy to lose on stupid people.

Cheating:
For cheating it is tricky, the first thing you need to understand is ; it is not your fault. You did everything you could but when a person is broke like she is, she need attention 24/7 and no man alive can give that. I will explain 2 principles and you will understand why she cheat (even if it is never an excuse to do it) and you will understand why after 8 month she changed and why it affects you so much.

Human have vital needs : Sleep, eating, health etc but to these vital needs add up Sex & feeling important.

The need to feel important is probably one of our biggest need. We all want to have recognition from others and to be something/someone important. What probably happened is that after 8 months she realize everything you did for her and she probably felt like she spotted your flawes and that she could manipulate it, and since she took you for granted when she changed she probably stopped making you feel important which is probably critic for a relationship. It is taking relation and putting it into a tomb. You were probably sad about it, but after 8 months you probably told yourself, it will comeback like before and stayed with her until you learned everything you learned and said enough. Now you think the world is over because all the attention you had and the feeling of being important is taken away, so it is a shotgun shot to the chest. But hey, there are millions way to feel important just put your head up and do actions that are fitting with your values.

Attention:
There are 2 ways to have attention;
-to ask for some
-to give some

Since she clearly lacked attention and love in her life, she for sure was looking for attention. For 8 months what she did was asking you to fill it but it was impossible for you to fill like I said earlier so what she did sadly she asked other men to do it also. Why? because she have no control over her life and sex is probably the only place where she feel she has control so it was the easiest way. Also sex is making you feel confident about yourself,wanted etc... It is destructive and you feel like sh** that is for sure, but know that it is not because of you. she cheated because she refuse to solve her problems. You have been honest, true and you did what you could. Sadly she break your trust and your self-confidence and everything you worked for, but you should never let her take away what you worked for. You MUST set back respect to yourself.

Also it is even more problematic when you link attention to your struggles. Because you do stupid actions to solve your problems in order to get attention, but the quality of attention is super poor so you never get filled enough so you repeat over and over the action.

But everything here is a way of thinking, you can think the same way like you do right now, and you will live the same way she is or you can say NO, this girl wont take my life away I worth something and I have incredible power ( remember what you were spreading before, when she needed to be classy etc to match you ).

I will link 2 videos to you, they are super awesome maybe it will help you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa8MkhQJrF0&t=4181s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtMltwYTEUs&t=11s