Conflict with boyfriend - vent/rant

This is pretty boring - read at your own risk.



I'm not sure my boyfriend is nice enough. The relationship confuses me. We've been together for almost a year, I've been living in his house for half a year.

The few times there's been a conflict (like now), it's me who've had to reach out. When I've felt wronged I've put it on myself to make a narrative that makes us both decent, well-meaning people, and he's gracefully gone along with it.
Some times when I've been really upset and crying, he's been so cold.
I'm not quite clear if he has a very difficult time dealing with conflict/temperature, or if he just don't think I'm worth it. For me it's somewhat a chance to get to know each other better.
He's confirmed that he's afraid of being manipulated (past experience), but again that's my 'offer' to him.

Once I unintentionally offended him, and he was unwilling to see my side and let me explain. He was stone faced and I was completely taken by surprise and upset. Felt his attitude was like - either I did it on purpose, or I'm too stupid to be given the time of day. We went to bed and it was 'forgotten' the next day.

Today was pretty crazy. He was up all night playing a game and got mad when I used the vacuum cleaner at 4 pm. He refuses to speak to me. I've decided I won't try anymore, it's his turn. From my point of view it's easy to construe a scenario where we don't talk to eahother for months because I wanted to get something out of my very limited spare time, and started the vacuum cleaner. This comes on top of me having to do all the house work, even when he knows how important it is for me to do something fulfilling outside work. (I work a lot, in jobs that are only moderately engaging, for economical reasons.) I know he didn't care much about cleaning when he lived alone, but must have done something, and he SAYS he sees that it's somewhat for us.

It's somewhat difficult to engage him in talk about our..'emotional' relationship - it's difficult to address problems, differences. It makes me feel like a good weather girlfriend. Even though he's got no problem committing in the way of making plans for the future and joking/hinting about marriage.

For a long time he's been a slob when it comes to housework and spending time with me.
All he does is his mobile game.

I know he's got emotional and work problems, and that he's disoriented. It's not how he wants to spend his life. But sometimes I feel he over dramatizes this because he's comfortable and entertained. Because he doesn't care about us. Or maybe he doesn't want to find ground because it would mean realising he has to break up, better let me grow tired first.
We don't have sex because...of his problems.

A lot of the time he's so sweet. Remembers what I need from the store, comes to pick me up from work. Remembers my worries and upcoming events in work/social life and asks me about them. We mostly speak the same language, share the same humour. When he's drunk he says the sweetest things.

Wonder if it's too advanced for us to have so different economical status. (He's well off while my work is partly state funded as 'training' and pays very little.)
I feel like we don't have the most passionate relationship, but have warm feelings and a lot of sympathy. (He's so smart and independent. Good values. We mostly 'get' each other in a way that's rare to me.) I've told him I've never been very passionate. Most of the time I think we're on the same page about what feelings we have and what we want/need.
But then he asks again if I care about him. And then I hesitate when I first spontaneously wanted to express my affection, because he looks at me in a sceptical way.

He's so strict...

Sometimes I think I'm in so deep when it comes to my social/economical situation that I can't trust my integrity like before.
I (feel like) I live in a country where it's not acknowledged that normally gifted, non drug addiced people can be poor, so it's psychologically difficult to get out of this situation and get a real job while living i a cupboard. Besides we've got an outdoorsy cat that has attached herself to me. Her manners is for the especially interested (I call her Cartman). So I wonder what would come of her if I moved to a cupboard. Maybe I don't really consider that option.

While I was writing this novel (my heart goes out to you who've gotten this far. I read long posts too, to mooch drama, and here you didn't even...).
While I was writing this novel, I asked and got the message that he is indeed angry. I'm glad. He didn't just in the back of his mind, almost subconsciously, think he'll punish me a bit while he does his gaming/work. He even said we'll talk about it later.

Why am I so content with us most of the time, and then flip and think as above. Am I freaky? Is my relationship freaky?

First of all, let me express you come across as an exceptionally sweet, kind and sincere soul. I think he is LUCKY to have you.

Furthermore, you are carrying the weight -- cleaning the house, working hard -- so for him to throw a fit over a 4pm vacuum cleaning is disrespectful and immature.

I can't help but think you deserve better than this lout, but finding a good partner is not easy and it appears you share a lot of things in common.

The fact he doesn't appear to do anything other than play his "mobile" game is another concern. You say he is well-off, but I would wonder if this is because he inherited money?

I can't really offer you a solution. You'll have to decide if the lumps are worth it with him. Lack of sex, passion, and his cold demeanor and "punishments" in exchange for companionship, having things in common, familiarity.

But I will say I have a girlfriend and we spend 24/7 with each other, and I don't treat her like that. She actually cleans, too, and cooks, and I do nothing but thank her (she enjoys it and won't let me clean or cook). We might have a very, very mild "fight" every few months, but it is quickly resolved.

He's not showing real maturity if he's making you feel bad over a 4pm vacuum cleaning.

You also mention your country, are you in the USA or somewhere else?

You feel content most of the time and then react with anger sometimes, because most of the time you suppress your anger, and that is not healthy neither for you nor your relationship.