What does a healthy relationship look like?

All my relationships have been bad. Fights and arguments constantly and breaking up making up etc. I'd even say they were abusive.

I've taken a couple years to be completely single and to take a look at myself and what I've been doing wrong. I have problems with anger and impulse control as well as trust issues. These are things I'm trying to work on to be a healthier person.

I am thinking of starting to date again. I've taken time off to look at myself but I'm not sure its healthy to isolate myself forever either. I want to try things differently this time and hopefully I will eventually have some sort of healthy relationship.

What does a healthy relationship even look like?

I don't even know where to begin. When I'm getting to know someone, what to focus on? What questions to ask? I know I need to change my past patterns but I don't even know the first thing about how to approach it in a healthy way.

Any book recommendations? Most relationship books out there seem full of advice on how to manipulate people, and I don't want to be manipulative.

Thank you in advance for any helpful advice.

I think your question can be best answered by a therapist. You should consult one.

Hey MR,

Here is my take on it.

Visualize a 4 inch line and then split it down the middle. Everything from center leftward is moving towards greater and greater degrees of dependency. Everything from center towards the right is moving towards greater and greater degrees of independency. Each side of the coin, both left and right, has a mal-adaptive personality formation.

As people move towards the left they become more and more co-dependent. As they move towards the right they become more and more counter-dependent/Narcissistic. Now healthy relationships are about finding a balanced combination of opposite but complimentary personality styles.

Now all of us either fall left or right of center. In other words all people can be classified as having degrees of dependency or counter-dependency. People who fall to the left in healthy degrees value emotional closeness, intimacy, caring for another, giving love freely. People who fall to the right value independence, space, freedom to pursue outside goals/objectives and self reliance.

A slightly leftward person matches up perfectly with a slightly rightward person. Problems come with extremes. An extremely dependent person will have a deficit of self love and an abundance of other love. So they look for others to fill their needs. They can have an abundance of empathy and emotional intensity /intimacy. They freely give themselves away and can become enmeshed in relationships. They will often look for partners to lead, in exchange for love and devotion.

Conversely, rightward people lose empathy, emotional connection, intimacy, warmth and the ability to attach to others the further right they go. They have an abundance of self love, but deficits in other love. They will look for people who will strongly attach and mirror. Provide adoration or complete subservience. People too far right have a PD, one of Narcissism. It is a personality mal-adaptation. Co-dependency is as well, on a severe scale.

An extreme counter-dependent person will find a co-dependent type to be too needy, clingy, and demanding. A co type finds counter dependent people to be too cold, too emotionally unavailable, and lacking empathy or concern for their feelings. The relationship fractures and dissolves.

You see this in co-dependent/Narcissistic couplings as well as BPD/NPD couplings. NPD types are too far to the right, BPD types are too far to the left. Now, things will go off the rails as well with a balanced person, who sits near the middle (neither co-dependent nor counter-dependent-but inter-dependent) and he/she meets someone who is too far left or too far right. This pairing will not work. Because the healthy, balanced persons boundaries will be obliterated by each.

The secret then is to find a reasonably complimentary match. A person who is slight dependent matches up beautifully with someone who is slightly counter-dependent. Each brings to the other what the other wants/lacks.

Now, I do not have the secret sauce to finding the "one." I would not have wound up here if I did. But, try to understand your self first. Are you in the dependent side of the equation, or counter-dependent. And then look for someone who is opposite but complimentary. And avoid extremes.

In the end , it comes down to your personal boundaries. What are your needs and wants? Are they realistic and healthy? If not, find a way to move towards center, wherever you fall on the line.

mark1958 wrote:Hey MR,

Here is my take on it.

Visualize a 4 inch line and then split it down the middle. Everything from center leftward is moving towards greater and greater degrees of dependency. Everything from center towards the right is moving towards greater and greater degrees of independency. Each side of the coin, both left and right, has a mal-adaptive personality formation.

As people move towards the left they become more and more co-dependent. As they move towards the right they become more and more counter-dependent/Narcissistic. Now healthy relationships are about finding a balanced combination of opposite but complimentary personality styles.

Now all of us either fall left or right of center. In other words all people can be classified as having degrees of dependency or counter-dependency. People who fall to the left in healthy degrees value emotional closeness, intimacy, caring for another, giving love freely. People who fall to the right value independence, space, freedom to pursue outside goals/objectives and self reliance.

A slightly leftward person matches up perfectly with a slightly rightward person. Problems come with extremes. An extremely dependent person will have a deficit of self love and an abundance of other love. So they look for others to fill their needs. They can have an abundance of empathy and emotional intensity /intimacy. They freely give themselves away and can become enmeshed in relationships. They will often look for partners to lead, in exchange for love and devotion.

Conversely, rightward people lose empathy, emotional connection, intimacy, warmth and the ability to attach to others the further right they go. They have an abundance of self love, but deficits in other love. They will look for people who will strongly attach and mirror. Provide adoration or complete subservience. People too far right have a PD, one of Narcissism. It is a personality mal-adaptation. Co-dependency is as well, on a severe scale.

An extreme counter-dependent person will find a co-dependent type to be too needy, clingy, and demanding. A co type finds counter dependent people to be too cold, too emotionally unavailable, and lacking empathy or concern for their feelings. The relationship fractures and dissolves.

You see this in co-dependent/Narcissistic couplings as well as BPD/NPD couplings. NPD types are too far to the right, BPD types are too far to the left. Now, things will go off the rails as well with a balanced person, who sits near the middle (neither co-dependent nor counter-dependent-but inter-dependent) and he/she meets someone who is too far left or too far right. This pairing will not work. Because the healthy, balanced persons boundaries will be obliterated by each.

The secret then is to find a reasonably complimentary match. A person who is slight dependent matches up beautifully with someone who is slightly counter-dependent. Each brings to the other what the other wants/lacks.

Now, I do not have the secret sauce to finding the "one." I would not have wound up here if I did. But, try to understand your self first. Are you in the dependent side of the equation, or counter-dependent. And then look for someone who is opposite but complimentary. And avoid extremes.

In the end , it comes down to your personal boundaries. What are your needs and wants? Are they realistic and healthy? If not, find a way to move towards center, wherever you fall on the line.

Thank you Mark! This was very helpful.

I had to think about it for awhile and I think I'm over on the counterdependent side. I'm probably more of a taker. That said I also am attracted to those counterdependent types as well, which explains the horrible relationship dynamic.

I guess the awareness is one step. Either I can learn to go more towards the center, or try to find someone who will balance me out.

I don't want to abuse someone or take advantage of their kindness, however I also don't want to be abused. Its a balance. With extreme personality dynamics, I guess there will always be a challenge. If I could control my personality I would try to get more in the center, but these patterns have been cemented. Taking time to be alone was what I needed to navel gaze and see myself more objectively, but unfortunately that doesn't mean I can wave a wand either and have my issues magically resolve. But at least its one step towards the right direction, though I guess will be a long process ahead of me.

Thank you again! Very helpful response and I appreciate it greatly.

helloagain wrote:I think your question can be best answered by a therapist. You should consult one.

Oh, I have!

Hey MR,

You are welcome.

MotherRussia wrote:I had to think about it for awhile and I think I'm over on the counterdependent side. I'm probably more of a taker. That said I also am attracted to those counterdependent types as well, which explains the horrible relationship dynamic.

This pairing can happen. But it resembles more of a business/friendship rather then a romantic story. Since these types are more takers then givers (not meaning to hurt with those remarks), you will clash over who leads and who is "right" most of the time. This can be described, at least by outsiders as a loveless or cold pairing, but those are merely labels.

The major problem with this pairing is that each of you wants your partner to mirror or give attention, love, affection. But each of you actually wants to pull that from another. So he will look for that and she will too. No one is really giving. This depends on degrees of Narcissism, of course (which we all possess) and whether empathy is there or not.

The opposite pairing also can happened. Two co-dependent types or essentially, excessive givers. Both desperately wanting to fill a gap or void. They can smother each other. This will be a warm intimate pairing, but someone has to lead. Problems will come with this pairing over too much emotional processing, thinking and not enough rational thinking. There will be a lot of love here though.

The major problem with this group, is that they may be looking for "corrective" experiences, having self-love deficits from childhood. (counter-dependent (extreme) people have deficits too-masked with Narcissism) They need a partner who can teach/show self-reliance and a bit of more Narcissism (the healthy variety)

If you understand yourself, and have the ability to empathize with others and give of yourself, without needing to take all of the time, then there is someone for you. Someone who is more dependent will give you the love you need. But you must give something back. Can you value and appreciate someone, and love them back in your own way?

This is just my own thinking.

Oh, I just wanted to add this....

In my humble opinion, where you fall on this line-left or right, is where you will spend the majority of your life on. It is too ingrained.

However there are some corrections that can take place. People who fall on the dependent/other love/giving side need to learn boundaries. People on the counter-dependent/self love/taking side need to learn empathy.

Boundaries build self-esteem, which is what dependent people need more of, and empathy builds the ability to love others, which is what counter-dependent people need more of. Of course, extremes or disorders can make this quite a challenge.

mark1958 wrote:Hey MR,

You are welcome.

MotherRussia wrote:I had to think about it for awhile and I think I'm over on the counterdependent side. I'm probably more of a taker. That said I also am attracted to those counterdependent types as well, which explains the horrible relationship dynamic.

This pairing can happen. But it resembles more of a business/friendship rather then a romantic story. Since these types are more takers then givers (not meaning to hurt with those remarks), you will clash over who leads and who is "right" most of the time. This can be described, at least by outsiders as a loveless or cold pairing, but those are merely labels.

That is probably an ideal pairing for me, but most people want more closeness and intimacy. That's one of the challenges, finding someone who wants a similar level of intimacy, while also us being attracted to each other.

The major problem with this pairing is that each of you wants your partner to mirror or give attention, love, affection. But each of you actually wants to pull that from another. So he will look for that and she will too. No one is really giving. This depends on degrees of Narcissism, of course (which we all possess) and whether empathy is there or not.

I don't mind taking turns with the giving and taking, its just my natural inclination to take more. If I give and then feel unappreciated or taken advantage of, it quickly triggers anger and paranoia in me.

When I do get to the point I have feelings for someone, I do enjoy giving to an extent. But since I'm also attracted to the taking types, those types are inclined to start to take advantage or not show appreciation, etc. And then I get angry, and it becomes a cycle.

I'm beginning to ramble a bit, but what you have said has helped me process some things more so I'm just typing it out as I am.

The opposite pairing also can happened. Two co-dependent types or essentially, excessive givers. Both desperately wanting to fill a gap or void. They can smother each other. This will be a warm intimate pairing, but someone has to lead. Problems will come with this pairing over too much emotional processing, thinking and not enough rational thinking. There will be a lot of love here though.

The major problem with this group, is that they may be looking for "corrective" experiences, having self-love deficits from childhood. (counter-dependent (extreme) people have deficits too-masked with Narcissism) They need a partner who can teach/show self-reliance and a bit of more Narcissism (the healthy variety)

I did once have a partner who seemed to really look up to me, they mirrored me and I would say I led the relationship. I'm beginning to think that person may have had BPD or even DPD traits. Unfortunately they also became extra controlling and violent though. I'm willing to accept part of the responsibility since they said I never made them feel secure in the relationship. I was always looking for an excuse to leave or trying to push them away.

That has been one of my downfalls in relationships. Ambivalency, not wanting to give up my freedom, not wanting to be dependent on someone else. I'm realising that's something I have to work on. Healthy relationships require having to give up independence and allow oneself to become at least somewhat dependent on someone else. That is very scary to me for some reason.

If you understand yourself, and have the ability to empathize with others and give of yourself, without needing to take all of the time, then there is someone for you. Someone who is more dependent will give you the love you need. But you must give something back. Can you value and appreciate someone, and love them back in your own way?

This is something I'm going to work on. I'm very mistrusting of people and it gets in the way of my empathy. I automatically assume most people want to harm me so I have my guards up, always looking for things to confirm my suspicions. I realise I need to relax a bit and I need to develop my empathy towards the other person, show softness and compassion towards them and not jump to the worst conclusions. I have to let my guard down. I think its been a character weakness of mine that I haven't let myself do this. It comes from a place of fear, not wanting to be hurt, or disappointed, so always staying distant and aloof and pushing people away even when they want to get close to me.

This is just my own thinking.

I think your thinking is correct.

Your posts really helped me process a lot of things. Even if some of my personality traits and patterns are cemented, I want to at least try. The alternative is isolating myself. There's nothing to lose in trying, if I fail, I will just isolate again, and maybe try again.

mark1958 wrote:Oh, I just wanted to add this....

In my humble opinion, where you fall on this line-left or right, is where you will spend the majority of your life on. It is too ingrained.

However there are some corrections that can take place. People who fall on the dependent/other love/giving side need to learn boundaries. People on the counter-dependent/self love/taking side need to learn empathy.

Boundaries build self-esteem, which is what dependent people need more of, and empathy builds the ability to love others, which is what counter-dependent people need more of. Of course, extremes or disorders can make this quite a challenge.

I agree with this.

Thank you again for the help mark.

Hi MR,

A very sensitive question, thought to ponder is; Do I choose emotionally unavailable people because I do not feel I deserve something better? An emotionally unavailable partner will be, well, unavailable and it can confirm our deepest held beliefs about ourselves.

We can live out the relationship "template" our parents taught us, by observing how they treated each other, but more importantly how they treated us!

Most of this can be sub-conscious of course, but the path towards true relationship happiness may lie in removing any blocks we have for it! Of course, that is often easier said, then done!

mark1958 wrote:Hi MR,

A very sensitive question, thought to ponder is; Do I choose emotionally unavailable people because I do not feel I deserve something better? An emotionally unavailable partner will be, well, unavailable and it can confirm our deepest held beliefs about ourselves.

I do think this is true. I became aware of this awhile back. When someone is nice to me or treats me well, it feels foreign. It confuses and disorients me. If its a relationship partner, I start creating drama. Just can't stop myself. Anything to create chaos and try to incite them to treat me badly. Nons usually leave at this point.

We can live out the relationship "template" our parents taught us, by observing how they treated each other, but more importantly how they treated us!

My parents were emotionally unavailable. I've no doubt I'm replaying the template. No idea how to stop doing this though. Therapy and introspection helped me become aware of it, but the awareness alone hasn't "cured" it.

Most of this can be sub-conscious of course, but the path towards true relationship happiness may lie in removing any blocks we have for it! Of course, that is often easier said, then done!

I wish I knew how. I can sit and introspect for years. I feel I've done this since I've naturally always been that way. But, putting into practice the realisations I come to is an entirely different matter. I think I will just slowly enter back into the dating/relationship world and just view each encounter as practice. Trying to do things in a healthy way, checking in with myself on how I'm thinking of things, interpreting them, and responding to them, and being aware of unhealthy people and avoiding them.

Its hard to break the patterns though. Like quitting smoking, its an unhealthy addiction to a certain style, but the short-term pay off is more enticing than the long-term reward of giving it up, and suffering the short-term consequences. Even now as I'm thinking about even just going on one date with a person, I'm already plotting and giving in to old patterns.

How to do it like a normal person? A Non would have their own set personality and preferences, and would be meeting someone with the idea they will be assessing them for compatibility, and they probably have a pretty good idea of what they want in a partner.

I don't. I'm more thinking of how I can mirror this person, make them feel good, make them want to be around me more, but without thinking too much of what I want, if I am enjoying it or not. If I had a solid sense of myself and my own preferences I guess I would be able to.

Its going to be a long struggle ahead. At least I haven't given up. No harm in trying and as I said I will just have to put in extra work to check in with myself and nip things in the bud if I see them going in an unhealthy way.

I would like if we were in the same spot\level ideally but that couple like you said either both right or both left ,would have the problem of who is leading.
Can you also changing positions , sometimes one leads ,sometimes the other.

I wonder you mark that say has some trauma and subconsciously would choose the one who takes.because you want to give.
Do you think you can be attracted to someone like you?Or you can not. I am not sure in general if extreme givers can be with the same.maybe they can't.i think my mom is codependent and I wonder maybe she can't.

I would like someone as me.but I find my self able to slightly change.sometimes I want to give but sometimes I want to take.maybe that is the middle.
I do want someone to lead but at the same time I do not want.
If you ask me to lead at some point I will do not know what to do but if you lead all the time I would want to leave also I think.
I also want to give but only when the other gives too. (I think this only with relationships,not with your kids ,should be more unconditional)