there is no moving on

Thanks again.

I hope i'm not being annoying with all my posts lol. I do honestly feel a very strong attraction him still and I don't understand why because I have told myself the facts over and over again - he is emotionally abusive, he only wanted me because I made him feel good and he was only willing to be there for me if he could gain something from it, he thinks he loves me (he even wanted to get engaged) but he has no concept of love and him and his on -and-off-girlfriend are such a strange couple.. She talks about him like he's God or something and yet she keeps cheating on him and he keeps accepting it, I even remember once when he talked to me about poly-relationships, almost suggesting it, and he also used to joke about cheating every now and then like that was totally normal to him. They are both so messed up and I told myself when it was over that I was NEVER gonna involve myself in that again..! Yet here I am feeling some strange desire to do so... A person close to me thinks it has to do with me missing the simple times before graduation - when him and I used to be together - and that that time of my life is him to me.. and I do have some trouble adjusting to life now and I do find myself missing the more simple times but i've never connected it that way myself?

I guess it also has to do with the fact that I am confused over everything that happened, and that I AM attracted to him.. although people just like him in general pisses me off and disgusts me so I don't see what makes him any different to me. We're obviously not meant to be or anything since he has her... And if he really only took her back to make me jealous or because I didn't want him anymore, then he would have contacted me by now but he hasn't. Maybe I need therapy after all? I don't know. I didn't know a person could have such a huge impact on you but that is my own fault for allowing him to become so ridicously important to me in first place, and for staying when everybody told me not to. I really don't wanna think that my view on love is ruined now though but that is how I feel because the thought of REAL love, honest, GOOD love disgusts me... and I have always been the typical hopeless romantic lol. Now i'm just disgusted by all that. Tired.
And although I can't possibly now how he treats her I keep wondering why I wasn't good enough and why he's good to her but not to me.

anon112 wrote:I hope i'm not being annoying with all my posts lol.

It is perfectly fine, we do not charge by the post here!

I have a sense why you are attached to him. The same reason I was attached to my ex even though she treated me, well, poorly.

Often times our relationships are chosen based off of something that happened to us long ago. Psychologists say we choose people based on the relationship template our parents showed to us, not only in how they related to themselves, but how they related to us. In fact, how they treated us is the most important. Because it forms our beliefs about ourselves, our world and environment and how we attach to others in meaningful ways.

If some how our caregivers were sometimes absent in nurturing us (not as sinister as it sounds, could be simple innocent things) we grow up to view relationships and love as something we need to earn. We adjust ourselves to meet the needs of someone else first, and then are hopeful that someone will meet our needs. Because after all, we had to do this to get a parent to give us what we need.

So when we meet someone we feel attracted to, we can set out to capture their love by giving ours first. We may suppress our needs a bit, we maybe be careful in telling someone we have needs because we fear them running off on us and leaving us. Sort of recreating a childhood experience. We believe we must try, never give up on someone, and push our own needs aside.

This pattern seems to attract a certain pattern as well. A person who avoids deeper intimacy and attachment. That person fears it, so they repress it, denying they have those needs. But they are human, so they do look for connection. Someone who loves first and subjugates her own demands is a perfect fit for awhile at least. You will provide all the intimacy in the relationship for both of you. But eventually the person who loves first begins to feel neglected, ignored, not appreciated, you name it.

And when the intimacy avoidant senses your desire for more closeness, they run.

Now, why the strong connection? You understand rationally and intellectually that this man is not good for you. But emotionally? Remember this goes very deep. You may have learned to capture love by being more giving. So your heightened emotional response to this man is simply your strong desire to receive some love back, perhaps love you may have felt you were owed long ago. The intensity is the "chase". You chase him for love and he runs. It creates some type of deep bonding that looks familiar to you.

When separated it is like an addiction withdrawal. The bond is severed.

Now, this man looks to me to fear attachment. You will never be able to close that gap. No matter how much love you give, it will not matter. He will push away and he may treat you very poorly because he wants to distance himself. It is a defense mechanism for him, to prevent closeness.

And, your intimacy and love needs will never be fulfilled with a man like this. Never. You have your heart on a sleeve and his is locked away. I know it is isn't easy, but with time, this longing can subside. Now for some, the loneliness is difficult to bear because it can cause us to look at ourselves unfavorably and bring up some darker things that we believe about ourselves.

So self-love, self-compassion is important. Find ways to boost yourself. Use friends and others for closeness. Tell yourself good things and do not pay attention to the inner critic, it lies.

In the end understand that you deserve someone who will meet your needs. They are out there. Do not give up on what you think is boring. That is just someone who is secure, honest, and has no desire to play games or engage in drama. In the long run, you will be happier with a man like this.

Thanks very much for your help.

I have contacted a therapist now and i'm hoping to be able to see my ex for whom he really is rather than the act he plays so well.. I need to let go somehow because this is tearing on me so, so much.
It is insane how feelings can stay even when you know in your mind that someone is a really bad person, or maybe it's just me who is crazy. I'll found out soon enough lol.