Destructive Coping Mechanism? Any advice?

I am currently 19 days into 'No Contact' with my ex. The 2 year long distance relationship was very tumultuous with a cycle of him suddenly telling me he couldn't be in contact with me anymore. He would 'ghost' me for a month or so and then come back more devoted and loving than ever.

This is the first time I have managed to stick to the 'no contact' rule. When he had his last sudden change of heart some weeks ago, I decided that I needed to take some control of the situation. I gave him until midnight on 31st October to say anything he wanted/needed to say and then there would be no further contact between us. He said goodbye and that was the last communication we had.

Previously when he would ignore me I would humiliate myself with my behaviour. Sending streams of long, ranting messages, constantly calling and leaving messages on his answer phone which ranged from weeping and begging to sarcastic and angry. I would be obsessed with him, watching his social media accounts, hatching plots in my mind to make him talk to me.

Every time he ignored me, I would feel ashamed and embarrassed at how I had cried like a toddler, a child having a tantrum. Then I would try to contact him to apologise for my behaviour and be ignored which would then cycle into obsession and childish behaviour on my part again. And then he'd be back and blindly I believed each time it would be for good. I sort of can't believe that it came as such a shock every time that he broke it off since looking back it was almost as regular as clockwork. It's just that there would never be an argument or a reason for his decision. Everything would seem to be fine then suddenly......bam! Not fine. All over.

I am proud of myself for not contacting him but I am unsure if my coping mechanism is healthy and/or sustainable.Of course I get the urge to contact him frequently each day. The way I stop myself from doing so is to think of something hurtful he said or did and make myself angry at him. Then I feel like I am punishing him by not contacting him.

The thing is, I want to be a happy person, a positive person but having to resort to making myself bitter to keep up my willpower is tiring and I am finding it harder to go there. I'm exhausting every thing he did to upset me (and there was a lot to work with!) to where I am having to conjure up imaginary scenarios or over exaggerating real ones.

This has been the way I have dealt with break ups my whole life and I am 42 and there's a few people I absolutely feel utter revulsion upon even hearing their name.

How do you keep your resolve without the negativity? I don't want to hate him but it's the only way I feel like I don't want to talk to him. I can convince myself that I am the one ignoring him although I know well he has no urge to speak to me anyway.I really need some tools! Help!

I don't think that we really ever get good at this no matter our age or how many times it has happened to us.
Feelings just are. You need to process this and deal with it best you can. I know that it is a flood of hurt at times.
Don't do this alone. Find distraction. Be with people that you can confide in or lose yourself with.
This is a difficult time of year (holidays) to deal with loss. We don't feel like celebrating or understanding the reason for the season.
I forget to play when I get all serious and that defeats me. Coping by numbing-out with alcohol and drugs aren't an option for me. Best of luck to you.