Looking for outside perspectives

Thanks xdude.

In the couple days I had to think, I realized that I was wrong for thinking I deserved to know where she was and who she was with. That's not what this relationship is. I am over-complicating things, obviously. She came to me after six months (which were supposed to be permanent) and when she did, I remember my first thought was "Oh brother, here we go again". And as a result, I put little care into our interactions. The sex is what led me to believe I had a right to know and influence what she is doing in her other time. I can't control it. She will do what she is going to do. I should accept that I will only be with her when I am with her. And apparently that is once every couple of weeks and I am lucky I get even that. I will only go nuts If I try to find out the truth about her. I should just enjoy what I get and live my life outside of the time I spend with her. That's what she does.

So I've vowed to myself that I will hang out with her or talk to her only if she initiates it. I can't continue to put myself out there. That only makes this more complicated and less desirable. I mean even then she just called me twice tonight and I didn't feel any good reason to pick up. I'll just have to play this game and see what I get.

Hey Dexace35,

You won't be the first or last person to feel that as this is a sexual relationship, you wanted this to be an exclusive/permanent relationship. There is no right or wrong to wanting this, it's just the way many of us are wired.

Accepting that this is a part time relationship, sex now and then, can work if it really does work for you too. As usual the main thing is to be honest with yourself. If you find it really isn't working, okay too.

Hey all, haven been here on the forum for several years.

Was just reading my posts and revisiting how messed up I was over this girl. Just to update, the last time I hung out and had sex with her was 2/28/17. She then ghosted me and when I saw her again a couple months later, she said she was back with her boyfriend from the beginning of my story. I then arranged a meeting at a park where we basically had a hours long coming out about how she lied to me for 3 years and we agreed to never talk again. Was a weird, but relieving feeling. But I still worked with her. After a few months on not talking, I saw yet another guy picking her up from work every night. Long story short, I found out she was having sex with him, told her one of us had to find a new job, she did, I never saw her again, and as far as I can tell, she lost all ties with everyone from that period of 2010 to 2018. I know where she lives now, which is only about 5 minutes away, but I'm happy to say it's been so long since I've seen or talked to her that the emotions just dont hit me the same as they did. I was at a point I even told her if I saw her with another dude that I'd ruin her life. Since then it kinda seems like she did that for herself and she gained a lot of weight. So even if I do happen to see her in public, my heart might drop a little bit, but at the same time I might not recognize her.

It's been almost 4 years since I've seen or talked to her, and I haven't even touched another woman since. Been having that itch to hang out and try to have sex or relationships with girls but I'm just too comfortable not getting hurt anymore. So I guess I'll just wait for it to come to me

Hello and welcome back! Glad to hear the update, we appreciate it.

Glad that you're in a much better place regarding her. It does sound as if she pretty much messed everything she had up- fortunately that's her problem (and whoever she's with) and not yours!

Far as being with another girl- it seems to be one of those contradictory things where you have to put yourself out there but at the same time, not force it. But you go with what you're comfortable doing. When you're ready, you'll know it. Relationships are always going to be a crap shoot, I think.

Saying that she messed up would be an understatement. As far as I can tell from what I've heard, this is what happened after I stopped talking to her and she quit working where I work:

She got another job and about a week later, she tried to come back to her old job and they gave her a big fat no thanks. She continued having sex with that new guy and her actual boyfriend finally found out she had another boyfriend this time (kinda like what happened to me) and he was the one she couldn't afford to lose. So at some point, she dropped everything and moved to the other side of the country to try and start a new life and that did not work. She deleted her social media accounts, and at some point came back home to the place she hates, but now she has nobody from before. She lost them all. I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised if she had attempted suicide and or had a stay at the hospital due to everything that happened. She was a pretty out there person and it was really strange she just disappeared from the face of the earth.

I just recently I discovered she made new social media accounts, so I guess she made it through. But it is pretty clear she had to start all over.

It was funny that after doing all this reading and talking about my past with her, last night she was in my dream. I was laying on the couch and she curled up next to me and put her head on my chest. I said "oh he11 no, we are not going down that road again", and I kicked her out of my house. haha, pretty good dream for having not dreamt about her for a very long time. To think this woman was my everything 5 years ago. A lot of scorn and time healed me up pretty good.

Update:

I finally saw her again last Friday. The last time I saw her was September of 2017, so almost 4 years now. Now, we used to work together at a home improvement store, and long story short, after everything went bad, I told her I was getting a new job, which I did, but really I just reduced my days at the home center to only the days she didn't work and I've maintained that schedule ever since. She left the place around September 2017 and everything I stated above happened.

I don't know if she ever knew I didn't leave the home center. But I saw her the other day. She was with her sister buying some stuff and I rang her out. Her sister was the primary interaction. I knew her sister enough to know it was the sister and I think the sister knew it was me, but the whole interaction was just as if we were all strangers. My ex lover kinda hung back and was just watching me, and we made eye contact a couple times. It was just weird, but also not weird. We both looked at each others eyes, lifelessly and when the transaction was over, I handed her sister the receipt and my ex said "have a good day" in a very lifeless way, and I didn't say anything back.

Very strange interaction, but I feel it went the way I would have wanted it to. Like hey I haven't seen you in 4 years and I really really don't like you... But I remember we used to do the nasty all the time. And I didn't say one word to her, but we looked each other in the eyes a couple times. Amazing how feelings can get communicated just through eye contact. She was not happy to see me and I was not happy to see her. But really it has been long enough that the animosity between us had died. We both said some very rough things to each other at the end of our relationship. I wasn't sure I'd ever physically see her again, and almost surprised I did. But glad it went the way it did.