Looking for outside perspectives

I met this girl two years ago to the date and we've had a love/lust relationship ever since. Our relationship can easily be broken into different segments.

November 2014, She had a boyfriend of 4 years, but we had sex a lot (without going into detail it is hard to explain how this happened, but this story would otherwise be a book) We both had feelings. She called it off with me after a few months, but later screwed up and broke up with him... It had to do with me.

March 2015, After that we tried for just a couple of weeks to be boyfriend girlfriend. That did not work.

August 2015, After a few months away, we started to have sex again. Sex was very infrequent and there was always an emotional reluctance between us. This caused major trust issues in me. I still thought she was trying to make things right with her ex while retaining me.

March 2016, My lack of trust is what kept us distanced. Although there was a break in sex for a couple months, there later was a good spike in sexual and emotional activity. (for the record I refer to sex as a representation of strong feelings) This was good for me because I felt like I had her again and I was sure the old relationship was for sure over. Still there were major trust issues.

May 2016, She tells me she is interested in a totally new guy and I blew up. I deleted her from my life. We didn't speak for 6 months. We've occasionally seen each other around.

October 2016, lately she has contacted me. For what, I don't know for sure. Obviously my trust is at an all time low. Just as with the other times, I find myself obsessive over finding out if I can trust her. She only hangs out with this one guy who she refers to as like a brother.

This is where the real issue lies with me. This man who I only see in passing, according to her, has a problem with me. I see the guy often enough and he looks at me like he could kill me if I touched her. ( I used to look at other guys like this when I was with her).

So I don't know her intentions really are at this point. If the past record is an indicator, she wants to start another cycle. Which, as sad as it is to me, I want to. This is my only opportunity right now.

Problem is, this guy who she refers to as like her brother is with her practically every night. I talked to her yesterday and said we need to set aside some time on Monday to get together and have some real talk. Honestly It sounds like so far this guy is emotionally abusive to her because he doesn't like me (why, I still don't know) and makes her feel like she can't talk to me because of our history and I think the guy could be hostile if anything ever happened.

In my mind this guy needs to butt out. He is putting himself between me and her when this is between me and her. The guy has no business.

Also If it comes down to Monday and she lets me down and I find out she is with him again, I may lose it.

I don't seem to have much control over my interactions with her, as well as she does not with me. The reason I want to talk to her is so we can alleviate some of the major issues that have built up over our relationship. After that, I don't know, because, save, me, I still love her. But I can throw her farther than I can trust her.

Kind of wondering if the trust issue is my fault.

Dexace35,

She had a 4 year boyfriend but had a lot of sex with you. That would be pretty fine if it was an open relationship, well accepted by all involved. But that's certainly not the case, right? So, wasn't she cheating on him? From the get-go, you had the proof of how she treats her partners.

Now this new guy is with her every night, he looks at you with hostility, and you still believe he is just "like an brother", only because she said that? No, she is deceiving you, and probably him too.

I guess this is the first significant emotional connection you have with a girl and you are very inexperienced with this. This could explain why you are having such a hard time noticing the obvious, that she cannot be trusted! I think you miss her so much that you are fooling yourself all the time to convince yourself that things could work between you and her.

It is not of my duty to judge your choices. If you want to try getting along with her, fine. I honestly don't see a problem if being close to her despite this treatment makes you happy. You have all the right to try. But please do not fool yourself. She will never be someone you can trust.

My current partner is very impulsive, her mood wobbles a lot, she hates me then she is all in love, and this is extreme because she has a mental disorder (BPD), but yet she would never cheat on me. I'd rather get punched on the face than get deceived like that. I don't think it is possible to feel safe with someone who has no qualms to lie to you. I feel safer with my current partner that can spank me, break stuff and wish I was dead, than with my ex-wife who could "hold her $#%^" if needed but was a hopeless liar.

You probably have your insecurities and they may impact in whatever relationship you have, but this will never be an excuse for someone to deceive you. You might only be able to understand how bad this is and separate your issues from her issues when you have a relationship with someone different.

Good luck.

PsyHealer wrote:So, wasn't she cheating on him?

This is true. It has a bigger affect on current relations than I ever thought it would. I have rejected the validity of this in the past because she kept coming back to me and she made it seem like I was the solution to her past relationship shortcomings every time. In hindsight it seems she only had sex with me because she literally couldn't help it mentally. I have the roughest time trying to understand this, but I never will.

PsyHealer wrote:Now this new guy is with her every night, he looks at you with hostility, and you still believe he is just "like an brother", only because she said that? No, she is deceiving you, and probably him too.

I may have written that wrong. The new guy she was interested in rejected her. Still, her being interested in that guy was enough for me to blow up.

The guy she has hung out with lately is the one she refers to as her brother. They have a strange relationship. They hang out a lot and he is the one who looks at me with that eye. She tells me there are no feelings and he probably is closer to her sister which there is social media evidence to support this. She says he is very protective, which I don't understand why. This is probably my fault for exiting her life for six months.

I did see her tonight and we talked about this topic. She assured me there was no sex. This I believed 80% already cause the guy is fat and unappealing and tonight she had nothing but negative things to say about him. And further assuring my self, she lives with her parents and is "not allowed" to have people over past midnight. He has never been there past 1, whereas I regularly stayed over till 4 in the morning doing the nasty.

PsyHealer wrote:I guess this is the first significant emotional connection you have with a girl and you are very inexperienced with this. This could explain why you are having such a hard time noticing the obvious, that she cannot be trusted! I think you miss her so much that you are fooling yourself all the time to convince yourself that things could work between you and her.

You are 100% correct in the first sentence. You are speaking to me in the second sentence, and I really can't be sure about the last thought.

PsyHealer wrote:My current partner is very impulsive, her mood wobbles a lot, she hates me then she is all in love, and this is extreme because she has a mental disorder (BPD), but yet she would never cheat on me. I'd rather get punched on the face than get deceived like that. I don't think it is possible to feel safe with someone who has no qualms to lie to you. I feel safer with my current partner that can spank me, break stuff and wish I was dead, than with my ex-wife who could "hold her $#%^" if needed but was a hopeless liar.

This girl has Bipolar Disorder which I don't know whether to take as a serious explanation for her actions, or a cop out. I just don't know, I can't relate to something as serious as Bipolar Disorder.

Like I said, what happened tonight would be a turning point. She did not let me down tonight like I thought she would. I picked her up from work and went to her house. Then we took a walk and talked about most of the stuff I wanted to. Only thing I'm disappointed about is she said she is not interested in sex and I can sense her disappointment we cannot move on from having a sexual relationship.

Funny thing is she received some lube and sex toys in the mail today and had no problem informing me that her holes are tight. That's just how you get a guy to lay off This would be a perfect example of the cognitive dissonance I am experiencing... Six months off and no hesitation talking about the parts I want, yet will not accept advancement.

So what did I accomplish by taking this walk with her? I think almost nothing.

Dex,

As an effort to provide you with a better advice, I took the time to read your previous post from that women that worked with you last year. From the dates, I'm assuming it is the same woman.

I don't think people with bipolar have control of when will they go down or up. If you thought she would let you down right over her birthday and she did, this does not seem to be due to bipolarity. Unless she has become depressed through her entire birthday, which I'm assuming is not the case.

The last thing you said about her not wanting sex then right after sharing with you details about her vagina and sex toys, could be manipulation rather than cognitive dissonance. When she met you maybe she detected that you were not filly open, not willing to assume full compromise, so she denied sex, but at the same time tries to make you horny about her. Once she feels like you are all in her hands she will probably reward you with terrific sex.

It seems to me that your suffering is because you have weaknesses due to emotional wounds from past (probably childhood), which she is exploring with cruelty. If you don't see the cruelty of her behavior, then this is probably the reason why you suffer so much. You blame yourself for things that she did. You have plenty of online resources to read more about lack of empathy as in personality disorders like BPD, HPD and ASPD, and I think understanding that that could open your eyes.

My HPD-ex had some cruelty, but it was easy to spot because her behavior was very artificial and she had admitted having issues and being on meds since the beginning of the relationship. Though it was very difficult to spot the cruelty of my first long term partner because I was inexperienced. Only now I know that normal people don't get to those extremes in taking revenge due to jealousy or whatever. My current BPD partner's behavior is the most difficult one to judge as bad, because one day she threatens my life (like yesterday) and the other day she is all normal (like today), but that does not excuse her for being so cruel and abusive when she is in rage, because she does cause a lot of harm for me and and feels good later.

But I had a dream today, that I was knowing many new people, and I didn't care for her. I hope that dream turns into a reality.

Thank you for the effort.

I actually realized I did learn a lot from taking that walk with her. I Learned that I am now able to go a while without contacting her without going crazy. The problem before was I felt very insecure about who she was hanging out with and what she was doing, and the silence associated with that was killing me.

I actually feel okay now and the next step is to allow some space and let her make the next move. I communicated my intentions to her and it is up to her whether she wants to entertain them.

Just to be clear, I have no intentions of dating this woman, having a relationship, being together, or having kids. I used to have these feelings strongly, but now I would be stupid to believe any of this could happen.

This should be an indicator for me to let it go. I've tried so many times, but this chick is hot, very appealing, the sex is great, and she is physically just what turns me on. If only she wasn't a destructive human being...

Dex,

My current partner is also super hot, big breasts, thin waist/wrist/ankle, smooth/shinny skin, did the stuff I liked, sleep cuddling together, etc. At first, because of her unreliable moods, I chose other girl to be my gf instead of her, but ended up hanging out more with her, because she was more available and always willing to make greater efforts, which other girls wouldn't (at least not so easily).

Then months later when I had moved and was going through a hard time, I ended up bringing her to my place with the excuse that we would to work together on the stuff I sold, and then she would find better job opportunities on my city. That was an excuse for both, because on reality we wanted to be together.

I always thought it would be easy for me, emotionally, to break up when needed, but then I realized that the word "break up" resulted in her rage attack with screaming and breaking of stuff. And the most surprising part was that soon later I always treated her sweetly and made up things with her again. I'm not sure if I was giving in to avoid more problems or if the drama turned me up, but anyway one year later I started realizing I was in love, etc. My logical brain has always told me she was ruining my well-being, but even after I sent her away, shortly after I always invited her back. And years later made her pregnant, and now with the newborn around I have obligations, financial at least.

So... You may think that all you want is sex, but you are fooling yourself. Your sexual attraction is not only due to her nice body. That would not have driven you to post here. It is mostly due to the feelings you have for her. For some reason, having contact with her and being around her, is very pleasurable for you, including being her only intimate partner. You'll be in less internal conflict and more under control of your behavior when you realize/assume that. And it is also a good idea to assume your internal feelings for her, the good and the bad, letting her know the pain you go through too. This way she might have a bit more of respect towards you.

I look at our history and refer to that as proof we both feel something. I just would be an idiot to submit into thinking we could make a real future out of that.

Since we got together on Monday she has texted or called me each night. Although I replied, the conversation has been dull. Maybe this is still a step in the right direction since before there was no contact.

Still slightly confused, but this has become something I can handle for at least a little bit.

Thanks for the help!

I will be back.

I told her what I wanted and she told me she thought having sex would be a bad idea, then like two days later she is throwing herself on me. I kind of wanted to treat this process slowly and sensitively. My friends asked me over thanksgiving if anything would happen and I said "Realistically I think by Christmas, or it isn't happening." Then a week later here we go. The confusing part is I haven't been the one to initiate anything physical.

I'm not complaining, I'm just surprised or confused as to why she suddenly changed her mind, or gave up resisting.

After the first time she asked me "why does this happen every time we hang out?" Then the next time, she is heavy on the kissing and flirting and the sex was much hotter.

Weird thing is since we had sex again, we haven't contacted each other except to arrange a time. Kind of like we are conditioned not to talk to each other, but now we are having sex. Now, I'm keeping this in perspective; we have only barely been talking for 6 weeks and have had sex only twice in the past 8 days or so. This is why I'm not texting or calling her crazily because I want to extract every bit of information out of her. I think I have accepted this is not worth hoping for.

But this is great. I am a man who has no perspective lovers and nothing better to do than to entertain this destructive woman who doesn't love me. For as long as I haven't trusted her, and for how I don't know who she sees or what she does in her free time, at least I can hold the fact that I'm banging her over her and whom ever else she might be fooling.

Edit: As cynical as I can be about this, I have some good feelings about it.

#1 the sex is awesome and I am super attracted to her.

#2 I don't have to have sex with her every time for it to be enjoyable. As long as we have sex or she cooks, it is worth my time. If both happen, it is a great night.

#3 as frustrating as her personality is, when she is with me, that frustration really turns me on.

#4 I actually just like her neighborhood and house a lot. I feel more at home where she lives kind of in a slightly rougher neighborhood. It is a very comfy old house. Kinda trashy, but just comfy enough.

So I do enjoy this, it is just the mass majority of time that I am not with her that is the problem.

How unhealthy could this be for me?

I need someone to chime in. I don't live very far from her and I've developed a bad habit of driving past her house sometimes twice a day to see if she is there and what she texts me or says to me is true. She disappears on the weekends and since I've identified that pattern, I've been very aggressive asking her where she's at, what she's doing. In all honesty, I don't know, but my suspicions are taking over. I am totally split as to whether to believe her benign explanations, or let my gut feeling dictate my actions. I am very close to confronting her about how she seems to live two different lives. Granted, I am reluctant because this will do me no good.

She is always at her parents house Monday-Thursday and she initiates contact during the week. Most of the time she is alone, and then sometimes I am there and sometimes her friend is there. But on the weekends there is never any evidence of her being there, on top of her being completely silent. I always have to text or call her on the weekend and when I do I get a "I'm getting ready for sleep" or she says things that don't really answer my questions of where you are or who you are with.

Part of me feels like I'm totally crazy and obsessive, and then the other part of me feels totally justified in my actions because her behavior dictates it. She also asked me what I want for Christmas and I just layed it all out there like she should probably get me all these things but at the same time I feel she doesn't deserve a damn thing. If anything a lump of coal.

Hey Dexace35,

You clearly know your quandary, why you keep going back, why this relationship is hurtful too.

I think you also know that when we have idolized someone, or are getting something positive out of the relationship, or even if there is just a belief we may get something of it it... we can end up ignoring all else that doesn't align, or make arguments to ourselves to try and make pieces fit that just don't.

It can be difficult to let go too, because as long as you are somewhat involved, it can feel like you have some input into what she does next... it can be hard to face the possibility that you really don't. That her goals are her goals and while she may include you here and there, her intent is to fulfill what she wants, and harder to consider still, what she wants is not what you want.

A difficult thing to do is to put aside what the person is telling you in the moment, and to take an honest look, eyes wide open, at what they actually do, and historically what they have done.

One bit of advice along those lines... be wary of those who tell you 'my trust worthiness is dependent on your trust in me'. This is absolute nonsense, but it works to manipulate others, and avoid actually being trustworthy. She either has the character of being driven by the fundamental belief that being trustworthy is a personal goal, and acts that way whether or not you are there to praise her for it, or she doesn't. Not everyone does. If she doesn't, she'll have her excuse for what she really wants to do.

It's very difficult to see the negatives when we are strong believers that it is our responsibility to bring out the positives in our partner, but it's not our responsibility, and when that's our belief system, we can easily end up attracting (and being attracted too) people who play on that belief.
If that's the case here, you are the one who will end up hurt, while it will never enter her mind that your feelings matter. They do, every bit as much as hers.