Do people really need people?

Hi All.

I’m new here and I was hoping I might be able to get a discussion going that might help me understand myself a bit better and work through some negative feelings that are manifesting. Firstly, I accept that there is a possibility I’m suffering from a degree of both anxiety and depression. I’ve seen doctors, therapists and psychiatrists with both issues before and I do feel I’m suffering mildly but, frankly, it seems most people are suffering from some degree of anxiety and depression these days so I don’t see those factors as impacting considerably on my current mind frame. My hubby and I have had a few very hard years with him being out of work for the majority of the time and us having almost lost our home as a result. ‘Luckily’ my parents decided to sell the family home and move in with us to save our home. Realistically it’s big enough for the 4 or us anyway. My mother is very domineering though so I’m fretting that I’ve sold my soul to the devil by agreeing to this arrangement… not that we really had any choice. Mum’s had a lifelong ambition of us being best friends just like she dreamt as a young expectant mother finding out she was going to have the daughter she always wanted. I think I’ve been a MASSIVE disappointment in this scenario – I’ve always been fiercely independent and a complete tomboy!! Anyhow, when my husband is working, he works away so I often spent weeks on end alone – well with the exception of when I’m at work but even then I keep to myself. I realise there is a definite underlying concern right now that my mother is going to cause me a lot of grief in the near future when they are properly moved into our house.

I have quite a lot of friends although I wouldn’t say we’re particularly close (which I accept is my own fault as I don’t socialise). I’ve had a very comfortable, stable life up until the last few years and I’ve never moved far from where I grew up. A large number of my friends have been in my life for 20-30 years. I realise that I have had a very blessed life and, ultimately, I will be viewed as being very lucky to many but I struggle to see it a lot of the time.

So here’s the thing… as I’ve got older (I’m 43 now), I’ve found myself less and less willing to have anything to do with people – be it my friends or my family. The only person I have a close relationship with is my husband but even though he might be away for weeks at a time, I rarely feel lonely. I’m generally quite happy at home by myself with our two dogs. The fact is that socialising stresses me. I suffer a bit of agoraphobia but always feel that people are have all these expectations of me and I feel under pressure to have to try and meet them. People exhaust me and I detest the drama’s they bring into my life. I get nervous, anxious and angry around people. And yet I constantly get bombarded with this expectation that I ‘should’ want people around, I ‘should’ be grateful for them visiting, I ‘should’ look forward to social occasions and I ‘should’ want help to deal with my anti-social issues! I do wonder whether my reluctance to get involved with people is due to a self-protection mechanism as in, if I don’t get close to them then they can’t hurt me, but I don’t feel like my hermit lifestyle is due to fear of being hurt… I feel more like its due to wanting to avoid the stress, drama and obligation that comes with relationships. See, I never ask anyone for ANYTHING but they all seem quite happy to expect me to want to be there to support and assist them be it mentally, physically or emotionally at the drop of a hat.

What if I actually LOVE my own company and what if I actually don’t NEED people in my life? Does this make me weird, wrong, sick?? I actually feel guilty because I feel like I’m upsetting people by wanting to be by myself but I don’t understand why it should be anyone else’s problem and why should they care anyway? Why can’t we all just live and let live? Why can’t they understand that I’m fine on my own and just leave me alone? Is there something wrong with me?

Just a personal opinion -

I don't think there is anything wrong with you preferring limited socialization, but do understand the pressure. It's rather like you should...

a.) Want to have children
b.) Want to be wealthy (or you should want to live without material things)
c.) Want to be heterosexual
d.) Etc. Etc.

Because ... "I want that". Yes, people confuse what they want for themselves with what others should want, and while they really believe this, they also tend to be entirely closed minded to they are confusing what they want with absolute truth about what everyone should want.

Your enjoyment of being alone may be outside the 'norm', but it's also normal that not everyone fits the norm. On the extreme end some want constant socialization, while others on the other end want limited socialization. All good.

One thing you wrote that really caught my eye is that you are use to people demanding x, y, z of you. It happens and for those of us who tended to cave in, to put ourselves second to keep others happy, it also does happen sometimes that later in life we grow weary of it, avoid people as we fear others will overwhelm us with demands.

All that aside, I think your only real question then is do you feel you are missing out? If not, then while others may complain you aren't meeting more of their wants, you have the right to be happy too.

People do need people but probably not as much as most people think.

When we develop we form ideas which need to be tested against the "norm" to see if expressing those ideas will be acceptable in society; wanting to wander around with your genitals hanging out is one thing, doing it will get you banned from the library.

Our personalities form into what we become based on these interactions and we are more than we would be on our own. In effect, we become an accumulation of the person we are and the effects of our environment including the people in our lives.

So, we need other people to form our personalities and we form relationships because constantly being able to bounce ideas and discuss topics helps us to maintain a more objective view of our perceptions.

So, yes, you do need people and more so if you are suffering from a mental illness because your perceptions will be compromised by whatever it is that's f*cking you up.

What we don't need is the level of attachment that some seem to cling to. We do not need to be constantly attached to people 24/7. In fact, we need time to process our own thoughts alone so that we can form a measure of how we think compared to how our thoughts are interpreted by others.

When people have an issue which affects their perception (e.g. depression) then they are probably going to fall into one of two camps:

1./ I'm useless on my own and can't manage without someone helping me - I need people constantly.
2./ Other people are happy and they don't know what I'm going through which makes it difficult to communicate and makes me stressed so I'll pull away and be on my own; other people are crap.

Neither one is balanced.

justonemoreperson wrote:1./ I'm useless on my own and can't manage without someone helping me - I need people constantly.
2./ Other people are happy and they don't know what I'm going through which makes it difficult to communicate and makes me stressed so I'll pull away and be on my own; other people are crap.

Neither one is balanced.

2 cents opinion, but I personally agree with this. These are extremes.

Also depending on what culture, or sub-culture, you live in, some place a high value on extroversion, others more on introversion. Depending on what you read, and whose opinions you value, some argue around 50% of us are introverts by nature. Introverts in cultures that value extroverts can feel out of place and end up depressed, though there really is nothing wrong introverts.