Sick of feeling bad about myself

I really want any advice on what might be going on with my husband. I'm trying really hard to make the marriage work and haven't wanted to give up on it but it's never been easy since the beginning... My husband focuses a lot on me being angry. If there's a disagreement or a misunderstanding, it's usually that I am not understanding him. The word anger comes up in every conversation. I've never had anyone focus so much on me being angry and I consider myself to be a peaceful person. I even really enjoyed the last time he spent the day out because I had a whole day of a break of not hearing about my anger. I am starting to think it's more about him than me. I get along with other people and enjoy other people's company, even strangers cheer me up talking to me sometimes... Why does he always need to tell me I am angry when I'm not? It's very frustrating

Have you spoken to him about it? Have you asked him to explain why he thinks you're angry? Are you passive aggressive or have a different tone with him then you do when speaking with others? Do you find him frustrating and irritating in general?

Dear leiladream,

I don't know if you are really being angry at him or if it is something else. But either way you must know that it is perfectly ok to feel angry. Anger, like all other feelings, has it's usage and importance. We have the right to feel whatever we wish. What matters is how we behave.

Anger can motivate us and has played a very important role in critical moments of my life. Some anger here and there within an intimate relationship can create sexual tension, making things more interesting.

Excessive anger may drive us to make things we will regret later, but what makes it really worse is when we feel shame for the way we felt. For instance, sometimes my BPD partner makes me angry, then as a result I become impatient and harsh with the kids, but when I cool off I'm not ashamed about the way I felt. So once I have a long talk to them explaining that when I become like that it was not their fault, I am just angry, and I said I was sorry for those moments.

So try to forgive yourself for any anger you might possible have. So if he says you are angry,you won't feel bad, even if he was just gaslighting you.

One more thing... I was thinking, this is an advice that goes to your husband and also for myself (because my partner suffers from BPD).

For those who have a child having trouble with math and already feels bad about it, it is unhelpful to just keep telling your child something like "you did a mistake again". Instead, you must show acceptance of the child's difficulty, give as many chances as the child needs, and find appropriate moments to point out exactly what was calculated wrong. Then when the child is ready to listen, you may show, if needed, better ways of doing it, in a way the child understands.

In an analog way, if you think your wife is having trouble controlling her anger, it is unhelpful to just tell her she is angry. This is to judging her for her feelings. Instead, you should show acceptance of her temper, give her opportunities to cool off, and find appropriate moments to point out exactly what words or actions she did that were not cool. Then when she is open to listen, you may provide, if needed, examples of better ways of expressing herself or acting out, in a way she comprehends.

My husband is really hard to talk to. He doesn't listen to me and if I talk about anything that is referring to him or our relationship, he tells me I'm starting again and walks out the door. I feel stuck and am starting to prefer spending less time with him because the comments that he makes sound resentful but he refuses to talk openly with me because of my anger. I am preferring to go to meetings and do stuff on my own more now, and he goes out a lot by himself. We disagree on so many things. We've only been married a couple of months but I didn't think it would be this stressful and hard. He is a lot of work to deal with and I feel tired of the situation but I don't wanna give up on him. He has nobody else in his life to talk to except me. I hope it gets better but I don't know what will help.

Looks like both of you aren't getting what you expected to get from this marriage.

I can relate to him. I think you both should try talking by text. Find out which is the form of text message he feels most comfortable in replying (email, whatsapp, sms, paper, etc) and when does he have time for that. Send the first message making sure it is short and interesting to read/reply. Don't add anything that could be stressing in your first message. His replies will be a thermometer of how is he receiving them, as pleasurable or stressful. Later you may ask him to make at least a short reply indicating he has read it. But don't try to pressure him to reply. Don't make it an obligation.

In case you or him have little patience in writing, you could try asynchronous voice messages. This means you'll record a message, send it, and he does not have to hear it or reply immediately. This can be very easily done through widespread cell phone instant messaging software, were you can mix text messages.

With time, you both may learn more effective ways of communicating with each other and adapt.

An intermediate step before advancing into real-time conversation would be to download a good "walkie talkie" software in your cell phones. It's like a real-time conversation were both can talk at the same time but you never get interrupted, because you aren't listening the other part while you talk. Messages get stored an can be listened as you wish. I used one named "Zello".

Finally, if you can afford, couples therapy is a good thing to try. Did not work for me because she always dysregulated during therapy sessions and by the time they weren't aware that she was looking through a BPD lens. But it could work for you.

If it is too stressful for either of you to be together in the therapy room even with professional intermediation, then you can try to alternate with the same therapist. This is something that only works if you are not accusing each other and providing conflicting versions of what has been happening. One of you should be trusted to update the therapist about all recent events.

Please try those things. Find out some way of communicating. Be proactive in making your marriage a success. Good luck.