What is this??? *may trigger*

Seangel wrote:I understand. Sometimes... we ourselves don't understand the reasons why we stay.

I've read some people with certain disorders like psychopathy and BPD and others are really alluring, so it is easy to get hooked. He might also have fulfilled certain need inside and that kept you going back.

I've read that we seek to fulfill our primal needs, those we felt during childhood and were not met. Or maybe he's reminding you of something from childhood and you are linking that behavior with love. You could also be compartmentalizing and forgetting his bad behavior when he is being nice.

Any how, look more into the disorder, and understand better how partners are treated, so that you can develop tools to being able to say no, to fulfill whatever need he's fulfilling so that he doesn't get to treat you like that ever again.

Putting a time limit to your conversations is humiliating. Talking to someone you care is a present, not something that has a time limit. And he's not careful at all with your feelings. So, take care of yourself, and whenever you feel like it, come and talk in the forums.

Take care.

Sea

Yes, that went on for quite a while, he would for example count 3, 2, 1 and hang up. He would tell me my time was over and he would simply hang up without even saying good bye or anything. One day I asked for 10 minutes to talk, he gave me 4 instead. Of course, when I got on the phone I was angry, frustrated and when he saw me like that he would hang up saying I was always complaining and nagging and that is when he said that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn't give me 8. He told me I was very bad at managing the little time I had (the little time he gave me). He would tell me I needed to structure and plan my talk before talking (I suppose so that I wouldn't waste the little time he gave me....my God, only writing this now is making me cry, it is so low, so cruel, so evil so humiliating......)

Then many times when we were talking on Skype he would just sit there while he played his online games or while he was chatting away to others (obviously not listening to me at all) or other times he went to bed and fell asleep and he would tell me I needed to talk about interesting and new things, that I was boring.....so many times I told him that it wasn't about me giving an entertaining speech as if he was the audience, that conversation flows between the 2 people.....

Sorry, but there were so many red flags in your very first conversations with him that I think you may need to seek therapy just to figure out why the heck you ever went to see this guy in person at all! He TOLD you he was a really messed up jerk who had no intention of treating you with any inkling of respect... Ditch him! This whole post reads like the part in the horror movies where they always go up the stairs, or into the basement instead of out the front door to the car.... There ARE good guys out there. Even if there weren't, being single is great compared to wasting your life with an A-hole like that guy. You don't need him. At all.

You are lucky that he didn't kill you and leave you in a dumpster in an alley somewhere! Block him, and for gods sake, stop texting him, or crying over him, this guy is a psycho! RUN!

Might I add, that it wouldn't be a bad idea to get a restraining order against him or whatever the equivalent would be in your country.

hurtingbadly wrote:he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf.... he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn't want to talk about..... He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. ....

I have to agree with previous posters here. Enforce no contact by any means necessary, and get this moron out of your head and heart as soon as possible. Life is too short to chase people that treat us like dirt. Take care of yourself and keep moving forward. Brighter days ahead

hurtingbadly wrote:Yes, that went on for quite a while, he would for example count 3, 2, 1 and hang up. He would tell me my time was over and he would simply hang up without even saying good bye or anything. One day I asked for 10 minutes to talk, he gave me 4 instead. Of course, when I got on the phone I was angry, frustrated and when he saw me like that he would hang up saying I was always complaining and nagging and that is when he said that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn't give me 8. He told me I was very bad at managing the little time I had (the little time he gave me). He would tell me I needed to structure and plan my talk before talking (I suppose so that I wouldn't waste the little time he gave me....my God, only writing this now is making me cry, it is so low, so cruel, so evil so humiliating......)

I'm sorry you are hurting this way.

He's a total jerk. Communication flows between people. He's so humiliating and uncaring. Having in mind that you do have the power to not put yourself in that position. You can choose better, and not allow him treating you that way. If he won't give you enough time to talk, then don't talk to him at all. He's not worth it. Not treating you like this. Do you see that you can stop this abuse from him? And that you have the power to not let him treat you that way?

hurtingbadly wrote:Then many times when we were talking on Skype he would just sit there while he played his online games or while he was chatting away to others (obviously not listening to me at all) or other times he went to bed and fell asleep and he would tell me I needed to talk about interesting and new things, that I was boring.....so many times I told him that it wasn't about me giving an entertaining speech as if he was the audience, that conversation flows between the 2 people.....

He's showing all signs of not caring at all how to treat people.

Interesting is a point of view. If he's not interested, then don't talk to him.

Work on healing whatever it is that it's attracts you to him. What ever it is, it could be something you are wanting to heal. Maybe something you were taught as a child that that was love, or something like that. What ever it might be, don't let him treat you that way. No one should be treated that way.

Sea

hurtingbadly wrote:Yes, that went on for quite a while, he would for example count 3, 2, 1 and hang up. He would tell me my time was over and he would simply hang up without even saying good bye or anything. One day I asked for 10 minutes to talk, he gave me 4 instead. Of course, when I got on the phone I was angry, frustrated and when he saw me like that he would hang up saying I was always complaining and nagging and that is when he said that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn't give me 8. He told me I was very bad at managing the little time I had (the little time he gave me). He would tell me I needed to structure and plan my talk before talking (I suppose so that I wouldn't waste the little time he gave me....my God, only writing this now is making me cry, it is so low, so cruel, so evil so humiliating......)

hurtingbadly wrote:Then many times when we were talking on Skype he would just sit there while he played his online games or while he was chatting away to others (obviously not listening to me at all) or other times he went to bed and fell asleep and he would tell me I needed to talk about interesting and new things, that I was boring.....so many times I told him that it wasn't about me giving an entertaining speech as if he was the audience, that conversation flows between the 2 people.....

Seangel wrote:He's showing all signs of not caring at all how to treat people.

Sea is absolutely right.

To the original question of "What is this?" I would postulate it's one of the following:
A) He's a sociopath, isn't capable of empathy, and truly does not care about your feelings because he simply lacks the mental capacity to do so.
B) He's perfectly sane, and is intentionally being a jerk so that you will end the relationship so he doesn't have to feel any guilt over ending it himself (even though he's indirectly doing that anyway by hurting you, which reflects very poorly on his intelligence and emotional maturity).

Either way, it's not you. Go NC, learn what you can, and be proud of yourself for recognizing exactly what you don't want in a relationship. And the reason I say this is because I know if I were in this man's shoes, and let's just say I was absolutely bored to tears with what you were telling me over the phone or skype, I wouldn't do any of the following:
- suddenly hang up on you
- give you a verbal countdown
- suggest that the "structure" of your speech be improved for the sake of efficiency.

All of the above are self-centered, childish, and rude. He clearly hasn't read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

To give you some perspective: My girlfriend loves to talk on the phone, and even though I'm not crazy about it, I'm still glad that someone actually cares about me enough to want to share with me all the little details about their day. And I know communicating is very important to her, even if it absolutely bores me to tears sometimes. Sometimes I have let her go simply because I'm starting to doze off, or there's something on TV at the moment and I'm distracted. In that case I'll just look for an edge to get a word in and simply ask her if I can call her back? Would I dare tell her that I'm not entertained or that she's putting me to sleep or that she's wasting my time? The only way I would intentionally risk hurting her feelings is if I was a total A-hole like Mr. Social Network.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:

hurtingbadly wrote:Yes, that went on for quite a while, he would for example count 3, 2, 1 and hang up. He would tell me my time was over and he would simply hang up without even saying good bye or anything. One day I asked for 10 minutes to talk, he gave me 4 instead. Of course, when I got on the phone I was angry, frustrated and when he saw me like that he would hang up saying I was always complaining and nagging and that is when he said that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn't give me 8. He told me I was very bad at managing the little time I had (the little time he gave me). He would tell me I needed to structure and plan my talk before talking (I suppose so that I wouldn't waste the little time he gave me....my God, only writing this now is making me cry, it is so low, so cruel, so evil so humiliating......)

hurtingbadly wrote:Then many times when we were talking on Skype he would just sit there while he played his online games or while he was chatting away to others (obviously not listening to me at all) or other times he went to bed and fell asleep and he would tell me I needed to talk about interesting and new things, that I was boring.....so many times I told him that it wasn't about me giving an entertaining speech as if he was the audience, that conversation flows between the 2 people.....

Seangel wrote:He's showing all signs of not caring at all how to treat people.

Sea is absolutely right.

To the original question of "What is this?" I would postulate it's one of the following:
A) He's a sociopath, isn't capable of empathy, and truly does not care about your feelings because he simply lacks the mental capacity to do so.
B) He's perfectly sane, and is intentionally being a jerk so that you will end the relationship so he doesn't have to feel any guilt over ending it himself (even though he's indirectly doing that anyway by hurting you, which reflects very poorly on his intelligence and emotional maturity).

Either way, it's not you. Go NC, learn what you can, and be proud of yourself for recognizing exactly what you don't want in a relationship. And the reason I say this is because I know if I were in this man's shoes, and let's just say I was absolutely bored to tears with what you were telling me over the phone or skype, I wouldn't do any of the following:
- suddenly hang up on you
- give you a verbal countdown
- suggest that the "structure" of your speech be improved for the sake of efficiency.

All of the above are self-centered, childish, and rude. He clearly hasn't read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

To give you some perspective: My girlfriend loves to talk on the phone, and even though I'm not crazy about it, I'm still glad that someone actually cares about me enough to want to share with me all the little details about their day. And I know communicating is very important to her, even if it absolutely bores me to tears sometimes. Sometimes I have let her go simply because I'm starting to doze off, or there's something on TV at the moment and I'm distracted. In that case I'll just look for an edge to get a word in and simply ask her if I can call her back? Would I dare tell her that I'm not entertained or that she's putting me to sleep or that she's wasting my time? The only way I would intentionally risk hurting her feelings is if I was a total A-hole like Mr. Social Network.

The first time I visited him, he dropped me at the airport. He just spent 10 minutes with me there. He said I was very clingy. I had about 90 minutes to wait till I would board and the previous time when he visited me I waited with him till the moment he had to leave so I was expecting more or less the same. He got really angry, looked at my face in a very cold way and told me it was over and that we would never talk again. This was just at the airport and I was so shocked. I couldn't believer what was happening. He just walked away and never looked back. I was in tears, people at the airport looking at me, him walking away.....I will never forget that. When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we went back to talking.....

At that time he told me it was over, he told me we would never talk again (that was in June) but then we did. Then I visited him in August. That was my last time and that is where he told me he would have to beat me in order for me to understand. All this because I had touched him with a packet of paper tissues in his head and he got really angry saying he is very sensitive to noise (the noise the plastic of the packet made). Then, as I said 10 days later after I visited him (on the 26th of August) we were talking on whatsapp and he blocked me. I haven't heard from him since. I sent him messages asking him to at least tell me why, to at least tell me in my face and not just blocking me like that. I haven't heard from him.

Below is the conversation I had with him (my last conversation and just after that he blocked me)

Me: The handcream you gave me…. whose was it? Yours?
Him: Sure!
Him: Who else’s?!?!
Me: More like a woman’s type of cream and who knows? Since they seem to leave stuff behind like in the bathroom…
Me: I wouldnt be surprised of anything
Me: Who do you talk to for so long in whatsapp?
Me: Even at 2 am, who is awake at that time?
Him: None of your ######6 business.
Him: I paid the cream with hard coin.
Him: And you suspect me gaining it from visitors.
Him: You’re useless!
Me: As you said u were tired at 11.30 pm I found it strange u on here at 2 am
Me: No, not gaining from visitors
Me: Just as they leave tampons behind
Him: They dont leave cream behind.
Him: Where did you find tampons?
Me: I told u, u should have changed the bin in bathroom. Tampons in your bin
Me: That is where!!
Him: Right.
Him: Those were my tampons.
Me: Sure!
Him: From bleeding nose.
Me: It is simply disgusting that I had to see that and u didnt bother removing bin
Him: I will do that now.
Him: I normally dont use the bin in the bathroom.
Him: I put it there for girls only.
Him: See how considerate i am?!
Me: Yes, good remove bin so that i dont see it next time
Me: Next time empty bin please
Him: I empty it once per year
Him: Didnt know there was something in it.
Me: Next time i dont want to see any woman stuff
Me: What next time?
Me: Next time i go there
Him Yeah, i will empty the bin before you come back.
Him: Even if i never empty it, that statement remains true.
Me: Which statement remains true??
Him: Yeah, i will empty the bin before you come back.
Me: You say you will empty it and then that even if u never empty it
Him: Read more carefully!
Me: Your statement is incoherent…i will empty but even if i never empty it
Him: There is a condition in there!
Me: How do u explain that?
Me: Which condition?
Me: No idea what u are saying
Me: I said next time i go there I dont want to see stuff…u asked what next time?
Him: Yeah, i will empty the bin before you come back.
Him: Even if i never empty it, that statement remains true.
Me: Doesnt make sense
Me: U state u will empty, then say even if u never do…
Me: Which statement remains true?
Me: Do u mean that u never empty it in general?
Him: Yeah, i will empty the bin before you come back.
Him: Even if i never empty it, that statement remains true.
Me: Stop repeating that
Him: Before you come back = never
Me: What do u mean??
Him: You are dead slow on the uptake!
Me: So u are saying i will never come back?
Him: Even if i never empty it, that statement remains true.
Him: IF!!!!
Him: Stupido!
Him: You are illiterate!
Me: Really??
Me: I just may simply dont get your games
Me: Bye
Me: DO NOT DARE DISRESPECT ME AGAIN
Me: Of course I am not ever going back
Me: Did you ever think I would??
Him: No.
Me: Good
Him: I didnt.
Me: I wont
Him: it was out of the question.
Me: Really, for who?
Him: For me.
Me: Why?
Him: Because you push me out of my comfort zone!
Me: How?
Him: You interfere with my social network more than i like!
Me: Which social network?
Him: Never mind.
Me: What do u mean i interfere with your social network? How?
Me: Well, i will never fly to someone who while i am leaving tells me they are glad i am leaving
Him: Excellent!
Me: And never will i fly to someone who threatens me with beating me and talks to me about raping
Him: Or bondage, huh?
Him: And gagging?
Him: And fisting?
Him: And threesome?
Me: YOU TOLD ME NEXT TIME YOU WOULD BEAT ME
Me: That is what u said on Saturday morning
Me: You may not meet me cause i interfere with your whores however i dont meet beaters

-- Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:41 am --

sarahwpen wrote:Sorry, but there were so many red flags in your very first conversations with him that I think you may need to seek therapy just to figure out why the heck you ever went to see this guy in person at all! He TOLD you he was a really messed up jerk who had no intention of treating you with any inkling of respect... Ditch him! This whole post reads like the part in the horror movies where they always go up the stairs, or into the basement instead of out the front door to the car.... There ARE good guys out there. Even if there weren't, being single is great compared to wasting your life with an A-hole like that guy. You don't need him. At all.

You are lucky that he didn't kill you and leave you in a dumpster in an alley somewhere! Block him, and for gods sake, stop texting him, or crying over him, this guy is a psycho! RUN!

Might I add, that it wouldn't be a bad idea to get a restraining order against him or whatever the equivalent would be in your country.

The thing is that despite what he said when we first were talking, when he came over to meet me he was very nice with me. He was holding hands with me while we walked, he hugged me, when he went back to his country he sent me messages saying how nice it was to meet me, that he was really happy I was the way I was, that he had a great time with me, that it was great to be with me and not to be fighting (like he apparently does with his gf). Then he told me he wanted to see me again so the very next day we made plans for me to go over to him.

I really thought that perhaps the things he had been telling me while we chatted weren't true or that maybe he had said those things because he didn't know who he was even talking to over the net. We didn't even talk on cam until after 1 and 1/2 month so we were only typing and maybe he didn't take me that seriously at that stage. But once we talked on cam and he came over to see me things seemed much better. We arranged to meet that second time (me flying to him) and weeks before I travelled is when he started to hang up on me, giving me time limits to talk, etc....so I was about to cancel the air ticket.

Just before we arranged the 3rd meeting (when I flew to him in August) this is the conversation we had:

Me: When are we making any plan to meet?
Him: Right now i am making plans with 3 other women already.
Him: Do you want to meet them?
Me: I know we wont meet
Him: Because 36h are not good enough for you.
Me: So then say we wont meet
Me: Obviously u never talk about meeting
Him: As you wish.
Me: So are we not going to meet??
Him: Looks like it.
Me: Why?
Him: Arent you happy to be able to talk to me again?
Me: I thought we are going to meet
Me: So are we or not?
Him: Arent you happy to be able to talk to me again?
Me: It is ok
Me: But that is not the question
Him: Right
Me: Are we going to meet?
Him: When would you want to meet me and for how long and where?
Me: That is something we both discuss
Him: Suggest something
Him: Arrive Saturday morning, return Sunday morning.
Me: Friday evening like last time
Him: No
Me: We said earlier 36 hours
Him: I dont receive guests on Friday night anymore.
Me: It is too tight
Him: 24h
Me: U said 36
Him: Now i say 24h
Me: It is too costly and tight
Him: Take it or leave it.
Me: If i arrive friday i have time to organise for saturday
Me: Earlier on on whatsapp u said 36 hours
Him: You yes. Me not.
Me: But u said 36
Him: Forget 36h.
Him: I stand corrected.
Him: Well, this time you know that it will be a brief kiss goodbye. I want to hear no complaints! Before or after!

sarahwpen wrote:Sorry, but there were so many red flags in your very first conversations with him that I think you may need to seek therapy just to figure out why the heck you ever went to see this guy in person at all! He TOLD you he was a really messed up jerk who had no intention of treating you with any inkling of respect... Ditch him! This whole post reads like the part in the horror movies where they always go up the stairs, or into the basement instead of out the front door to the car.... There ARE good guys out there. Even if there weren't, being single is great compared to wasting your life with an A-hole like that guy. You don't need him. At all.

You are lucky that he didn't kill you and leave you in a dumpster in an alley somewhere! Block him, and for gods sake, stop texting him, or crying over him, this guy is a psycho! RUN!

Might I add, that it wouldn't be a bad idea to get a restraining order against him or whatever the equivalent would be in your country.

May I ask? what makes you think he could have killed me? Do you see it that bad?
Thing is I have met him 3 times. The first time was great. The second time when I flew to him is when he walked away from me at the airport because I was expecting him to wait with me for a little while and he got angry saying I was clinging onto him so he basically stayed with me 10 minutes and then he looked at my face in such a cold and angry way told me it was over between us for good and walked away without even looking back. Then we got back talking anyway and the 3rd time I flew to him is when he told me next time in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. This was because I touched him with a packet of tissues on his head very softly. He got angry saying he is so sensitive to noise (I didn't know it) and that I lacked empathy, that I was crazy and that anyone would be annoyed if I did that to them. I couldn't understand what the hell he was talking about of course. I never thought anyone could get annoyed by that so as I couldn't understand he told me next time he would have to beat me in order for me to understand. Then we spent the day in the mountains and he was nice with me, hugging me, holding my hand, etc.........

I really got scared when he told me about the beating part. There I could see a new side of him but of course I don't have a clue whether that was just to scare me, whether that was him being stressed or whether he could have actually done it.....I will never know what his intentions were by saying that.

I also must add that the first time I visited him I arrived there at night and he told me I had to wash my hair. I had only washed my hair in the morning and I told him I didn't want to do that. He looked at me and he told me he was serious, that there are bacteria in the airplanes and that I needed to wash my hair because of that (my flight was 1 and 1/2 hour's long).

-- Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:54 am --

sarahwpen wrote:Sorry, but there were so many red flags in your very first conversations with him that I think you may need to seek therapy just to figure out why the heck you ever went to see this guy in person at all! He TOLD you he was a really messed up jerk who had no intention of treating you with any inkling of respect... Ditch him! This whole post reads like the part in the horror movies where they always go up the stairs, or into the basement instead of out the front door to the car.... There ARE good guys out there. Even if there weren't, being single is great compared to wasting your life with an A-hole like that guy. You don't need him. At all.

You are lucky that he didn't kill you and leave you in a dumpster in an alley somewhere! Block him, and for gods sake, stop texting him, or crying over him, this guy is a psycho! RUN!

Might I add, that it wouldn't be a bad idea to get a restraining order against him or whatever the equivalent would be in your country.

Do you think it is that bad to get a restraining order against him?
And the thing is we live in different countries so I guess I am not in danger but what would I say in order to get a restraining order?

He blocked me on whatsappa and Skype nearly 3 weeks ago and that is how it is now.

I am not sure if people here use Skype and you know how it works. As far as I am concerned you can do 3 things:

1.just block someone and keep them still on your list of contacts
2. delete the contact without blocking them
3. Block and delete all together

This guy I believe, he has blocked me but I think he still has me on his contact list. I know this because if he had deleted me from his contacts, his profile would show like he hasn't shared contact details with me and with a grey question mark on it but that is not the case.

So I am just wondering: why would he block me and still keep me on his contact list if he is done with me?

To the original question of "What is this?" I would postulate it's one of the following:
A) He's a sociopath, isn't capable of empathy, and truly does not care about your feelings because he simply lacks the mental capacity to do so.
B) He's perfectly sane, and is intentionally being a jerk so that you will end the relationship so he doesn't have to feel any guilt over ending it himself (even though he's indirectly doing that anyway by hurting you, which reflects very poorly on his intelligence and emotional maturity).


He blocked me in the past too back in June. Then after I sent him a couple of sms, emails, etc he said: convince me that me talking to you is a good idea". Actually, my brother in law had called him at that time to tell him to stop behaving like that with me (hanging up on me and giving me time limits to talk). Finally, he unblocked me.

Also, the 1st time I visited him when he walked away from me at the airport, he did clearly say it was over and that we would never talk again. Then, we did talk and the thing continued. He did say that he had very little patient with me before but that now he had none and that if anything went wrong or any back talk it would be finished. We kept talking anyway and I visited him in August. So basically, what I am saying is that he blocked me before and then somehow we got back to talking. This time he blocked me 3 weeks ago and despite me asking him why and telling him that at least we could talk about it (even if then things are finished forever) but at least talk and not just hit a block button like that and he hasn't replied at all.

Him wanting to finish and being a jerk with me so that I finish it instead??? how? I am sure he could have hit the block button ages ago like he did now if that was the case or when he told me in June we would never talk again, why did he end up coming back?.....I am totally lost

I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn't like me fishing for compliments.

This is the conversation I had with him when he first saw me on cam and I was asking him what he thought of me:

Me: ok,yesterday you said I am fishing for compliments but that is not right. I still wonder what you think after having seen me on cam, just opinion
Him: right now, I am thinking what to say tomorrow morning.
Me: yeah
Me: not that it takes much to say what you thought though
Him: i have to recite how to prepare a machine. and later i have to justify now someone else has to do my job.
Me: well, but giving me your opinion won’t take much thinking I guess
Him: for me it is normal to see someone in a conversation.
Him: i did not see you before. so, i had no specific expectations.
Me: yes, but we did and as we hadn’t before the normal is also to say what you think
Me: and even if you had no expectations you still would have an opinion
Him: such as?
Me: well, come on I saw you for the first time and I do have an opinion
Him: really?
Me: you see someone for the 1st time and whether you had expectations or not you have an opinion after seeing them
Him: okay
Me: come on, this is common sense
Him: ok
Me: and at least you could say something
Him: hmmm
Him: i have headaches
Me: what do you mean headaches?
Me: I don’t know…you insisted so much that we talked on cam and I did and then you don’t even say a single thing
Him: you too
Me: me too what?
Him: you too
Me: dont understand
Me: me too what?
Me: come on it was nice talking to you
Him: indeed
Him: because finally we could talk.
Him: i could read your face.
Me: yes, you could read my face but you don’t say a single comment about it
Him: you too
Me: please
Me: what do you mean me too??
Me: that i didn’t say anything?
Him: yes
Me: come on, it is not fair, I did tell you
Me: it is not fair
Him: your expectations will kill you one day.
Him: curiosity killed the cat!
Me: it is not expectations
Me: it is your opinion

Now, my question is: what was I dealing with? who was I dealing with? What is this?