One Night Stand Stress

I met a beautiful girl at a bar/restaurant last week(I'll call her Jill). Both of us happened to be in the town(which was out of state) for work reasons and by coincidence we both live in the same city. We hit it off really well and ended up back at her hotel. Jill had one of those personalities where she was always in complete control. However, she was really drunk by the time we got to her room. When we first got to her room she went to the bathroom and I sat on the ledge by her window looking at the view. I felt very disconnected and had no excitement about what I knew what was going to happen. Jill kept saying that we were going out to another bar but I knew better. When she came out of the bathroom she pretty much jumped me. I tried to slow her down because I really wasn't in the mood, especially when getting attacked like that. Anyway, we ended up having sex but I felt absolutely nothing the entire time. Afterwards Jill told me she needed to get up early and that I needed to leave. I still had no feelings and it didn't matter to me and I got dressed. As I was leaving Jill asked me to call her. I told her I didn't have her number. Earlier in the night Jill gave me her business card with the intention of my passing it on to a friend who may want to contact her for business reasons(she's a child therapist). She reminded me that she gave me her card but I innocently responded, "I thought the card was meant for my friend." Jill totally flipped and started screaming about how mean I was and that I needed to leave. I calmed her down and explained that it was a misunderstanding. I was flying home the next day but she would still be out of town for another week. I told her I would call her when she returned home the next week. Jill said I should call her before then so we could talk and I agreed. Jill then said she didn't feel well and might throw up. I stayed a while longer to take care of her and made sure she drank a lot of water. I put her to bed and kissed her goodnight. She grabbed me again and we fooled around some more. Afterwards she again told me that she needed to get up early for work and that I needed to leave. I gave her another big kiss and I left. I still had no feelings at all after I left and didn't really care about what had transpired. However, when I got back to my hotel I realized I left my expensive sunglasses in her room. I wasn't planning to contact her so soon, if at all, but I wanted my sunglasses back(they have emotional meaning for me).

The next afternoon I texted her and told her that I had a really good time and that I would call her in a few days, and asked if she found my sunglasses. She responded that I should send her my address and she would mail them to me. I texted back that she should just give them to me in person since we lived in the same city. She responded that she wouldn't return for a whole week and didn't think I'd want to wait that long to get my sunglasses. I did notice that she never mentioned anything about what we had done or talked about the night before.

Even though I felt nothing and totally disconnected from everything that happened, I started to stress about calling her. I was sure I would either get her voice mail or if we spoke she would reject me. I finally did call a couple of days later and I ended up getting her voice mail. I left a message saying that I really liked her and I hoped we would see each other again. I got no response and so a few hours later I texted her my address and asked her to mail me my sunglasses.

I still didn't have any response the next day and so I started getting very stressed about all this. I don't understand why I'd be so upset when i felt nothing when I was in the hotel room. Jill was fun and beautiful and I have no idea why I felt so empty that night. But I really don't understand why I'm so stressed now that I can't reach her. Today(the day after I left the first voice mail) I left another message to leave for her voice mail. I told her that I normally wouldn't be calling again but I was very confused because she had gotten so upset when she thought I wouldn't call her, and then told me to call her before her trip ended just so we could talk, but now she wasn't returning my call. I also told her that I was okay if she just wanted this to be a one night stand but could she at least send me a text so that I wouldn't be so confused about whether she wanted me to call her or not. I reminded her that I took care of her when she thought she might be sick so I at least deserved a response. At the end of the message I told her that whether or not she ever wanted to see me again I would always think of her as being a very special person.

First off, I don't understand why I felt so disconnected the night I was with her. I really liked her a lot and the disconnect had nothing to do with her. Second, if I felt so disconnected that night then why am I so stressed about her now? I didn't care at all when I left her room night. It was only when I realized I left my sunglasses behind that I started stressing. I don't understand any of these feelings I'm having and now I can't sleep or focus at work. I also don't understand why Jill won't respond to my messages after she got so upset about the prospect of my not calling. I realize she was quite drunk and maybe she doesn't recall anything or just has regrets. But still, I would think after my last message that she could at least text me if this was just a one night stand for her.

You defined it...you named it as:"One Night Stand". So the night's gone....finished.
So what do you want?
You want your sunglasses? i'ts gone too... little price for what you had done...Sorry

Hey cassidy22,

A general thought -

I think a lot of people think they can have a one night stand, maybe even know on some level they are going to have conflicted feelings about it, but go ahead, and then do have conflicted feelings. It sounds like for her too she had mixed feelings after the fact.

No particular advice other then the good old 'know yourself' applies.

My only thoughts on this: tinted safety glasses do the job and cost like 6 bucks. Problem solved.

But one of the issues I'm having is why am I so upset now when I had no feelings at the time? I felt completely emotionless when I was in her room even though I liked her. And I felt nothing when I left. I don't even think I would have called her had she not been so insistent. But now I'm a mess over this and I really don't understand. Is it fear of being rejected? I just don't understand why I'm feeling so horrible right now if I didn't care that night.

You may go and discuss all issues with HER directly. Make sure she is not drunk this time and by the way you are there remember your sunglasses.
Don't waste the time here.
How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

How am I supposed to discuss this with her if she doesn't respond to my messages? I'm not going to show up at her office because that's just creepy. I'm in my 40's and she's 29. I'm not looking for a relationship. We both travel a lot for work but happen to live in the city. It seemed ideal to meet every now and then.

Hey cassidy22,

cassidy22 wrote:But one of the issues I'm having is why am I so upset now when I had no feelings at the time? I felt completely emotionless when I was in her room even though I liked her. And I felt nothing when I left. I don't even think I would have called her had she not been so insistent. But now I'm a mess over this and I really don't understand. Is it fear of being rejected? I just don't understand why I'm feeling so horrible right now if I didn't care that night.

First let me preface by writing that my starting assumption is that you are both adults, and as adults responsible for your choices (her too). You described a consensual encounter, and while alcohol was involved, alcohol has a way of mucking up discussions because adults are suppose to be responsible for how much they drink, then drink, then their judgment is impaired, then sometimes they want not to be responsible. That's a no win scenario. Anyway...

In reality only you can know why, so we can only guess. This part of your original post stood out for me...

cassidy22 wrote:...When we first got to her room she went to the bathroom and I sat on the ledge by her window looking at the view. I felt very disconnected and had no excitement about what I knew what was going to happen. Jill kept saying that we were going out to another bar but I knew better. When she came out of the bathroom she pretty much jumped me. I tried to slow her down because I really wasn't in the mood, especially when getting attacked like that. Anyway, we ended up having sex but I felt absolutely nothing the entire time. ...

It seems that you were already having ambivalent feelings even before sleeping with her, turned your own feelings off, then had sex for the sake of sex, and then those buried feelings bubbled back to the surface. If you were drinking at the time, that may have also contributed, as alcohol is known to decrease inhibitions, or otherwise alter people's feelings until later when the effects of the alcohol have worn off.

The post-sex confusing (including guilt-trip) behavior from her, and the loss of your physical property is probably relevant too. It's understandable to feel violated on some level in a situation like the one you described.

So she finally responded. Turns out that she's been really busy with work and never even got my phone messages until now. She's too busy traveling for work to have anything meaningful and she apologized if she led me on. I'm much better now. I'd rather have a response of any kind than to leave me all confused by ignoring me. Oh, and she's going to mail out my sunglasses ASAP.

Curious:
have you got your sunglasses yet?