I pushed her away, now I want her back

Seangel and Turts

Seangel thank you for your advice, i still have so much hope (although he has told me 'never' will we get back together, i think you don't know whats round the corner!!!) and i know that is just so stupid, we have 2 children together so we will always be in each others lives. I'm still so confused and scared of my feelings, i'm scared he'll forget whats good about us, i just hope he's sitting in his bed (he's now living with his aunt!) thinking OMG what have i done, but i know he's probably not and i know that it's only been a few weeks since it's all blown up and i kicked him out (although i didn't want him to go). The people that we have told so far have been so shocked and have not really known what to say as we have lasted past all of our friends and we are the 'strong' ones and people look at us and think wow (i hope that doesn't sound to big headed!)!!!!! I can't help but think that with him telling people that he won't go back on things but i so desperately want him back even though he has put me through hell and back and trampled all over my heart (and sort of still is, as he's still contacting the person he kissed although she lives on the other side of the world!!!!!!).
I have always been a strong person but this has truly broken me, he's my soul mate and i love him so much and i'm still in shock that he can do this to me!!!!!!!! He does keep saying things or doing things that i'm not sure he actually knows he's doing or saying but there given me hope e.g he's still wearing his wedding ring (although that would finish me off if he took it off!), he still has stuff at our house although at the weekend he moved into his aunts and when we was talking about money the other day he said ' you don't want US to be in trouble?????? It probably doesn't mean anything but to me it does. It's hard talking to my mum and dad as they want to kill him and the sadness and anger in their faces hurts me (although i know why they are like this!!!) and i really only have one person who has been through this and can help as she knows what i'm feeling but even she will get bored soon as me going round and round in circles!

Sorry to go but i just want someone to talk some sense into him and say 'it's 15 years of your life and 2 kids, stop being so stupid and go back to your wife and tell her that you love her!!!' Or just 'ok you've thrown your toys out of your pram now, point taken now go home and be with your family'!!!!

Turts

You made the quote

I STILL say fight for your marriage but here is quote everyone should take to heart.
"Marriage is not 50/50. Divorce is 50/50!
Marriage has to be 100/100. It isn't dividing everything in half, but giving everything you've got!"[/quote]
The problem i have is i want to fight and will probably carry on fighting while he has given up as he says he has been fighting for years but has not been happy!!!!!! I have said to him and still think that we can work at this together but he just won't i know this makes me sound like a door mat and a lost course but i do really love and am in love with this idiot.

What do you guys think to this -: my mum says that she thinks he's emotionally abusing me???? He messing with my mind a bit because of the break up, but maybe i'm doing this as well to myself???? as i just won't let go???? Again sad, stupid, needy Clair coming out I don't know i have so many things going round in my head it's so hard and i feel like i'm going to explode!!!!!!!

Clairl79
The "marriage is not 50/50 quote is what you need to focus on."
Your 100 plus his ?? does not equal 100/100.
Your story sounds very similar to mine, not so much in the details but in the feelings and lack of acceptance.
Break off contact!! It really helps. Get his stuff out of the house and your mind.
This has to be about you and very soon! Start to get selfish and make sure you are OK.
Think about how attractive you will be to him and everybody else when you get through this a better stronger person.......

Hi Turts

I agree with that lack of acceptance and feelings, i've had a really bad day today and i know this can't go on but i just can't cut him out!!!! He rung me today and asked how are things going? And i just replied 'going' which he didn't really like. As much as i'm failing apart when he's not here, i'm now showing him that i'm strong (in front of him anyway!!!). I can't be selfish as i have 2 children who need me and i need to make sure that their ok first. He told me to be selfish (but i think that was to make him feel better) as well and to a point i can but my responsibilities stop me, doing whatever i want, and cutting him out completely?????
It's so frustrating as well, i know what everyone is saying as that's what i would say (and have done) but being in this situation i just can't. I do feel weak and so low at the moment as normally i'm quite strong and i think that's why i can't deal with things but the other problem i have is people keep saying make you happy for once, but he made me happy (as well as our children!) so i have to find what makes me happy on my own and will take time!!!!!
I know what you mean by being attractive to him (as physically it's still there, i know that!!!) but the rest has gone and i WILL get it back (well i hope that i do!!!!)
Thank you for replying it's nice to talk to lots of people that have been through the same or similar

Well, it took quite a bit of time and it also took a lot out of me but I am happy to say I am in a happier place.
The emotional roller coaster of losing the love of my life is finally starting to make sense to me.
I have spent much time and energy reflecting on what went wrong and why I was so upset. So much time and energy spent blaming myself for everything, blaming subconscious actions and reactions etc.
Well the time has come to learn from the events of my life, improve where I can and just be a better all around person. No small feat right?? Well, one step at time is how any problem is solved. The Daring Way workshop is drawing near, the fears of what that will bring into my consciousness is growing daily but nobody every said this will be easy..
The feelings I have now range from the fear of the unknown(who, when and even if anyone will ever love me)to how do I learn to love myself?? pfft sounds like such hippie nonsense
I have spent lots of time alone before but I have never felt so lonely... Such a strange feeling, almost like a depression....
I want to be doing something to help with the loneliness. But the only thing I can thing of just feels so wrong. I DO NOT want to go run through a bunch of women, pour gallons of booze down my guts or just shut down emotionally, that is what got me to this point in my life.
I see so much in life now, so much beauty that I have walked by hundreds of times completely un noticed. I see couples now, happy couples that I just want to go over and say congratulations, angry couples who only need some guidance and even couples just going through the motions who only need a smack upside the head and be told to pay attention and just be nice to one an other!!
I will learn to be ok with being alone but I REFUSE to accept the fact I will always be alone. Humans are built to be happiest while being connected to one another. I am the poster child for that fact. I will LOVE someone who LOVES me back equally. I will learn to communicate, resolve conflict, respect and appreciate one an other and damn it, just be nice to each other.