The Boyfriend and Porn Dilema.

I know this is an over-asked question, but everyone's story is a bit different, and just wanted to hear some men's, as well as women's advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, living together for about 7 months. Our sex life was much better when we didnt live together, about 3-5 times a week. I began to notice that this also coincided with nights we had gone out drinking, and then became distraught because I realized we had never truley had sober sex. Ive brought this up a number of times and nothing ever really gets resolved. I feel like I cant initiate sex because he claims light touch makes him itchy nad squirms away from me when I try to rub his chest or something to try and start something. And im not one to just grab a handful and jump on, especially when he doesn't initiate either, so I dont do anything for fear of rejection. He barely even touches me anymore either, and does not initiate when we are sober. We do not have the same weekends off together as he works in the restaurant biz. His weekends are mon/tues. So when I have to go to bed (around 1130) he claims he isnt tired and stays up til 4-5 am and never comes to bed. I suspected he would watch porn, but never really found proof. I have a bit of a complex with this as my ex would sneak out of bed with me and watch porn while I was sleeping (which he knows about). I lately found that he IS watching porn when he chooses to stay on the couch. I was able to see his browser hx through the browser app on an old phone. I know I shouldnt snoop, but with all we've talked about and how much he knows it bothers me and hurts me, he still does it. Im not all aganst porn, I watch it too, but only when he isnt around. I feel so hurt that even though he knows im ready and willing at any time he may feel the urge he still has not initiated sex and continues to watch porn while im in bed. We still do have sex on weekends if we drink, and I enjoy that too, but I dont understand why there is what feels like an awkwardness btwn us that we cant initiate it sober. It hurts that he waits for me to go to bed because id do anything he asked me to sexually and ive told him this, im just not getting signals from him that he evens wants me anymore. I dont think hes cheating, we do spend most of our time off together, so I really honestly do not believe there is someone else. Our relationship otherwise is great, hes the best man ive ever been with. Just need to get out of this rutt we seem to be in, and need to understand what his deal may be so I can try to fix things. Appreciate any real opinions. Saying dump him or blah blah is not what im looking for. Thank you to anyone who can help!

Rent Don Jon and watch it with him. Observe his reaction to the main character losing the hottest chick on the planet because of his porn addiction.

Aside from that, how often do you orgasm? Could your sex life's reduction in frequency be due to a performance anxiety thing for him?

@ridingthewtfbus - yes, it could very well be a performance thing with him. He told me that once while in a drunken stupor I had blurted out that if he couldnt make me cum, id do it myself and went for the vibrator (im sure for some reason that would turn him on...wrong). I, of course, did not remember this, but he did seem to be quite upset about it. said it made him feel less of a man. I apologized profusely and said I would never want him to feel that way! I told him that it is not often, in fact quite rare in my entire sexual history, that I have ever had an orgasm from straight sex (penetration). And ive been under the assumption that this is somewhat normal. Ive always just played with myself or used a vibrator along with sex to achieve mutual orgasms, which had worked swimmingly until I met my current boyfriend. Even if I do use the vibrator (this was before my stupid comment about it) I just cant seem to make it there. He comes when he does and thats about it. Im a rather loud screamer becaue the process of sex and everything feels so good, just not to the height of clitoral stimulation. I fear he may think im faking now. But in me understanding how down he feels about his sexuality in my drunken comment, I need him to realize I feel the exact same way when he waits for me to sleep and then watches porn. Its like hey! Hello! Im right here with usually a pretty good wet spot for him, but we just must feel some kind of awkwardness to just do it! Btw, we're in our early 30s, no kids, and we're not athletic or anything, but our sizes match and we are attracted to each other...or so I thought. With everytging else being fine, I just tend to keep worrying about this and end up internalizing it that im doing something wrong or its me that hes not attracted to. We dont even have morning sex! Ever! Ugh.

well.... enough drink and a fellow will start to have trouble. and for some of us... the least bit is going to be enough to make up anxious. and performance anxiety can really snowball. i struggle with that. if that's the problem the porn is something to go to that is not threatening, that is to say no worries about being able to perform. as far as what you said yeah that's perfectly normal you need a little help finishing and he ought to know that imo. but now that might not even be related to this problem even if it is anxiety. also I've known a person who was pretty easy drunk but sober very inhibited. she was a she but i see no reason that can't work in the other direction, too. just thinking out loud, here. she would be all over you drunk but sober forget it. very uptight don't touch me it's embarrassing so on & so forth.

Hi ekhilduh,

ekhilduh wrote:@ridingthewtfbus - yes, it could very well be a performance thing with him. He told me that once while in a drunken stupor I had blurted out that if he couldnt make me cum, id do it myself and went for the vibrator (im sure for some reason that would turn him on...wrong). I, of course, did not remember this, but he did seem to be quite upset about it. said it made him feel less of a man. I apologized profusely and said I would never want him to feel that way! I told him that it is not often, in fact quite rare in my entire sexual history, that I have ever had an orgasm from straight sex (penetration). And ive been under the assumption that this is somewhat normal. Ive always just played with myself or used a vibrator along with sex to achieve mutual orgasms, which had worked swimmingly until I met my current boyfriend. Even if I do use the vibrator (this was before my stupid comment about it) I just cant seem to make it there.

It does seem that he feels inadequate, and so has turned to porn or reasoned that if you need extra physical stimulation he needs extra visual stimulation. Some couples are okay with their partner needing/wanting toys, visual stimulation, etc., but it can also leave some feeling insecure (i.e., my partner needs something else other than me, so there must be something wrong with me, etc.).

Talking about sex with a partner is tough. People do have insecurities and sharing them is hard enough, but especially so when it comes to talking about sex. The drinking is not helping. It's just bound to amplify insecurities, have you two saying/doing things that you'll regret, and ultimately lead you two apart. Maybe you can start with this? Drink less or not at all some nights, spend some more time together sober? You probably can't resolve the divide between you over night, but it can be resolved; it just takes a lot more time to undo damage than it does to create it in a relationship.

ekhilduh wrote:I told him that it is not often, in fact quite rare in my entire sexual history, that I have ever had an orgasm from straight sex (penetration). And ive been under the assumption that this is somewhat normal.

I've read it's certainly very common, and it can definitely frustrate both partners.

ekhilduh wrote:Ive always just played with myself or used a vibrator along with sex to achieve mutual orgasms, which had worked swimmingly until I met my current boyfriend. Even if I do use the vibrator (this was before my stupid comment about it) I just cant seem to make it there. He comes when he does and thats about it.

Sounds like he's given up on even trying, which is very sad. Go buy a copy of "Female Ejaculation: Unleash the Ultimate G-Spot Orgasm" by Somraj Pokras and Ph.D. Jeffre Talltrees. Fantastic read which at the very least will help you learn more about your own body. I found it really interesting that clitoral stimulation is just 1 of the 11 different ways a woman can achieve an orgasm! There are lots of sensitive areas inside just waiting to be found! If sex for you guys has become somewhat mechanical and leads to the same results every time, you might be surprised to find that only a minor adjustment can have a very big impact! Figure out what you really like on your own with a toy, and then later on you can gently encourage him into that position!