Why does it take me several years to love a person?

It's almost impossible for me to really love someone. Though it's true, I haven't been close with that many people in the first place. I'm not close with pretty much all my family members, because I was separated from most of them a lot. And I like most of them, but I can't say I really love them. It's the same with my parents. True we don't get along well, but I can't honestly say I really love them. Which I don't think is normal because everywhere online I see people say "oh, everyone loves their family even if you think you hate them". But I don't feel that way, even towards family members I like. I've always been like this. I don't know if I have some kind of narcissism or what, though I don't really know much about narcissism.

There's only one exception so far, my best friend. And even then, it was hard for me to love him, too. I've known him about my whole life, but it wasn't until I was 17 that I even realized I loved him as a friend, because I hadn't really loved anyone before and wasn't used to that feeling. I mean, I always liked him and cared about him, and I've liked and cared about other people, too. But for me usually I can care about a person's safety, or being nice to a person, but not so much about the person themselves. And in the rare case that I really have cared about someone, I usually don't really love them except this one time.

And a few years after I realized I loved him as a friend, I realized I love him so much, I love him as a...I don't know, "partner" I guess (not gay partner, but boyfriend doesn't seem like the right word since he wasn't my boyfriend when I had this realization). So I had feelings for him at least a year, probably honestly a few years. But he's been living a few hundred miles away the last 4 years, though we've kept in contact. I've been wanting to move to his area for a while now, too. So, 6 weeks ago I finally wrote him a letter about my feelings. But the next few times we talked , he didn't bring it up at all, like it didn't happen. I wrote him another letter 2 weeks later, and he still avoided the subject when we talked again. Then literally a few days later, to my horror, I saw a facebook post with him and this other girl calling each other "babe". And he's so oblivious, he probably didn't realize I would see it and how it would hurt me. I had just com back from a full 2 week visit with him, in person, when I wrote the first letter, and he wasn't dating anyone. I didn't see this girl or hear about her a single once the whole time I was there. I don't know if he even knew her then, or they just met after I left and started dating, or what. And that's another thing, he keeps getting girlfriends that dump him and don't stay long. And this has only happened during times when I haven't seen him for a while, coincidently, so I never even meet them.

So for 3 weeks, his posts were babe this, babe that, meanwhile he had never given any kind of answer to my letters. So I finally brought it up and said "why couldn't you at least have given me some kind of closure instead of leaving me hanging for so long". I didn't even say what I really felt: "why did you completely ignore my feelings like they were nothing and dump me off so fast to get with a girl that doesn't know $#%^ about you? And neither of you probably even love each other". So I didn't tell him that, just the first quotation. And all he said was "I respect your feelings but you need to meet other people". Wtf is that? I think he doesn't even think I like him for him, I think he thinks I just want to hang around him because I'm lonely, and that's not true. I mean, I have a lack of people in my life in general, and it's lonely, but I genuinely like him for him. And I'm sure that no amount of other people in my life or amount of love I have for them will make me love him any less, be it as a friend or "partner". But that's all he had to say about my feelings.

After that, I asked if he would be my friend still, and he said he would, and he would always be there for me, which is good I guess. But frankly he hasn't been there for me, especially this time. So this rejection thing happened almost 3 weeks ago and he hasn't talked to me since, even though I left a few friendly non-annoying messages. He's always too lazy to check his messages in the first place. He still didn't even reply to my "happy 4th of July" yesterday. And yesterday on facebook he posted one of those "in a relationship" status things, like it wasn't obvious enough.

So, I'm pretty disgusted with this situation. He's not even being that good of a friend right now. And I'm definitely not over him yet, and I probably won't be for a long time, if at all. And I don't know if I will even love another person. It took me my whole life to fall in love with my best friend, I feel like it would take me 20 or so years to even come close to feeling about another person the way I feel about him, if at all. And if I did love again, who the hell would even wait that long? Which brings me back to the question, why does it take me several years to love a person? And what if I try to go out with some guy but I'm not over my best friend, and I end up just transferring my feelings for my best friend onto a guy, and I don't really love the guy himself?

In_Blue wrote:So I finally brought it up and said "why couldn't you at least have given me some kind of closure instead of leaving me hanging for so long".

And all he said was "I respect your feelings but you need to meet other people". Wtf is that?

That is him giving you closure. He wasn't comfortable turning you flat down. And instead he's taking a [too?] tactful approach. It sucks he couldn't have said that before. But it's done now.

I didn't even say what I really felt: "why did you completely ignore my feelings like they were nothing and dump me off so fast to get with a girl that doesn't know $#%^ about you? And neither of you probably even love each other".

He ignored your feelings as far as they related to him. He didn't have the same degree of feelings, that's all. And nothing about this other woman is your business. It's irrelevant how they feel about each other. This isn't about you.

After that, I asked if he would be my friend still, and he said he would, and he would always be there for me, which is good I guess. But frankly he hasn't been there for me, especially this time.

I don't see how he can be there for you. What you want is him as a boyfriend. Anything less than that is going to be hard for you. And being friends is going to involve him mentioning his girlfriend which is also going to hurt you. So I can see why he wouldn't be close to you right now. There's no healthy way for you to be friends, while you still have these strong romantic feelings. Rather than plain friendship feelings.

And I'm definitely not over him yet, and I probably won't be for a long time, if at all.

It depends on what you mean by "over." I don't believe that love disappears, no. So if you love him now, that's going to last. But it may not be a romantic love that whole time. I would expect it to evolve with time. And become that deep friend love again. Where you're happy for him to be happy. Whoever that's with. Be gentle with yourself though, this will take time.

And I don't know if I will even love another person. It took me my whole life to fall in love with my best friend, I feel like it would take me 20 or so years to even come close to feeling about another person the way I feel about him, if at all.

There are different kinds of love. So I don't think it's worth being categorical about this. Perhaps you'll recognise love faster next time round. Perhaps you weren't emotionally mature until you were 17, so it was literally impossible for you to be in love. And most likely of all. Next time you fall in love, it will be completely different to this.

And if I did love again, who the hell would even wait that long?

Someone who loved you too? Someone who was in a current relationship or difficult situation and had to wait for it to change?

Which brings me back to the question, why does it take me several years to love a person?

It took several years to love this person. You can't generalise from that experience. Each person you will love is unique. And the way your feeling appears and develops will be unique too.

And what if I try to go out with some guy but I'm not over my best friend, and I end up just transferring my feelings for my best friend onto a guy, and I don't really love the guy himself?

I think you know yourself well enough not to do this. You're self reflective and that will help avoid confusion. I also don't think that feelings are fully transferable in this way. If you meet someone that reminds you of your best friend. Then you might find them more attractive because of it. But I don't think you'd feel that as strong enough to base an entire relationship on. There'd need to be much more to them as a person and a possible partner.