So I am a stalker

So apparently I am a stalker. Let me start off with my story. I've always been unhappy. I've only had one boyfriend my entire 31 years of existence. Even that didn't last very long. On Feb 2013. I met a man off a dating website. I have a drinking problem that I'm trying to sort through now. On my birthday,I went out with a friend. Had a few drinks.The man I was texting with on the website was talking to me. Later on that night, he came over. I told him to bring alcohol and he did. We watched a movie, got drunk and one thing led to another. He left later on really early in the morning. After that, I was too hungover to talk to him about the events of last night.

The next day I talked to him on the phone when my head was a bit clearer. He told me he had fun but next time he would like to hang out sober. We talked on and off. But I did not want anything serious with him. A few weeks later, I noticed something going on with my body. I had bleeding which I confused for my period. I should of known better. I waited a month for my period and at that time I did not speak to that man. It was my choice. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. When that month was up. I finally took a pregnancy test. I was pregnant.

Me never being pregnant before scared me. I honestly thought I couldn't get pregnant. I must of gotten lucky. Until now. I have some health problems I do not wish to discuss. But I'm not one for abortion. I'm very pro-life. I decided to tell him. He picked me up and we discussed it. I told him I couldn't have a baby. I didn't tell him why. He was so understanding. We made love and I made my decision. I waited a few weeks so he could pay his half. Between those few weeks. I told him I wanted a relationship. He said he was sorry but we are just friends. I got angry at him. Yelled at him. So he told me to leave him alone for a few days cause he was angry at me. I couldn't wait for him to pay his half. So I went to the clinic on my own. The first doctor denied me. Said something about my blood count and how far along I was could be dangerous. Apparently I was 14 weeks. I was already emotionally traumatised. So I texted him and he ignored me.

I went to another doctor and he agreed to do it. The day of my procedure I told him. He was so mean to me. His exact words were "good get a receipt." Then he told me he never wanted to speak to me asagain. So I got it done. I was in tears. I regretted my decision. But I couldn't have a baby. It would of harmed me too. But it doesn't mean that I still don't love my angel. A few weeks passed. I had weird symptoms. My body felt like it had a baby. I went back to my alcoholism and called him. He ignored me. I got so drunk and called him a lot. The next day he threatened to call the police if I didn't leave him alone. So I left him alone.

For 6 months I was in agony. I constantly cried over the loss of my baby. I saw him online on the dating suite I met him on. I messaged him. He decided to give me a chance at being friends. We made love again. He added me on Facebook and I said something on there he didn't like. He took me off and said I needed to stop acting like his girlfriend. I got drunk again. I sent him a few texts and he blocked me. We didn't talk for a few months. This last time I think it's over. I have a drinking problem. I invited him over. And when he left. I tagged him in a facebook status thanking him for visiting me. I was doing so good. We were talking again and I stopped drinking. When he saw it. He untagged himself. For a week I asked him why and what did I do wrong. He ignored my messages. I got his phone number through a mutual friend and called him. Also was drinking.

He answered and got angry that I tried to get his personal information. He then put my number on auto reject. This time was bad. I got very drunk and dialed his number a lot. I left messages from screaming, to crying and to beg him to give me another chance. I haven't heard from him since. But I have heard through my friend that he was posting on Facebook how crazy I am. Saying I'm a stalker. What I did was awful, I won't lie. But he also lied and exaggerated the truth. He said I was stalking him for two years. He changed his number and address cause of me. Which wasn't true. He changed address cause his parents kicked him out and his phone was turned off cause he couldn't afford it. He also said that I said I wanted to be his wife. Never true. He said I wanted his children. The only child I want was the one I lost.

I told him I loved him which he thought was the biggest insult ever. He told people we only slept together once which was also a lie. I know I screwed up and I probably won't ever get him back. I'm not a horrible person. He does things a lot to hurt my feelings. And when he does, I go back to my drinking and act crazy. I'm at fault for my mistakes but he is equally as mean when he took advantage and left me all alone to mourn the loss of my child. I have left him alone. I can't eat or sleep. I'm finally working on my drinking problem for good and going to meetings. I want him back but I know that's not possible. The only reason why was cause of that baby. It would be so much easier if that never happened.

You're not a stalker, but you're being overly-attached to an overly-detached, secretive/private, flighty, and highly image-oriented person, whom has made it clear that he will not stand up for you, does not care for his own offspring, has no family values, or values regarding love for that matter, that he lacks or possess no moral excellence, that he will reject and abandon you over any reason that remotely implies attachment to you or its discovery by his peers, and that if he had to choose, he would always choose himself. A better question would be, what makes you think that he will change in 1 month from now, in 6 months from now, in 1 year from now, in 5 years from now, in 10 years from now, that makes you give him one "second" chance after another to prove to you that he is otherwise? I'm going to take a wild guess here, and say that it's because you believe that he is the only chance you have at an emotional connection.

It's not true though, in fact, he is your worst chance. Unfortunately, the majority of your experiences (31 years of it) will tell you otherwise, and that's the line of thinking you're going to have to overcome, somehow, later down the road.

I would never think of saying any of the above to hurt you, by the way. In fact, part from a few things, I think you sound much like myself. And I think that you might benefit greatly from seeing a psychologist, not because you or I or anyone else think you're a stalker, and not because of the alcohol, because those are just offsets of something much more important, which is your desire for an emotional connection.

I admit that I have made many assumptions in my post here, on his and your behalf. So let me know if I was out of line.

Am I at least correct about the emotional connection part? I also think that you have idealized this person way too much, which is why you let him walk all over you. I know that this is something that I struggle with myself.

I wish you the best.

He has 2 children from 2 different women. I don't know much about them, except one child is autistic. I'm the 4th girl he has gotten pregnant. I think I was more upset at the fact the other girl who also went through the abortion. He talked about her like they were in love and they wanted the child, but she got sick. He just made it come off like her loss and the loss of that baby meant something to him when my loss did not. He's capable of love which I can see, but apparently not with me. I told him I loved him, and he acted so insulted. I think that bothered him more than me actually getting a hold of his number. I only asked once what he felt about the loss of the baby. He said he never thought about it. The only thing he thought about was his annoyance at me for the way he was treated. Apparently the way I treated him made him think it was a justified excuse to have no attachment or grieve no loss. In order not to upset him. I said it was also his, and that I was disappointed, but ill let it go cause talking about it sounded like a bad idea. I did however try to bring it up in conversations when I was feeling sad or when it was the anniversary of the death of the baby. He always read what I said, but never replied. Maybe I wanted some compassion, which I never did receive.

I kept going back to him honestly hoping he would change his tune. I knew he only thought of me as a friend, and someone he could sleep with. I also knew eventually he might even talk to another girl. Which would leave me devastated. You are correct, I do have an emotional connection cause of the loss of our baby. Something that he either doesn't understand or doesn't care to understand. You are not out of line, and everything you have said is correct. Even something a stranger can understand. But he can't. He still doesn't get it. I'm working on myself right now. Trying to lose weight and to help with my sobriety. I hope by the time I'm done with these goals, I can move on from him. I know for 6 months of was absolutely miserable. But it's just this loss of my baby that is holding me back from letting go..

Since I've never had any children I feel like I have no experience that could benefit you in that regard, but I believe that you shouldn't grieve alone. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about it?

You are doing the best thing by going to meetings
What caused you to become an alcoholic?
Understanding that will help you to understand why you started in the first place.
Did you feel rejected by your parents?
If you have a desire to change please go to FHU.com Many have been helped by meditating, but you also need to discover the truth about yourself.
I know you are a good person because of your grief over losing the child..
Don't judge yourself, you made a mistake as we all do in life.
The FHU has a radio station mon-Fri, it is a call in program.
I wish you well.

I have been using a message board called PASS SUPPORT. It helps me a lot with women who are also in my situation having an abortion and grieving. The funny thing is, a lot of the ab dad's the women talk about are quite like mine. Emotionally detached from the mother and pontential child. Have not given it a second thought. I suppose my alcoholism started when I was treated poorly by men, or people in general. Like I said I often have trouble dating, I either get ignored or left for someone better. I drink when I get hurt.

This is the thing I want to know. Why am I labeled as crazy for saying that I love him? Is it mainly cause I'm not the right person be wants to hear it from so he gets insulted and labels me as crazy? Or am I really crazy for saying it? I've never said I loved anyone ever. And I only love him cause of the emotional attachment that I have with my Angel. Cause I've seen people say it to each other all the time and they haven't even been together for a year. Or maybe I'm crazy for saying it cause we were never in a relationship. Nevertheless, the reaction and the look of disgust of me saying it to him makes me want to cry.