Girlfriend told me her number after 4 months

Hi there,

Im not sure where to really start, but Ill give it my best shot.

So I met a really nice girl off of a internet dating site. When had went on a few dates and she seems really awesome, definitely someone I seen potential with. After about a month of dating we become official bf/gf. Im 29 and she's 23. Both of us have great careers, and the more time we spend together the more we started to like each other naturally. I had always told her I never wanted to know about her sexual past because as far as I'm concerned Im starting fresh with this new awesome girl. She however for some reason was interested in my past and I eventually gave in. I only told her because she really wanted to know and she said it wouldn't bother her. So I told her my number is 32 sexual partners. That didn't phase her at all. She had mentioned even though I hadn't asked that she has been with a lot of guys. My first reaction to that is I don't want to know because it doesn't matter and when a guy at least to me is dealt the number I knew it would bother me, but only because she said it it was a lot. If it was 10-15 I probably wouldn't be upset. At this point in our relationship I wasn't paranoid or insecure much at all.

So fast forward to about a few weeks ago. We have been together now for 4 months and she is now living with me. We ended up having a nice night together with a couple of drinks and during a conversation she mentions that she been with more people then me… So my first thought is well damn, I didn't want to know it, so thats to late, Might as well lay the actually number on me. So she says she has been with 55 guys… and I about swollowed my heart. Thats when all these bad thoughts start creeping into my head. Im a really easy going guy, I'm dedicated, and I care about this girl to pieces. But I feel that 55 is a lot of guys to have been with for a 23 year old. Im no angel either but I'm almost 30 and I feel like at least I was able to say no… not to sound like an asshole. So now I'm worried that her guy friends she knows might be laughing at me and it just makes me feel awful. She hasn't shown any signs of fidelity, and has been really great to me. She has said she isn't proud of her past but said it was her choice to make those decisions to sleep with all those guys. out of the 55 48 of them happened in about a two year period. She has moved in with me and then she told me what I told her not to tell me about the number.

I am having trouble trying to get these bad thoughts and the number out of my head now. Everytime I bring it up that I'm having issues with it, she just gets mad at me and I'm just asking her for some support to help me work through this. I really don't lose her but this is eating me up. Im suffering from bad anxiety and I take xanax to try and sooth my nerves. If I have said anything about that comes across as mean or rude please forgive me. Im just trying to be honest and get advice to help me work through this. Thanks in advance for the help!

There is no advice on how to get threw it, your an insecure man either get threw your insecurites and have a healthly relationship or end the relationship as it will be less painful for both of you.

Hey DTalaska,

Here is something you can try (it may or may not work for you) :

So there is probably some "number" that wouldn't bother you, or not bother you as much. Say for example she had said 1, probably not an issue? How about 2? Does it feel twice as worse as 1, or more like a minor difference in the big picture? What about 3 or 4? How do you feel? 8, 10, 13, 26, etc., the difference between these is only so much, but somehow at a certain point ask yourself why you don't feel good about it anymore.

Now also consider her point of view too. You wrote 32, but we have no idea how she feels about it. Maybe fine, or maybe it bothers her a bit too. Say you said 132 instead of 32, or 178, or 340, etc. There might well be some number where she'd have a similar reaction, somehow somewhere along the way the number could go from feeling entirely fine to not.

The main thing though isn't to find that number, but to introspect about what concerns or insecurities you feel when you reach that number (or range of numbers) that seemed okay to not feeling okay.

Thanks Xdude,

I totally get where you are coming from, and yes there is an ideal number where I would feel a lot more comfortable at. I even think if it was like 20-30 I would still be fine with it, but I don't mean to be mean here, but 55 just makes me think she doesn't know how to say no. I am doing my best to just forget about the number because I love this girl and she is very dedicated to me. I told her I never wanted to know because I knew it might make me feel insecure. I Just want to be the best guy she ever had, and treat her awesome. Its just the number pops into my head once and while and it drives me nuts. I told her that when we first started dating, if she would have told me she had slept with that many guys I would have ran for the hills. Being she is still young at 23. Im just trying to find a way to set myself up to have a good mindset about the whole ordeal. I totally know its my insecurity, its only gotten worse the more I like her.

Just 55 seems like there is no self control, and probably because she went to a college known for partying and she would drink a lot. I believe there is good reason to not ever find out what your partners sexual past is because of this. I know I'm not the only one out there that deals with this.

Thanks a lot for your input I really appreciate it.

Dazz wrote:There is no advice on how to get threw it, your an insecure man either get threw your insecurites and have a healthly relationship or end the relationship as it will be less painful for both of you.

Im sorry this has to be the most lame response anyone could give. There is always advice on how to deal with lives issues. I only became insecure when I she told me something I never wanted to hear in the first place… So thats why Im on here looking for some coaching on how to get through this. Not "Your an insecure man, either get over it or tough $#%^" If getting over this was so easy I wouldn't be on here.

BTW its "through" not "threw".

DTalaska wrote:

Dazz wrote:There is no advice on how to get threw it, your an insecure man either get threw your insecurites and have a healthly relationship or end the relationship as it will be less painful for both of you.

Im sorry this has to be the most lame response anyone could give. There is always advice on how to deal with lives issues. I only became insecure when I she told me something I never wanted to hear in the first place

Hmm just like the person with homosexual tendencies who has them awakened due to a certain situation.

DTalaska wrote:BTW its "through" not "threw".

lol I knew however I couldn't be bovvered to edit.

Ok, I'm that girl. I may not have been at exactly that number by exactly that age, but I look back on my life from ages 15-35 and just... shudder. I was such a very, very mixed up girl, always questioning myself, doubting myself... never sure of the right behavior. I can look back now and see that I did not have boudaries at all... my nature is a people pleaser, and I spent years accidentally getting myself into very bad situations and being literally afraid to say no. Sometimes afraid I would get hurt by the guy, sometimes just afraid of what he would think or hate me if I said no. It is hard to explain, it was a very confusing time.
Now at age 43 I have just been diagnosed with Bipolar I and am learning all about what hypersexuality means in this disorder, and wow, does it fit my life like a glove!
But here is the important part of what I have to tell you: I stopped that kind of behavior on my own, a long, long before I was diagnosed, without meds or anything. The initial reason I think I was able to overcome it is because my life reached a point where it caused enough problems... namely, pregnancies and babies. My life became so difficult as a single mom with 2 kids from 2 dads that I finally started going to counseling at age 29, and three years of therapy is what gave me the skills and tools to really change my behavior.
Now, I say this NOT because I think your gf is bipolar, but because there are a LOT of different things that could be the underlying cause of this issue. Even if it's not an actual disorder, it is a behavior that can be caused by life traumas and a number of different things.
I want to put something out there that may be hard to swallow at first, but if you truly love and have compassion for this woman I think you will hear me.
Perhaps the issue here should not be how much her number bothers you... but what in the world has happened in this poor girls life or in her head that is causing such self-destructive behavior??? She may not even know herself, and surely does not understand it herself. I couldn't understand it myself back then, either, but I can sure see it clearly now.
I'm gonna be so straight up with you right now: This girl needs to get into some counseling, but there's a good chance she's gonna be PISSED if you even bring it up. That's where you're gonna have to grab your sack and give her some real tough love. And then go to counseling with her. Even if you 2 don't stay together, my heart goes out to this woman I've never met because I would NEVER wish the hell of my life on anyone, or what I've dragged my kids through. Get help and get answers NOW so it doesn't sneak up on you later when it's 10 times worse! It may just have been a phase she went through, in which case she still needs counseling to deal with emotional issues from it, but it could also be a piece to a much bigger puzzle. Don't even give her a 1% chance to dismiss this and pretend it's not something real. Honestly, the fact that she told you after you asked her not to sounds like a silent plea for help. Treat it like a suicide attempt. In a way you already are, by coming to this forum. You saw a red flag and you should trust that intuition and follow through on this.
I wish someone had done this for me at 23.

Hey DTalaska,

A few thoughts:

Regarding feeling insecure -

Personally I think everyone has various things that we feel insecure about, and that's just part of being human. There is also a big difference between truly feeling secure about something, and buried insecurities due to fear of feeling insecure. Lets face it, feeling insecure about something doesn't feel good, but if the feelings aren't really dealt with they end up controlling our actions one way or another. In other words, it takes a lot of strength to face our insecurities and there is nothing wrong with that.

In practical terms, the issue you've raised DTalaska makes sense to me. Why?

If we put the sex aspects aside, the only person we really have any control over is ourselves. When it comes to everyone else we are putting a lot of trust in them. All we have to go on is what we know about them from our time spent with them, what we observe, and yes, to a degree their past. A person's past trends could be an indicator of their future trends, but I write 'could' because of course it is not always the case.

A question though -

Suppose that situation was reversed, her number was some number like say 2 or 3, and she was the one feeling distraught by your number. A similar but alternative situation, you had met someone closer to your own age who had only been in 1 or 2 serious relationships, and was distraught by how many relationships you've had (casual or serious).

How do you think you'd feel in that situation, and what do you think is the best way to deal with it if she was unable to stop thinking about it, if it was damaging your relationship?

xdude wrote:Hey DTalaska,

A few thoughts:

Regarding feeling insecure -

Personally I think everyone has various things that we feel insecure about, and that's just part of being human. There is also a big difference between truly feeling secure about something, and buried insecurities due to fear of feeling insecure. Lets face it, feeling insecure about something doesn't feel good, but if the feelings aren't really dealt with they end up controlling our actions one way or another. In other words, it takes a lot of strength to face our insecurities and there is nothing wrong with that.

In practical terms, the issue you've raised DTalaska makes sense to me. Why?

If we put the sex aspects aside, the only person we really have any control over is ourselves. When it comes to everyone else we are putting a lot of trust in them. All we have to go on is what we know about them from our time spent with them, what we observe, and yes, to a degree their past. A person's past trends could be an indicator of their future trends, but I write 'could' because of course it is not always the case.

A question though -

Suppose that situation was reversed, her number was some number like say 2 or 3, and she was the one feeling distraught by your number. A similar but alternative situation, you had met someone closer to your own age who had only been in 1 or 2 serious relationships, and was distraught by how many relationships you've had (casual or serious).

How do you think you'd feel in that situation, and what do you think is the best way to deal with it if she was unable to stop thinking about it, if it was damaging your relationship?

XDude,

Thanks again for your insight.

You bring up some very valid points, and I will try and touch on those in this response.

First- I believe I need to have a plan. I need to have a plan to overcome the insecurity, jealousy what have ya. I Do know that this is my issue, and its my job to change otherwise I will run this woman out of my life.

I did have a talk with my girlfriend last night, and it wasnt pretty. She is really annoyed that I bring this issue up on a regular basis. Which if I was in her shoes I would be the same way... pissed. She had mentioned last night that maybe I need to go find someone with a smaller number. That wouldnt sit well coming from the person you love and care for. Because in the end it is just a number, and the number doesnt always represent what kind of person they are because people change.

She had mentioned that I go see a therapist. Which I know im not some crazy person, I consider myself a normal decent guy. I do think it would help, I think that they might be able to help train me to be in the right mindset when I do feel insecure. I also agree with the response above yours Xdude. She had mentioned that I should ask my girlfriend to see a therapist. I also think she would be pissed like she said she might be if I asked her to go. So I think the best way to approach the therapist deal is for me to go first for a couple sessions and see if the therpist recommends me bring her in as well if thats needed.

Now I wanted to mention that everything seems to go perfect, she says its perfect as well, and it will be for a couple of weeks and then there I go again somehow bringing it up, even when I don't mean to. I know she doesnt deserve to have to deal with this, and I was almost in tears telling her that I will do whatever it takes to overcome this.

Does anyone else have any experience with overcoming a situation like this? What did you do mentally to cope with your insecurities, and let things go. Im Assuming time and patience is a big factor. Thanks to everyone for their input it is greatly appreciated.

DTAlaska

crackerjack wrote:Ok, I'm that girl. I may not have been at exactly that number by exactly that age, but I look back on my life from ages 15-35 and just... shudder. I was such a very, very mixed up girl, always questioning myself, doubting myself... never sure of the right behavior. I can look back now and see that I did not have boudaries at all... my nature is a people pleaser, and I spent years accidentally getting myself into very bad situations and being literally afraid to say no. Sometimes afraid I would get hurt by the guy, sometimes just afraid of what he would think or hate me if I said no. It is hard to explain, it was a very confusing time.
Now at age 43 I have just been diagnosed with Bipolar I and am learning all about what hypersexuality means in this disorder, and wow, does it fit my life like a glove!
But here is the important part of what I have to tell you: I stopped that kind of behavior on my own, a long, long before I was diagnosed, without meds or anything. The initial reason I think I was able to overcome it is because my life reached a point where it caused enough problems... namely, pregnancies and babies. My life became so difficult as a single mom with 2 kids from 2 dads that I finally started going to counseling at age 29, and three years of therapy is what gave me the skills and tools to really change my behavior.
Now, I say this NOT because I think your gf is bipolar, but because there are a LOT of different things that could be the underlying cause of this issue. Even if it's not an actual disorder, it is a behavior that can be caused by life traumas and a number of different things.
I want to put something out there that may be hard to swallow at first, but if you truly love and have compassion for this woman I think you will hear me.
Perhaps the issue here should not be how much her number bothers you... but what in the world has happened in this poor girls life or in her head that is causing such self-destructive behavior??? She may not even know herself, and surely does not understand it herself. I couldn't understand it myself back then, either, but I can sure see it clearly now.
I'm gonna be so straight up with you right now: This girl needs to get into some counseling, but there's a good chance she's gonna be PISSED if you even bring it up. That's where you're gonna have to grab your sack and give her some real tough love. And then go to counseling with her. Even if you 2 don't stay together, my heart goes out to this woman I've never met because I would NEVER wish the hell of my life on anyone, or what I've dragged my kids through. Get help and get answers NOW so it doesn't sneak up on you later when it's 10 times worse! It may just have been a phase she went through, in which case she still needs counseling to deal with emotional issues from it, but it could also be a piece to a much bigger puzzle. Don't even give her a 1% chance to dismiss this and pretend it's not something real. Honestly, the fact that she told you after you asked her not to sounds like a silent plea for help. Treat it like a suicide attempt. In a way you already are, by coming to this forum. You saw a red flag and you should trust that intuition and follow through on this.
I wish someone had done this for me at 23.

Thanks for your input Crackerjack,

This girl has been nothing but awesome to me, and I feel bad when I drag her through the mud so to say when I bring up the number. I should also have mentioned this before as well. She was in a relationship with a guy before me who was gone a lot (Military) and he wanted an open relationship. This was something that she didn't want but still went with it. She regrets it now but she says a lot of the numbers were kind of a way of payback, because she had mentioned that he didn't think she would actually go through with it. So I believe this relationship was a terrible one and one that she regrets. So that might be where the trauma came from. She is addament that is not the lifestyle she wants to live and she doesn't want to associate with any of those people from a couple years ago. She would go out drinking with her friends almost every night of the week while in college and from what I can tell she seems to lose control when she goes overboard. Hence why some girls get sexually excited when drunk? Not sure if thats the correct way to put it, but you get the point. And when your in a huge college community with a huge bar scene, bad things are surely to happen.

I do know if I asked her to go see a therapist she would be pissed because she thinks this is all my fault. I would say its mostly my fault for bringing these issues up, but I never wanted to know her sexual past in the first place. So I will go see the therapist first and if the therapist recommends I bring her in with me I will ask her to come then. Even though I found out information I never wanted to know, I will do whatever it takes to get my mind straight so I can proceed on in my relationship with this awesome girl I have.