From wanting to get married to being unsure about the future

Hi everyone,
I have been in nursing school since January of last year. I have been dating this guy, J, since July of 2012, and everything was going wonderfully until after I graduated. He moved to another state with me and in May, asked my parents for permission to ask me to marry him.

After graduation, we got into a huge fight, probably over something petty, and basically I told him I wanted him out of my life. It was a lot of pent-up feelings that were never addressed at the time, mostly because he’s not really a confrontational guy, but we both had a lot of frustrations and “complaints” that were building up and it finally exploded. One of his biggest complaints about me is the fact that he often doesn’t feel like he can be himself — he’s worried about how I’m going to react to situations.

Anyway, in response to me kicking him out, he drove about 8 hours away and spent a few days with a friend in Atlantic City, got ridiculously drunk and went to a strip club. I’m willing to forgive and forget about that, because he was angry. The thing that hurts now, though, is that he’s not sure if he can see a future with me because of this entire scenario. He came home, we discussed EVERYTHING that bothers each of us, and since then (~2 weeks ago) our relationship has been, overall, wonderful. He still can’t commit to wanting to do this in the long-term because he’s worried that the changes he’s seeing are temporary… I’m doing my best to try to put things in perspective and have realized that the small, petty things that bother me about him aren’t worth the love I have for him and I have shown and said that in so many ways. He’s also said something to the effect of, “what if we have kids and you get mad and break up with me, leaving me with the kids?” I have already apologized for breaking it off and know that I shouldn’t have done it if I didn’t actually mean it, but what can I even do now?

I’ve already told him that I think I deserve to be with a person who knows if they want to be with me. I think after almost 2 years, it shouldn’t be a question anymore. He has said that he’s just “recovering” from being crushed by me ending things with him, but how long am I supposed to wait? I just don’t understand how one goes from wanting to marry me to not knowing if he wants to be with me forever. I’ve told him that, despite all of his flaws, I want to be with him, and I feel like I deserve someone who accepts me for who I am. What do I do? Break it off? Move out and tell him to get it together before we speak again? I can’t put myself through this.

Also, he’s leaving for NY tomorrow for five days for his sister’s graduation, and I was going to go with him. Do I tell him to go on his own and think about things?

Thanks for any advice.

Sophiedaphne wrote:we got into a huge fight, probably over something petty, and basically I told him I wanted him out of my life.

I have to admit that's a pretty extreme choice of words there.

Sophiedaphne wrote:I think I deserve to be with a person who knows if they want to be with me. I think after almost 2 years, it shouldn’t be a question anymore.

You act like he's the one who brought this question up. Do you really expect him to kiss your ass after you nuked his heart? and then on top of that try to make him feel even crappier for not kissing your ass? Personally I think the onus is on you to do the reassuring here. If I were him and I had a ring burning a hole in my pocket, I certainly wouldn't let you know I had one anytime soon. One fight and it's over? That would certainly make me re-evaluate things. If you really want to be with this guy then I wouldn't advise telling him you're not going to NY to "think about things".... would only add to his uncertainty IMO.

Hey Sophiedaphne,

I think the best way to get past/through situations like this (if that's what you want) is for both people to reach the point of seeing things from each others point of view (we already see our own as clearly as we are able in the moment), because it's at the point where people see each others point of view that we communicate a real understanding/care for each other, and with that we also communicate why x, y, z that happened in the past is extremely unlikely to happen again.

Unfortunately just as it takes two to come together, two people can get stuck both standing their ground over something, deadlocked over who makes the first move to really understand the other.

As I guy I may be able to shed some light on his point of view. Imagine your role in relationships in life was reversed, and it was on you as a female to do the asking. You had reached the point in life of being willing to go all in with someone, asked someone to marry you, reached the point of asking his parents permission, etc., and then... the person you asked breaks it off. What would it take before you felt good about going forward again with such an important commitment?

No doubt he also doesn't fully understand your point of view, and maybe he is not ready to try to fully understand your point of view today, but who knows, tomorrow is a new day and maybe then. Somehow between the two of you, someone has to be willing to extend the first olive branch, but the real first step isn't apologizing. The real first step is stopping, and taking time out to think about it from each others point of view. There is no guarantee the other person will do the same, but if you both can do that, you'll be able to get past this and move forward.

Hopefully you two can work this out because he very likely does care about you else he'd not have asked to marry you if he didn't.

xdude