Long post - please help. Worst relationshipper ever.

I'm a 30-ish male with an education, career, and decent (but fading quickly!) looks. Pretty normal guy. But my love life is the on-going punchline of a joke from friends and family that just won't quit.

I married young. Very young. Long story short, after 7 years we filed for divorce. She was a very harsh, but very impressive person. We were still sleeping together, we still loved one another. And supposedly I couldn't have children. Well, she came up pregnant right after the divorce finalized. Urologist, I'm looking at you. And no, she would never, ever cheat. Court made us have a test anyway. All mine.

After a year of loving nothing but my daughter, I met a much (8 years!) younger woman that was SO sweet. She was soft-spoken and passive and I adored her. I dated her for a year, then found out a ton of HORRIBLE things about the young girls sex life before me. We ended. I'm not judgmental, they were that bad though. And local. And... seriously, her life before me from day to day read like the script from what you'd see on shady porn sites. I couldn't take it and left.

She shortly after revealed boxes of psych papers from when she was a child, and news paper clippings. She was used in a drug house, locked in a closet for periods of time and fed dog food, etc. At 4-6. How could I not forgive this poor sweet girl for something as petty as wanting to have a normal life with someone who didn't know certain things. Then rape porn addiction came out. Then therapy. Then i learned of her disassociation (anytime she "finished" during sex, she had to think of a random sexual encounter - or worse. Being in the moment freaked her out). Then, sure enough, she cheated. Said she couldn't help it, and that she was always terrified to say no. I broke up with her.

3 months later, she comes back pregnant as well. I did want a test on this one, and it was mine.

I eventually told her we'd try to work on things, since we then had a son. She cheated again. At a party. With a guy and a girl (separately). In front of multiple people. Then tried to coerce everyone into lying for her. When it all came out, it was over.

Now I have custody of 2 children alone, and I'm 31.

So to the problem. I meet this girl, we were paired at an online dating site as 99% matches (I know, I suck). She was/is beautiful. Effortlessly. Tall, blonde, good at everything, and built like a model without ever having stepped in a gym in her life (hate those people). She's a good girl, and always has been - as our many mutual life long friends attest. She's morally stifling and almost stoic. Very logical. But like most people of that sort, she's detached and affection seems forced and for my benefit only.

She was married twice before me, and those long relationships span the majority of her adult life. I could deal with the inattentiveness fairly easily, my wife was very intelligent but always preoccupied as well. But the sexual issues really are beginning to weigh on me.

Our sex life has seemed forced and awkward from the very beginning, and I've never experienced that before. It's almost handled like a business transaction, where she considers the length of time in between, and my "needs as a man," and then handles the situation appropriately. She's not one for foreplay, and things are very to-the-point. The only exception being the rare occasion where she drinks, and then she's much, much more into it.

As men are want to do, I began analyzing the situation to "fix" it. But the more I read into it, the worse I felt about it.

This is going to sound horrible, and women, I apologize. I only speak out of insecurity, fear, and shame.

The most glaringly obvious physical component is that she's... much larger... umm.. sexually, than any girl I've encountered before. And I've never worried about that component of things before. I'm nothing special, but I'm used to the few women I've been with in my life noting within the first time or two that I'm very wide around. So did she. But... it's nowhere near the task. My fist is much closer (SO sorry). She's also extremely, amazingly shallow in depth, and complains of it hurting every single time. I don't think she's ever once actually enjoyed it.

I'm aware of what science says about vaginas and sexual repercussions, I realize that it's not because of some bad reason. But it's still something I couldn't help but notice, when for the first time in my life I'm with a women who acts like she may as well be reading the newspaper during sex. 0 reaction. The male ego is a fragile one. I noticed.

She does "finish" from external stimulation. She's one of the women that... has a viewable reaction of excretion when this happens (Jesus, hope no children are on here). But that happens EXACTLY the same if I'm in her or not. It's taking up that small of a space in relation to the whole. Sorry for the awfully inappropriate pun.

I was still semi ok with it. I had a good, decent woman. Smart, confident, trustworthy, strikingly beautiful. Then I met her ex husband, who's 6'7 and 370lbs of huge mammoth person. THEN I felt differently about the sexual issues which had always gone unmentioned.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

As humiliated as I am to admit it, I waited till she made a comment about how short and petite my ex's were, and I made a comment about size and her ex being one of the largest humans I've ever seen. She laughed a lot and assured me he was actually one of the smallest she'd been with, in that way - and that while I probably wasn't the biggest, all of the ones she's come in contact with were amazingly similar in size, and that she never pegged me as the type to be insecure about anything.

Fact remains, between her and I there's a massive size difference, and I can't help but believe there's a reason for it.

So, here's my question and problem. The mother of my second child has started coming around. She is still sweet and passive, but this time she has some help behind her and doesn't seem so unstable. She's grown very much. And as stupid as I am, I'm considering breaking things off with this
perfect lady of a woman, for the one that cheated on me in epic fashion twice before.

I'd like to think it's all because of our boy... but sadly I believe a huge chunk of it is the sexual issues, and that sex with the ex was absolutely amazing. And I feel more adequate - she's a tiny person, and responded ...well... as you'd expect.

What's wrong with me??? Why would sexuality play such a huge role in my rationale?? It's embarrassing. The current girlfriend has done NOTHING wrong, other than being less affectionate or sweet than I'd like. She says she has problems with that sort of thing. Am I being a "typical guy?" I Would love some insight from anonymous sources over the veil of the internet. I feel foolish.

Heres the deal dude: Man up!

Make your decision and do 4 things for your children and yourself;

You said you liked the young petite girl; go with her then!

1. A therapist for life.. You need one, so does your families..
2. 12 step groups; that you have a place to take your anxieties and spill them; work the 12 steps on paper with a sponsor; this is a good good thing for your sanity and your children's family system...
3. God; The creator of the Universe is greater then you and loves your kids more then you ! and has your blue print and theres.. Learn about this from the 12 step groups; the higher power!
4. Book; John Bradshaw; the family
If you choose to be in relationships, you get what you get!

Good luck!