I Cheated and Now I Don't Know What I Want

Hi everyone. Thank you for looking at my post. I appreciate it if anyone actually reads this (I'm sorry it's so long!).

A bit about me: I'm 20 years, female, & bisexual. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy; just trying to figure out what I want & need in my life right now.

My first girlfriend (T) and I were friends for 4 months before she asked me out & we started dating. Our relationship lasted 2 months; I had cheated on her with a guy (L) halfway into our relationship. She forgave me, but I felt so guilty & unhappy in the relationship that I broke up with her 2 weeks later. I had also lost my attraction to her after I had cheated on her.

I always felt something was off with T. She couldn't stand being single (without a S.O.). On our second date, she began talking about marriage & children. She had not asked my opinion on it; she just began planning our future together, which frightened me. She said she was willing to spend the next 10 years together with me, whereas I knew I couldn't picture even living together with her.

Before her, all the guys who had approached me fitted into these categories:
1) Unable to commit to a relationship
2) Have a girlfriend but wants another woman
3) Completely uninterested in me ("You're a nice girl. I want to be friends with you!")

I don't dress nor do I act promiscuous. I don't sleep around or fool around with anyone (the only exception being L). I've always let my friends know that I wanted a committed monogamous partner. I'm quiet around strangers & talkative with my close friends.

Some info on L: We've been friends for the past few years. We hang out at an annual family camp; just talk about our lives & tell jokes. I let L know that I was in a relationship with another girl. His ex-girlfriend had broken up with him less than a month ago. He was still shocked from the breakup. She was his first girlfriend.

He made a joke about us making out. I was caught off guard as I thought we were hanging out as friends. I told him, "If I was single, I'd go for it, but I'm in a relationship now." We ended up finding a secluded area in the forest. We ended up making out & fooling around 3-4 times in private. This was kept a secret; we act like friends in public (not a couple) & I felt strange about PDA.

L wanted to discuss our "relationship." He wanted to have a girlfriend (another girl) & still be able to sleep with me. He didn't care that I was in a relationship, so long as he was allowed benefits. We agreed on this (fwbs).

Going back to my regular life away from camp, I felt odd about the agreement. Regret finally kicked in & I told him that I no longer wanted to be friends with benefits. So, we agreed to be friends again. Several phone calls later, I told him that I had broken up with T. He apologized for my loss. Then, he asked if I'd want to hang out with him. Truthfully, I don't, so I made up excuses instead of turning him down directly.

I've tried being friends with him. Just talking on the phone once a week. I realized that I'm starting to desire a romantic relationship with L. I don't believe he wants one with me, therefore I've cut off all contact with him. Besides, there isn't enough trust or respect on both our parts for a relationship to last (just a mutual sexual attraction).

I still feel guilty for cheating on my girlfriend. I feel mad at both myself & L for destroying my relationship. I feel heartbroken as L doesn't want me as a girlfriend, yet I'm still sexually attracted to him.

This mess has made me realize that I still don't know what are my expectations, needs & wants within in a romantic relationship. I don't plan on dating, hooking up or getting a new bf/gf anytime soon. For now, I'm just trying to focus on myself (working out, hanging out with my friends & keeping my mind occupied).

Any advice?

Hi Ibisco,

I think most people would think something is off with a partner who jumps ahead to planning out a 10 year future within 2 dates, so understandable that didn't feel right.

You do seem to know what you want... that you are not at a point where you yet know what you want in a relationship, and that's okay to just leave it at that. I think we people can get into a mental state where we think there is something wrong with us, or think our life is a mess if we are not in a relationship. Maybe it's time to stop for a bit and just be single?

It's too obvious that girl was really in love with you. You did right! Much better to end that kind of relationship if you are not sure with her. Maybe because you are bisexual and that's why you more attractive to the guy than to that girl. You don't know what you want? So, focus to yourself for now and enjoy life until you will know what you really want in life. Cut off them in your life.