Husband gives me a snarky attitude for going out with friend

So I tell H last night when I get home that I am going out with my friend on Tuesday after work. His first response was "Oh yeah?" in an actual nice tone like "good for you", but then that immediately turned into "Oh fine I see how it is. Go do your pub crawl with her and not me that's fine" I then tell him "It's not a pub crawl it's dinner. We can still do the pub crawl after work some day". He goes "No no that's fine. Go have your fun and I'll just party it up here". I got real quiet and walked out of the room wanting to cry. Then about an hour later she called me to finalize plans and I wasn't on the phone with her for more than 30 seconds before he comes in the room and says really loud while I'm talking to her "Oh is that my competition on the phone with you"? This is his response EVERY damn time I make plans to go do something with a friend or if there's an activity after work with co workers. I haven't gone out with my friend (or anyone else for that matter!) in almost 6 months and I haven't done an after work activity since February because I always get this same response and it upsets me so much that I don't even want to go out because I don't want to deal with it. When I made plans to go out to lunch and a play with my friend back in January H told me "I'm glad to see you getting out of the house. I wish you'd go out and do more things on your own". Now I get this sarcastic response if I dare go do something without him.

He came up to me later last night and said "What's wrong with you? Why are you so quiet?" I tell him that I'm tired of his snarky attitude to me for going out. He immediately starts laughing and goes "Oh my god woman I am not being snarky! I am just joking! I am fine with you going out. Like I said, I'll just be partying it up here." I say "I wish you would be nice about it then". He then does a fake "Okay I hope you have a good time" and rolls his eyes and walks away in a huff. Of course he turned this all around on me and made me feel like I was the one with the problem.

Why is it so damn hard for him to just say nicely "Oh that's great. Have a good time and I'll see you when you get home". Why does it always turn into this big production of a guilt trip which he then turns into me being too sensitive because he was just kidding the whole time??

Hey Mapper,

From my read he may be someone with low self-esteem, so your going out feels like a threat to him hence the guilt trips.

I assume you care about his feelings. If so maybe there is some middle ground?

Question? If the situation was reversed, he was the one going out... how would you honestly react?

If he was going out I'd say "Please, go out and do something so I can do what I want here!" Anytime he leaves I feel so much freer. He is always commenting to me "Why are you watching that" or why are you reading that" or why are you listening to that music". So when he's here I never watch what I really want to because he'll say it's stupid. I always make sure my country station is switched over to his rock station before i get out of the car so when he gets in the car I don't hear about why I was listening to that crap. As soon as he leaves the house I mow the yard and clean the house and anything else I can accomplish while he's out because if he's here he will comment on how I'm not mowing right and take it out of my hands or complain about the chemical smell from cleaning or just call me weird for wanting to clean so much.

Hi again Mapper,

Relationships aren't traps... if you've reached the point of feeling like it's a trap. maybe time to have that difficult conversation?

Here's a whole new twist! H's 16 y/o daughter came yesterday for a week long visit. H was tired all day. He didn't get out of bed until about 10AM, then went back to bed at noon, but didn't sleep. Got up at 1PM and was up for an hour before going back to lay down. Got up at about 2:45 and took off at 3 to pick up D. Got home at about 5PM and had something to eat and decided he was tired and went to bed at 6PM! Meanwhile D and I sat up on the couch and watched tv, like we always do. I turned down the volume and tried to talk in soft tones. He had the fan on as well which should have drowned out a majority of any noise. I go to bed at 8:30 and he is wide awake. I ask if he slept and he says a little bit between all the stomping around and door slamming you did. Okay if by "stomping around" you mean getting off the couch every once in a while to go to the bathroom or the kitchen then yes we were stomping around and if by "door slamming" you mean opening and closing the front door as quietly as possible to let the cats in and out then yes we were slamming doors! If it were the other way around and I was trying to sleep he and D would have a movie on the surround sound at 1000 decibels and talking and laughing in normal tones with no effort to turn anything down. You went to bed at 6PM so don't blame me if you can't sleep! People are mowing and revving cars and WE are the reason you can't sleep??!!

Then he gets upset because she and I are spending time together and not him and her. We are ganging up on him. Or if I tell him that she wants to go to the mall and I'll take her then he gets all pissy because it's once again "Oh fine I see how it is. You two want to hang out without me, I get it. No fine go do your girl stuff". Then get away from your computer and take her to do things! She already said to me last night when H went to bed "We should go do something this week. Can you take a day off?" Ugh. No I can't take a day off and I hate the fact that I already have to be stressed out about taking you someplace when I get home from work and probably pissing DH off in the process because you brought it up to me and not him. I'm the one she always goes to to do stuff and DH is oblivious to it all thinking she's having the time of her life sitting in front of the tv while he plays his video game or works on his bike.

Oh and I am cancelling dinner with my friend tomorrow night. After hearing how we were keeping him awake last night I don't want to have to remind him tonight that I am having dinner with her tomorrow and won't be home until 9PM or so and have him get all sarcastic about me going out and leaving him and SD on their own while I go out and have fun. I just don't want to deal with it because it will put me in a bad mood and that bad mood will show with her. Although I'm sure he doesn't even remember that I was going out with her and later this week he'll say "Weren't you going out with her this week?" and I'll tell him that I cancelled and he will blow a gasket that I cancelled on her and will say "Is this because of my reaction to you the other day? I was JUST kidding. You need to take a joke" It doesn't matter if I go out or not..it will be wrong either way!

Hi Mapper,

Just a question, was it always this way or has he seemed to have changed? gotten worse?

p.s. Yes those guilt trips and no win scenarios are really hard to live with of course.

Quite honestly, I think it just started early this year. I moved out to be with him 5 years ago and it really didn't start being a problem until this year. I don't really have any friends of my own up here and are friends with wives of his friends so we usually all hang out together. But when I got this new job last August (rather than working out of the house) things started to change. Earlier this year I went out to a work function after work and told him I'd be home most likely by 7:30 or so. I didn't have my phone on me but was having a good time and didn't end up leaving until 8:45. There was no call or text from him wondering where I was but I call him on my way out and I wake him up and he is angry at me for not calling. Granted I understand that and this upset him, but he didn't make any effort to call me and wonder where I was. In fact, he was asleep when I called! Then he gets upset for me calling and waking him up....at 8:45!! He then was all snarky with me that night and the next few days saying "Oh don't forget to come home tonight". Then I went to another after work function and made sure I was home when I said I would. Before I left that morning I got 'Don't get too drunk tonight" and the whole time I'm out I'm watching the clock thinking I have to leave at 7 so I'm home at 7:45 and don't get any grief. He was still sarcastic with me when I got home. There have been many times where he doesn't let me know where he is and then when I get upset that he didn't call me he goes "I TOLD you where I was going to be. What's the big deal?"

Now I don't go to any after work functions (there's one practically every month) and I am afraid to make plans with anyone because of this exact reaction I got from him about going out to dinner with my friend.