My friend doesn't initiate contact

I'm sorry if this isn't the right forum to post this in...I wasn't sure where to post it.

What does it mean when a close friend doesn't really initiate contact with you? It seems like I'm always the one contacting her, and I guess I'm overreacting, but it makes me sad, because it feels like she doesn't value our friendship as much as I do. Maybe I'm just particularly sensitive about it because now that I've graduated from college, I'm back living with my parents and feel lonely and isolated, while some of my friends from school live together or near each other. I can see my high school friends, and I'm close to them, but it's still different, and I still feel lonely.

To go back to my original question, I'm just wondering why my friend won't contact me first. I think it may at least partly be that she might not be the person who initiates contact in general, but I don't know if that's actually true, and even so, it still upsets me.

I've stopped contacting her for a bit, in the hope that she'll contact me first, but she hasn't. I'm worried if I don't contact her, she won't contact me. Should I just again be the first one to initiate contact?

Thanks.

Hi there,

It could mean many things. Why don't you ask her? Or why don't you tell her about how you feel regarding this issue?

She may not contact you because she prefers to be contacted, because she doesn't care that much, because she's busy, or because something you don't know about.

Are you the one who usually initiate contact? Maybe you can weigh things out.

I've been in a situations like that. If the person is really important to me I would contact them, until a point where I get tired and want to be contacted, and sometimes they have contacted me, sometimes not.

I do believe that two must contribute so that a relationship stays strong, so, if this is the first time, contact her, and tell her how you feel about it. Maybe she hasn't realized that. Give it a chance, and then see how you feel and what changes does she make, if any.

Hope you get contacted by her.

Take care.

Sea

Thank you, Sea. To answer your question, I am usually the one who initiates contact. So since this isn't the first time this has occurred, do you still think I should contact her first, or should I wait? I do want to contact her, but I feel like if I do, I'll never know if she'll contact me first.

If I wait and it gets to be a really long time and she still hasn't contacted me, I guess I'd ask her why. I just don't want it to seem like I'm overreacting.

anonymous1110732 wrote:Thank you, Sea. To answer your question, I am usually the one who initiates contact. So since this isn't the first time this has occurred, do you still think I should contact her first, or should I wait? I do want to contact her, but I feel like if I do, I'll never know if she'll contact me first.

If I wait and it gets to be a really long time and she still hasn't contacted me, I guess I'd ask her why. I just don't want it to seem like I'm overreacting.

Yeah, I get you. I don't really know if you should wait. That's your decision to make. The point of overreacting will be different to many people, and I think you should do what you feel comfortable with. If you think you always initiate contact, let her contact you. Maybe she never does, and that's a risk you're taking. If you care for her a lot, maybe it's more important to be in touch with her, no matter who contacted whom.

I'm gonna share you what happened once with a friend. I dated a guy for 10 years, we broke up, and after 6 months we were finally back on being friends. I cared for him, and I knew him better than anyone, and he did with me. So I wanted to stay in touched. For a year and a half I would contact him, it was me who always initiated contact. Sometimes, I would wait like 1 or 2 months for him to contact me, he never would. One day I ask him, why he never contacted me? Why he never proposed something for us to do. He said, he had a simple routine work, gym and home. And he just didn't think about anything else.

A year went by and I would still contact him, because I valued him dearly. Until one day I got tired, and wondered if he didn't value me back. I stopped all together contacting him, waiting if he would contact me. He never contacted me again. Why?, I'm not certain. For months, I was so mad at him for him not caring enough for me. My sister later said, it could've been him being afraid or in pain whenever we meet for having lost me. I really don't know. But I decided that I wanted to be in relationships where both parts work to see each other.

It's been a year and a half since my decision, and now we've only talked for our birthdays. His is first, so it's me again who contact him first. I'm thinking about not saying anything next year, to see what happens.

So the decision is yours. Wish you wisdom to make it.

Sea

Don't play games and test people. Just talk to them. The end results might help or hurt, but either way, you're saving yourself from months or years of limbo.

You shouldn't contact her,only desperate people always contact first.
And don't go 'talk'(whine) to her about you always contacting first.

Is she the kind of person who easily has a counter-reaction (or is frightened) by even the slightest pressure? If she is, talking might just make things worse, but if she is somewhat normal in her social relationships, talking sounds like a good idea.

Bovary wrote:You shouldn't contact her,only desperate people always contact first.
And don't go 'talk'(whine) to her about you always contacting first.

Desperate people do whatever they think will get the behavior they want, including not contacting someone because they think they need to play some kind of game.

Then why do most people think that only idiots with no other options ALWAYS contact first people that may not even like them?

I think it's a maturity issue. I contact people if I want to contact them. I'm not worried about some silly thoughts about how that will be perceived. I'm not insecure about how I'm perceived. Solves all problems and silly questions.